farewell 2008

I am in denial. It is hard for me to accept the fact that my favorite year of my life, is about to leave me. It will go away. I will have to start referring to my favorite year as "last year" this, "last year" that. Is it silly of me to be mourning the departure of such a fantastic year? I don't think so...

This year has been a whirlwind of awesomeness. I got to do so many fun things, experience so many new things and...have sex. Let's face it, it's true. Don't go all "shame on you, Lauren" at me, I know what you did last night. You watched Seinfeld huh? Cool. Which episode? Ah, never mind...don't tell me because I won't have a crap about what you are talking about. I don't watch the show.

Anyway, I will forever remember this blessed year, here are a few of my favorite memories:

1. Being there at the airport when Ted returned home from his two year mission. And instead of receiving a hug, I got a...HAND SHAKE. It was sexy, let me tell ya. And the first words I uttered to him, as he shook my dainty hand, "This is soooooo ANTICLIMACTIC!". It was beautiful.

2. Receiving a turkey feast from my mom as a love offering on my 20th birthday. Mmm, turkey. Up for it again, mom? Eh eh? I will even promise to give you a foot rub, that I will "forget" to give you, just like always :)

3. Going to Mexico for the first time, and deciding it is Satan's own little sunny getaway. Seriously, I have never been anywhere more dirty than that crap hole. Mexico = Lauren being (1) scared of eating ANYTHING, (2) scared of going ANYWHERE without a guardian, (3) HATIN' on the fact that people throw their TOILET PAPER IN THE TRASH CAN where I can see all of their doo-daws having a jolly good time. Yah, nothanxbye.

4. Ted proposing! I knew he was going to propose that night, so I was just waitin'...and waitin'. I was about to say, "Gimme the diamond, already!". But decided to pretend like I had no idea that I found him and my dad chatting the night before...with Ted in dressy clothes at 10:30 PM. Yah...not like I knew he was asking for my hand in marriage or anything. Ha!

5. Having surgery to remove an unexpected b00b tumor. The only reason this is a happy memory is because Ted flew down from Seattle, and held my hand in the Pre-Op room, while they put in my IV, but apparently my Tedward is a wuss, because he had to leave me so he could go pass out. Yes...Ted had a wheelchair, and a wet rag on his forehead...and it was so blog-able...but they don't let you carry cameras with you in Pre-Op. Curses!

6. Seeing a celebrity inside the temple. Yes my friends...I saw a celebrity...on my wedding day, of all days. I don't want to make all of you jealous or anything, but my mom and I saw Lafawnduh. Yes. It is true. We about had a heart attack. First, we wanted to ask for her autograph, and if she had the sweet hook ups so we could meet Kip. And second...we couldn't believe she is MORMON. I mean, how freakin' awesome is that, srsly. Just don't be hatin' on me with all your jealousy and stuff.

7. Marrying Ted. Finally. Took long enough ;)

8. The Twilight year. First, the license plate. Then the trip to Forks. Then my feature on The Twilight Lexicon (#1 Twilight fan site in the world). Then Breaking Dawn coming out. Then the "Twilight" movie. Then I said "then" again to be annoying. Anyway...Twilight added some fun entertainment to my not-boring life.

9. Got Omar to add me to his sidebar. A fete that no one has dared to undertake, before I. And for that, I added it to my list of accomplishments on my professional resume.

10. Went to Disneyland with Ted on our honeymoon and pretty much owned the place...but that's nothing new :)

Farewell 2008...you will always be close to my heart.

christmas :)

I started to upload all of my Christmas photos last night when I was at my mom's house, but decided I was bored...so Ted and I went home and watched 4 hours of "The O.C." instead. Excellent use of time management in my opinion. So anyway, all of my cute pictures will be coming in a couple days... But isn't that the cutest picture you have ever seen? It looks like he loves me or something...who knew? Here is little snippet of all of my favorite things about Christmas 2008...

BEST OF CHRISTMAS 2008

1. Throwing away my birth control pills and finally being able to snuggle ted without wanting to throw up. well hello estrogen...i have missed you. did you enjoy your holiday? well, time to get back to work.

2. Making bounteous amounts of sugar cookies and chocolate chip cookies in our very small kitchen...but loving every minute of it. snacking on cookie dough, random kisses when trying to squeeze passed each other to get to different part of the kitchen, and tasting just-out-of-the-oven-famous-ted-cookies :)

3. Making ted watch "It's a Wonderful Life" for his first time, and crying like babies at the very end.

4. Helping ted wrap MY gifts on christmas eve while watching "Muppet Christmas Carol" and "The Christmas Story".

5. Reading Luke 2 in bed at about 1 AM on Christmas Eve {Christmas morning} and laughing at Mary because at the end of the chapter she loses the Christ child. I know...we will get struck down. But srsly....c'mon. Ok...shutting up.

6. Watching ted open his 120 GB Ipod from me. He was so surprised and didn't know what to do with himself. Oh Ted...

7. Wrapping up all of our cookies we baked for friends, and then never having time to drop them off. We decided they will be Christmas/New Year's treats. Story of our life.

8. Opening presents with the entire "Face" family at 6:00 AM on Christmas. And winning the "pickle" challenge much to the anger of all of the Face children. Suckas! {tune in later for explanation}

9. Going to Walmart with Dad Face and tedward, in our jammies on Christmas morning, in search of eggs. And being pissed when we found they weren't open. Then realizing we were horrible because we wanted people to work on Christmas morning. Then still being pissed they weren't open. QuikTrip saved us...because they are loyal to the Faces.

10. Getting sick so I didn't have to make homemade rolls for the Christmas Eve party. Muahahaha! Oh yeah...I was sick...and that wasn't awesome. But I am still cackling.

this is not a christmas post

ah Ted...

Ted is a funny guy. He says foolish things, he does foolish things and that is why I love him. Did you know that I do and say equally foolish things as well? It's true. I think that is why Ted and I "fit" so well. We have been together for over 5 years now, and I am grateful we were together so long before we got married, because it gave us a lot of time to figure out each other's quirks...but some we are still discovering. For example, I believe in rinsing dishes thoroughly before washing them, and when they are washed, immediately drying and putting them away. Ted? He skips the rinsing and then leaves them on the counter. Does this bother me? Not really. Does Ted think I am crazy? Yes. I also never take out the trash. Ted reminds me to tie up the bag when the garbage reaches the top, but I have yet to do what he asks. He thinks I am deaf...or crazy. But he still loves me. Now for my last example...

Ted pretends to go to sleep, but then sneaks away each night. Does it bother me? Not at all. Does Ted know this? Of course he does. I tease him. I laugh at him, but in the end...I really enjoy having the extra leg room in the bed. This bed situation is just like the garbage-bagging situation. Ted reminds me to bag the garbage. I never remember (choose not) to do what he says. The result is major teasing. Never nagging or anger.

I am kinda surprised that some think I am complaining about my husband on my blog. Actually I am hurt. I read the posts about Ted out loud to him often, and he laughs right along with me, because he can sense the heavy sarcasm. I thought the sarcasm was a dead give away? I am sorry if I have given others the wrong impression. Poking fun at each other has always been a huge part of our relationship.

I love my Ted. I don't mind if he is a night owl and doesn't snuggle me before sleep. I am a morning person and don't sleep in to snuggle him. We understand this about each other. I hope that in the future all of you will understand that this blog is NOT used as an outlet for me to complain about my husband. I have no complaints about him. Actually, I would much rather brag about him, but I don't want to make you all jealous, so I make fun of him instead. Oh, and by the way...if Ted had a blog, he would make fun of me worse than what I do to him. Just food for thought :)

complex

I am starting to get a complex.You see, Ted pretends to go to bed with me. Yes, I said pretends. To "pretend" is to fake something. Make believe, if you are a child playing a game. To deceive, if you are my husband.

You all know how he decided the sofa looked sexier than me on our wedding night, and decided to sleep with it. But did you know that this cute little game continues almost every night? Yes. It is true. *hangs head in shame* For instance...the other night, I woke up at 1 AM to see he wasn't in bed (big surprise). I lay there and listened. I heard voices. I heard a woman's voice. A sultry, seductive voice. Oh no he dih'int! He was cheating on me with Smallville Season Six's Lana Lang! What a man-skank! As if the secret-midnight Lana watching/cheating wasn't enough...he was watching an episode without me! Pissed, I did the only thing a new wife would do in this very situation. I pouted. I "hmfphed!" and rolled over whilst throwing the comforter over my head. I would not endure another minute of his late night escapading with a fictional character. Only one person can do that around here, and her name is Lauren *cough...meet you later, Edward...cough*.

No, but seriously. What is up with Ted? Ted...if you are reading this, which you most certainly are not...I want you to know that I find your books lying on the sofa in the morning. Books that weren't there when we "went to bed". I know what you did last night...just how what's-her-face knew what what's-his-face did last summer. I am onto you. Yes. I.Am.Watching.You. Is it really too much to ask, for you to stay in the bed the entire night? Isn't this something I have to deal with when we have a 2 year old Tedauren...not a 22 year old Ted?

Ted, is it my smelly feet? I can't help it! They don't let me wear flip flops at work. My feet aren't used to being locked into submission! They release a horrendous stench as a battle tactic...you see, they see my shoes as the enemy, as do I. They are just trying to help a girl out. They have my back and stuff. Apparently my mom has my back too...but she doesn't let off horrendous stenches. Ok, I take that back...

Is it my compulsion to steal all of your blankies? Again...I can't help it. My body reacts without my permission. I am a blanky snatcher. For life. When you married this girl, you married a blanky thief...one of the worst thieves known to man. The blanky stealing cannot be compromised. And for that I am sorry. Ok, I take that back too...

Ted is it because I go to sleep at a decent hour? That really can't be helped. Well I guess I could compromise my bedtime, but I will bite your head off the following day as an exchange. Is that a fair deal? I really have zero control over how I act when my sleep hours have been altered...and when I say altered, I mean subtracted. Ask my mom. I came close to biting her head off once...maybe even 100 times. Just sayin'...earlier bed time, or the loss of your head? Your choice.

Ted, if you could turn in your complaints to the drop box I have provided near the bed, that would be greatly appreciated. Oh...you don't know where the bed is? It's the room near the sofa...

birth control

Dear Kariva 28 Day Birth Control Crap,

I misspelled "crap" at first, by spelling it "carp". Carp is a fish. A stupid fish. A fish that no one wants to eat because it's diet contains crap, so I guess "crap" and "carp" can be used interchangably now. Does that give you an idea of how this letter of great importance is going to go?

Kariva 28 Day Birth Control, why do you have such a long name? You know darn well I can't just call you "Kariva" because then someone would think I was talking about their Mother-In-Law's best friend and get alllllll offended when I called Kariva horrible, stupid and crappy. Make it easy on me and abbreviate your name. Start calling yourself Riva-Dee-Bee. You know like a cool rapper's name. "Yo, I am Riva-Dee-Bee! and the shortie's love me...because I prevent them from havin' the babiez! Word!" Anyway, with that name, you could fool people into thinking you are awesome. Unless they don't like rappers. Then...that sucks for you. Kthanxbye.

Anyway, I have another matter of birth control business to take up with you. What is up with the side effect of increased nose receptor-ness. Thanks, but I didn't ask to have a superhero power of smelling everything in the entire universe at the very same time. No one wants to smell little J-dawg from down the street's little pre-teen cologne of nastiness WHILE making dinner AND while smelling Ted pass gas. It's a hard enough life as it is...don't make me smell things! No one should have to know that lettuce has a distinct smell. I am sickened that I know this information...and that I can smell lettuce from across the house, WITH the doors closed. I miss you salad! I hate you Riva-Dee-Bee!

Hey, where did you put my estrogen? No seriously...where is it? I have been without out for about a year now, and would really appreciate it back. I am pretty sure I didn't give you permission to steal it. Riva-Dee-Bee...do you have Menopause? Is that why you took mine? Well guess what...I have a brand, spankin' new husband...so I am in much dire need than you. Kthanxbye.

Now I must give you credit for one thing. You do a good job of not gifting me with a baby Tedauren. And for that I must thank you. Babiez and Lauren aren't friends right now. Or will be for a while. However, I am firing you. Yes. You have been given the pink slip. I will give you the list of grievances at the end of this notice. I would thank you for your services, but I don't like to lie. It would be best if you left quietly. Because if you were loud...I would be pissed. Yah, I don't know...kaybye.

-Lauren

PS...tell your friends Ortho-Tri-Cylen, and Yasmin, that I am not accepting applications.

Grievances:
1. You suck.
2. that.is.all :)

seeing double.

Yesterday Tedward said he saw a double chin trespassing on my neck. Oh the nerve! Horrified, I ran to the closest mirror...which was so far, because our apartment is soooo huge and stuff. Anyway, I replicated the same face I had been making moments before, and sure enough...I saw a double chin. A Mr. and Mrs. Chin escapading on a fun filled holiday on my neck. I told them to go away and to never show their hideous chin faces again. And then I cried. Not really. But I decided to be sad.

I have been boo-hooing about the current state of my too-young-to-be-double chin, finding no solace in things that usually make me happy...so I decided to pull out the big guns. I searched for pictures of Movie Edward, and look what I found...

I found a twin.

That's a good job Movie Edward.

*Thanks Shannon, for the link to this picture. I laughed when I saw it, because I had JUST seen it about 30 minutes before you gave me the link :)

work out payday

Ted is grounded from my blog...indefinitely. Banished. Forbidden. You see, Ted doesn't appreciate the blog. Did you know he doesn't he even read my blog? I know, right? That's why I can get away with so much crap. So here is another crap-filled post of delicious awesomeness, that would piss off Ted if he read it. But he won't read it. Because he is lame. I am a work out fiend. I usually work out every day except Sunday. My work out includes 30 minutes of advanced pilates, and 30 minutes of kick-butt cardio. I am a fan of the "Cardio Blast Biggest Loser Workout". Seriously guys...it is a killer. And a winner. I love/hate it.

Anyway, yesterday, as I was bouncing, jump-jacking, push-upping, and sweating up a storm, in my hideous Bella-esque sweats, and holey t-shirt, I felt a slight tug on the elastic at the back of my sweats. Mid jumping-jack, I reached my hand around, to find myself PULLING OUT a 5 dollar bill. Yes, my friends. My husband gave me a tip. In my pants.

Me: "What is this?"

Ted: "Just commending your good work."

Me: "..."

the end.

what's lauren happy about?

1. The Christmas-ified Mama Face!
Have you seen anything more ridiculous and cute in your entire life? I thought not.
2. The Epic Fail Pecan Pie!
Now, many of you would ask, "why would that make you happy?" Well, I baked the pie, took it out...saw that it was burnt, cried my eyes out, much to my helpless husband's dismay. Then we tasted it. It was glorious! I even had to hide it from the Christmas-ified Mama Face.

3. Will it ever stop?
I think not. I am only happy because I caught the pen on camera.

4. My husband is a nerd.
I came home to find Ted in here...

A close-up? Here you go...
Yes, Ted is in the bathroom playing some stupid fantasy game, no doubt. When I asked him why he was in the bathroom, he replied, "The best reception is in here." Oh. Foolish me.

5. Big Gulp Christmas Tree!
A co-worker of mine, drinks so many Big Gulps resulting in mass amounts of Big Gulp cups, we thought it would be hilarious to steal the cups and make him a pretty little tree. Voila!

6. Ted's Birthday Eve!
I am a big believer in "birthday eve", so I let Ted open a present. Look how dashing he looks.

7. Ted's birthday!
I slaved in the kitchen for 3 hours (with the help of my momma) and made Ted homemade marinara sauce and homemade chicken parmesan with a side of salad and bacon almond green beans. It was glorious. Want to know what is NOT glorious? Ted in this picture. He looks like a haggard old wrinkly man! Check it...

Let me just reiterate. Old man above...handsome 22 year old here :)

8. An unsteady camera hand!
My mistake turned into a masterpiece.

I was so impressed with myself, I made mistakes with the camera all night....

9. Golden Spoon's Decorations
Look how GHETTO Golden Spoon's decorations are. Ted and I laughed and pointed fingers because we are like 5 years old. I think the golden spoon workers were pissed at us. I hope so. Muuuahahah!

10. Golden Spoon/Snuggles/Smallville.
After 3 months of marriage, we have finally gotten to season 6 of Smallville. That is pretty much ALL we watch. It is awesome. The other night I walked into the living room to find that Ted had moved our mattress in order to have a comfier snuggle. Look, he even set up the Golden Spoon.

11. Sierra's Face.
Look how awesome it is. That is all.

12. Birthday dinner with friends!
We had 15 friends meet us at Charleston's for Ted's birthday. Good times were had. We even got one of our friends to ask a waitress for her number. It was awesome. He shot her down. That wasn't awesome.

13. Someone is an artist.
Not to mention any names (Ty) but someone drew a swastica on my take out box. Not happy...but blogworthy just the same. May that person burn in heeee...*moving on*

14. Our Christmas presents are wrapped!
I am pretty much a wrapping paper snob. Like srsly. Don't even give me a gift if it isn't cute. Just kidding. Seriously, please give me gifts. Ok, bye.

15. Cute projects :)
I worked on these on Saturday and they turned out sooooo pretty. I am excited to hang them!

16. Ted's birthday party with the "Face" family!
I made sweet pork salads, and Ty made the best cake of my life. Fun times were had :)

17. Dad Face lighting the candles...

18. Ted being a good sport and letting me take his picture for the blog :)

19. Best cake of my life.
Srsly. I have never tasted anything so heavenly and evil at the same time. Ty, you are the cake master of the world. I praise you for your skills in magic, my good man.

20. Ted's presents from the Face's.
Zachy made Ted a batch of Oatmeal Chocolate Chip cookies (so delicious). Mom and Dad Face bought Ted the Lord of the Rings trilogy on DVD along with 2 hardback books. Ty and CC bought him "Beedle and the Bard". Woohoo! I was wanting to read that.

21. Check out this car!
I saw this guy driving on Friday, but didn't have my camera. I was delighted when I saw him today, again! Look at those sa-weet antlers!

22. Our Christmas lights :)
I drove up to our apartment, and saw these glowing in the window. Our very first "bulbous lights". Ted set them up so that I would squeal when I got home. Yay!

oh no you dih'int!

Dear The Internets,

(See attached picture) I see that you have decided to leave me. Was it my breath? Because, let's face it...nobody's breath smells like Edward's in the morning. I mean, I don't even kiss Ted in the morning because his breath staaaaanks. Oh...so it is Ted's breath that offends you. Ok, maybe that can be dealt with.

When I found you, that wonderful Saturday afternoon, two blissful weeks ago, my heart raced....I felt ALIVE! But, now...I am dead. Did you leave because we chose to steal you from our neighbors, instead of paying a very low price of $29.99 for our own internet? Well, how rude! Do you realize what we could do with that extra $29.99? Well, let me tell you...

(1) I could drag Ted to Twilight again, AND buy a popcorn! (Would probably do regardless of the extra $29.99)
(2) I could skip on over to Hobby Lobby and buy my weight in cute crap that no one needs. You don't know what cute crap is? Well, then you haven't been to Hobby Lobby, have you?
(3) I could buy Ted more Soy Egg Nog...but, that wouldn't be fun and awesome. I think I would rather...
(4) Buy ANOTHER Edward shirt...since I have 4 already. (And I'm pretty sure one is wrapped under the tree. When I say, "pretty sure" I mean "definitely")

As you can see, I have much more important things to do with my money. I already talked to God...he told me it was ok to steal internet from the neighbors...he said my list of stuff was much more important. All I need you to do is show up on my screen and say, "Lauren is now connected to the linksys (because that is you name) Network". Quite simple...and oh so kind. My life, kinda sorta definitely depends on it.

Sincerely but not respectively yours,

Lauren

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When driving down the road on Saturday, I immediately had to call Ted to tell him this:

Ted: Hello?

Me: Ted! I have the MOST HORRIBLE news!

Ted: What! What happened?!

Me: You will not believe this, but they closed Rigatony's!

Ted: NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Me: I know, right?! I almost died.

Ted: It was there a week ago!

Me: I know. But that isn't the worst news...

Ted: What?

Me: ...

Ted: Yes?

Me: Somehow I left the house without my bra on.

Ted: HAHAHAH! Now everyone will know you are as flat as a board!

Me: *hangs head in shame*...Thanks.

blogging

Blogging is an interesting thing.


I was reading one of my friend's blogs yesterday and I saw a picture of the journals she has FILLED in her life. 14! She is close to my age and she has filled 14 journals! I don't think I have EVER filled even one journal. I am so impressed with her. You see, I have always hated writing because I hate when my hand gets tired...it buuugs. When I was 18, and Ted was on his mission, I started reading Ted's sister's blogs. I then decided I would start my own and try to keep a virtual journal of sorts. And it all began here.


I had about 1 or 2 comments here and there. Plenty of 0 comment days, but you know what? I was HAPPY because I loved blogging. I didn't care if I got comments or not...it was always about having fun and feeling the satisfaction of having an on going journal. I think the first time I got more than single digit comment numbers was more than a YEAR after I started blogging.


Comments. We all love them. Some people love them because they give them confidence in their writing. They feel that by getting a comment, then someone thought their blog was awesome enough to comment on. Some people love comments because they see blogging as a popularity contest. Really? Why start a blog at all? I am truly baffled by this way of thinking. "Hmmm, I think today I am going to start a blog so I see how many people like me." Truly baffling. But whatever...if you think that way, that's cool. Some people like comments because they like feedback on what they wrote. They like to hear the opinions of others. There are people who like comments just so they know who read the post. And then, the most important in my opinion, are people that like comments for the friendship. Some of my dearest friends are people that I "met" through blogging.


Me, being curious, and one to check my sitemeter probably 10 times a day...I like comments because I want to know who is reading. I see it this way: Say I made a batch of delicious cookies. I was so proud of those cookies because they were my own secret recipe. I put time, effort and love into the cookies. When the cookies were ready, I set them on a plate. I walked away for about an hour, and I came back and the cookies are gone! Someone had eaten all of the delicious cookies. I wasn't mad because, I made them to enjoy, and for others to enjoy...however, I want to know who ate them. Do you see the parallels? If I take the time and effort to compose a post, I would just like to know who read it. Also, I am one of those people that likes feedback. Were my cookies as scrumptious as I thought? Do they need a little more salt next time? Did you love them? Of course, if you hated them and have something mean to say...I would rather your not say ANYTHING. See what I mean? Comments have NEVER been a popularity contest with me.


Lauren, do you read my comment? You get so many...Of course I read EVERY single comment. I have a nifty little thing that sends each comment to my e-mail. It is beautiful. It is something I have been convincing my mom of getting, but she insists on checking her blog 50 times a day. Ha! Anyway...yes, I read everyone's comments. I savor everyone's thoughts. I find your thoughts fascinating. And knowing people cared enough to comment, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.


Lauren, if I didn't comment, would you be mad?...No way! Everyone has a life outside of blogging...which brings me to my last and final point...


I try my absolute hardest to read everyone's blogs that come to mine. It is only fair. I truly enjoy reading about your lives. It is so fun and truly is a hobby of mine. Isn't it funny how interested we are in each other? Anyway, I try. Did you know my blog title, "Busy Bee Lauren" isn't a cute play on words? It is the truth. I work 8-5 Monday through Friday. I go to school after work. I make HOMEMADE dinners for my husband almost every night. (That's right folks...I have sworn to never serve Mac & Cheese or Ramen) I tidy the house, I have a huge job in my ward and then after all of that, it is time to snuggle my husband. You see, Ted feels rather rejected when I decide to read women's blogs instead of snuggling him. I do my best. I try to be loyal to my readers when I can...but you have to put priorities first...and blogging is NOT a priority in my life. And neither is TWILIGHT, by the way. Just thought I would throw that out there.


Ok...I think that is it.

everyday convos

Happy 22nd Birthday, Ted, you hunkalicious babe thing! Hope you have a happy happy day! What am I saying? Of course you will. I planned everything. Anyway, for a more sincere and loving post, go here. You won't get any of that crap around here....people will think I love you or something. Instead, for your birthday...I will be making fun of you!

Three nights ago...as I was putting on makeup and getting ready to go somewhere:

Ted: Who is cooler...Harry Potter or Edward?

Me: Duh. Edward.

Ted: Who is cooler...Harry Potter or Ron Weasley?

Me: Harry for his skills in magic...but Ron is cooler in funniness.

Ted: Who is cooler Ron or Hermione?

Me: Stop asking me hard questions.

Ted: Who is cooler Ron or Hermione?

Me: Fine! Hermione.

Ted: Who is cooler...Lupin or Sirius?

Me: I am busy.

Ted: Who is cooler...Lupin or Sirius?

Me: Sirius. Now go away.

----------------------

Last night, while I sat on the bed blogging...I was half listening to him:

Ted: Who can run faster...Edward or Clark Kent?

Me: Edward. For sure.

Ted: Who can run faster...Clark Kent or The Flash?

Me: The Flash. Remember, we saw so on Smallville?

Ted: Who can run faster...The Flash or Speedy Gonzales?

Me: What the?...The Flash.

Ted: Who can run faster...The Flash or Edward?

Me: Stop talking to me. I am trying to blog.

Ted: Who can do a better under water attack...Aqua Man or Speedy Gonzales?

Me: ...Ted! Go away....wait...what? Speedy Gonzales is like a mouse.

---------------------

Last night, right before falling asleep...(will only be funny to people who have seen Twilight)

Ted: Who is more of a "monkey man"...Emmett or Edward?

Me: Emmett of course.

Ted: Who is more of a "monkey man"....Emmett or me?

Me: Go to sleep.

the framing.

In the far reaches of the office, lies a dreaded and dreary place.
A place so awful and dastardly that it causes the inner bowels of some, to explode.
OK...maybe people just go into that awful place to just do that...to let their bowels explode.
The place that I speak of is...the office bathroom. (cue scary music...kaythanxbye)


I am not gonna lie to you guys. The place is horrible. I have witnessed some crazy stuff. "Lauren, what crazy stuff have you seen?! Tell us, tell us, tell us!" Geez, calm down. I am getting to it...


First off, here are some quick facts about the bathroom and me:

1. I pee an average of 5 times in an 8 hour work day. That means, 25 times a week. Yes, I counted. And yes I averaged the number. And no, I didn't average the number strictly to put on my blog...I was genuinely curious.
2. The bathroom is a great excuse for a break. Have you ever sat on your butt for 8 hours? It sucks. And my butt isn't boney. I feel bad for those boney butt folk. For the first time in my life I have a reason to appreciate my bubble butt. Thanks Lauren butt for being so squishy.
3. I hate running into people in the hall as I enter the bathroom. It's like, "Hey. How are you doing...don't mind me, I am just about to go get rid of my waste." Yah...the worst.


Anyway, so the other day was like any other. I was taking bathroom break number 3 and I entered my usual stall. I placed the seat liner on the toilet seat. The liner promptly fell off, so I attempted to lay another one down, failing again. When I finally sat my bootay down, my eyes lingered to the toilet paper holder. (Cue Heavenly Chimes of Chimey Happiness) Lo and behold, there sitting on the holder was a brand new, shiny blue Pilot pen. "Bathroom gods, how did you know that Pilot pens were my favorite? How did you know I secretly envied the other secretaries that have whole collections of you in many hues? No matter!" As I reached my hand forward, my consciousness told me not to take pens from the public office bathroom. But it is so pretty! My mind yelled back. But it is sick nast! My germiphobe consciousness retorted. Well, my sick nast part of my mind won, and I took the pen back to my desk. I pulled out my hand sanitizer and scrubbed away at my pen. Once it was dried off, I tenderly placed it with my other miserably jealous pens. They too wanted to be as cool as a Pilot. Sucks to be them.


Well, the next day...while taking bathroom break numero dos, to my great astonishment I found another blue Pilot pen placed on the toilet paper holder. What the crap? (no pun intended) Could it be the very same pen? Nooooooo, it couldn't be...could it? Well, I picked up the pen, went back to my desk and sanitized it. When I went to place it in my pen holder, I found the other pen to be missing! I had found the same pen again!


I regret to inform you that this same incident has happened 4 times now. I have come to the conclusion that someone who runs a blog has decided to frame me, and is waiting to get enough evidence before they post it on their blog and expose me! Ah ha! I beat you to it, you framing fiend! No one will defeat me....muuuuahahahah! Muuuuahahahah! MUUUUUAHAHAHA!


Stayed tuned for 3 more stories from the mysterious office bathroom. I really can't believe so much foolishness has happened as of late. Like, srsly.

to my blog readers.

Why is it, that in church, all the bishops in the entire world of Earth say this same line, "Now we have a few matters of ward business to attend to." Never a deviation! It is mind blowing. I wonder if bishops are briefed on proper sentence structure....hmm?


Now we have few matters of blog business to attend to. You see, I am a curious girl. Did you know that I know my mom's e-mail password? 'Tis true. I see all of the crap you write about me, to her. Oooo, you are scared now huh? Ha! No need to be. My mom is rather sneaky. She likes to delete e-mails immediately after she receives them, just to drive me insane. I bet she cackles to herself and rubs together her veiny hands knowing she has defeated me. So pretty much what I am saying is, I know my mom's e-mail password, and I check her e-mail...but I haven't seen anything of importance. No, not even your crap-filled e-mail about me.


So that had nothing to do with this post. Ok...a little bit. As I was saying, I am curious in nature. Therefore, I MUST know who is reading this blog. I see you readin'. I know that over 350 people read this blog a day. However....I average 40 comments on each post, so I know someone is reading and not paying up. Didn't you know there is a fee to read this blog? The fee is to comment. So pretty much if you are reading and not commenting, you are stealing. You better go talk over that stealing with your bishop. I bet he will give you counsel on matters of ward business and such.

This isn't a cry for more comments. This is a cry to know who you are. You see, if you comment, and I read it (which I will) I will come comment to you and we can be friends. It is very simple. I am friends with everyone who comments. Except mean people. So if you are a mean person, you are dismissed. Oh, you don't know if you are a mean person? Let me give you guidelines. You know you are a mean person if:


1. You steal people's bacon off their plates.
2. You make fun of my mom. I am the only person allowed to make fun of my mom, thanx.
3. You don't like my blog. I mean srsly.
4. You are from my childhood and now hate me for no apparently reason.
5. You are the person who keeps leaving beer cans on my porch. Stop trying to frame me!


Now that you know you aren't a mean person, you have no choice but to reveal yourself. Did you know I hired ninjas to track down whoever doesn't reveal themselves by Thursday, December 11th? It's true. They will go into your house...steal all of your chocolate, and give it to me. So comment, gosh danggit!


Sincerely,
Your Future Best Friend Lauren

"hello my lover"

This week marks the 22nd year that day Ted has been alive...and not dead. I am making quite a big deal about this blessed occasion. I have been planning for weeks how to make this the best birthday of his life. And then it dawned on me. He probably just wants me to buy something from here. So I shall. Hey did anyone notice my title? Can you guess what movie that quote is from?


Anyway, I decided to start off "Ted's birthday week of 22 years of awesomeness but 1st birthday of wedded bliss-ness" I thought I would show some pictures...and then tell you what I love about this crazy Ted man. So, here goes...

1. Ted plays cards with me.

I love playing cards...I truly do. And Ted plays cards with me a lot. He even is gracious enough to suck at playing cards, so that I win. :)

2. Ted takes me to Disneyland.

Ted knows I love Disneyland. I love it more than most things in this world. Ted used to not love Disneyland...but now he does because we have fun together. He is such a good husband-cute-thing.

3. Ted puts up with Twilight

I love Twilight, did you know? No seriously...I LOOOOVE it. And I LOOOOOOOVE Edward...a lot. And Ted plays along. He drove me for 5 hours to Forks, when we were staying Seattle. He listened to me squeal the whole way there, and tear up when we drove away (I'm a cryer). He read the entire series and even discusses the books with me pretty much everyday. What a good sport.

4. He picked out my dream diamond.
I am picky...I had to have the EXACT diamond I pictured in my head. As long as he fit the criteria that my brain had, then he was fine. He gave me a ring even better than my brain conjured up. It's a rock! Yay Ted!


5. He is a reader.
I love that he is a bookworm. I love that he would much rather peruse a bookstore than watch a sports game on TV. He is so awesome...and nerdy :)

6. Ted is handsome.

Look at those curls! And dark hair! And blue eyes! Hubba Hubba :)

7. Ted is sweet

He is the cuddler in this relationship. I sometimes feel bad that I am not as lovey-dovey as he wants...but I am shy! I get embarrassed when he kisses me in public...but I still appreciate the gesture and am working on not being so shy. He always puts my feelings first. He is such a softy :)

8. Ted thinks I am skinny.

What the heck? I don't know what he is talking about, but I appreciate it just the same.

9. Ted is fun.

I think anyone that knows Ted knows that he is a bundle of fun times.

10. Ted believes in Date Night.

Ted makes sure to take me on a date EVERY week.

11. Ted chose to marry me.

This is something that still makes me wonder. Out of all the girls in the world, why me? I still can't understand it, but I am so grateful. Ted is such a wonderful husband, and I am so lucky to have him forever.