Want to hear a little story? Alrighty...you've got it!
So, I make fun of people that take beverages or food items into the bathroom with them. I do it mercilessly. I am evil. I have found empty Golden Spoon cups in the bathroom at home. And since I didn't eat while sitting on the toilet, I have a pretty good guess who did. Siiiick. At work, the same thing....well not Golden Spoon cups, but you know what I mean. Right? Good.
Well, the other day at work, I was in a hurry. I had just transferred all of my phones up to a different part of the building, so that I could cover someone else's phones and my phones at the same time. I knew I would be up there for about an hour, and I knew my stomach would growl, and I knew that it was really quiet in that part of the office, so therefore I knew that someone 10 miles away would hear my stomach growl, and I knew I would be embarrassed at the astronomically loud explosion inside of my stomach that I knew that said person would mistake the growl for a fart, soooo...knowing all of this I brought along a granola bar. As I was traipsing down the hallway, I realized I had to pee. I was faced with a dilemma! Hold my pee for an hour (*shudder*) or take my granola bar into the bathroom with me!
Oh the horror!
A bead of sweat formed on my furrowed brow as I made my life changing decision. In a split second I had turned from avid believer in no-food-in-bathrooms to a practicing food-carrying-in-bathroom HYPOCRITE! A piece of me died inside. Just like when I found out Joaquin Phoenix laid down a rap record in P-diddy's studio *hangsheadinshame*.
Not only was I a hypocrite, I was a cowardly hypocrite. I quickly hid the evidence of the measly granola bar by pulling back my light sweater and sticking the bar under my armpit. Ah be quiet...I use Secret Maximum Strength, ok? Anyway, once the bar was secure I put my sweater back on and made my way into the ladies room.
After I peed, unthinking, I reached to press the flush handle with the same granola-bar-armpit-arm! I swear I saw my life flash before me as the granola bar ran away from it's hiding place. Thank heavens the Lord was with me and enhanced my grabbing-things-reflexes to Edward Cullen speed, because I was able to catch the bar before it entered it's watery grave.
I was able to leave the bathroom undetected. However, my conscience knows the great evil I did. I swear to never enter a bathroom with food again..especially for vain reasons like people thinking my stomach growling, may be a fart.
--------------------------------------
On that note, I leave you with my small birthday wish list.
(Ted already got most of my wish list stuff)
I know all of you have been fretting about my birthday.
(It's next week, by the way)
Fear not! I bring you linkies of great joy!
56 awesomespice comments:
Um, first?
Yay, I was first, so I can now write my comment without fear of being stampeded by the voracious Laurenites.
OK you need to email me your addy so I can send you sumthin'. I promise not to stalk you... much. JK. Oh, and I call dibs on getting you the lolcats shirt.
Also-also, check your email because I think I resolved your banner issue.
Kthxbai! :D
Second! (dangit!)
So much for stealthy granola barring, eh? lol!
This is too funny! And I totally think it's weird when people eat in the restroom too.
eew food & restrooms do NOT mix. I HATE bathrooms so I'd rather hurry do my businass & get OUT. Who has time to sit there & eat? seriously. Same goes for no hand washing. Which a lady at work NEVER washes her hands. SICK. Not even 5 seconds after you hear the flush of the toilet she comes out the door. How do you even get your pants on that fast? sick. Can you please explain the I can has catz shirt? I don't get it...maybe I'm not as cool as you but does it have secret meaning to it or is it some cool trend I just don't know about yet?...Yay for your birthday next week!!!!
There's a difference between carrying the food into the bathroom and actually CONSUMING the food on the toilet. Thank you for not eating on the toilet. On that note- I found an empty box of crackers under my kids sink in the bathroom. Apparently Tristan gets hungry as he... does his business. Yuck.
i too have a thing with food in the bathroom... its almost like i believe the mere fact of BEING in the bathroom gives my food nasty toilet germs... its psycho.
but i, too, have been forced a few times to eat with shame in the bathroom. and i want you to know that i have been able to repent and move on. i hope you can find courage to get help and no longer carry such a burden of guilt.
:)
*shaking my head in shame* Lauren! You have brought shame unto all Lauren's!!!!! *sob*
I'm just kidding by the way.....But really Lauren what were you thinking? :)
At last I have found something different between you and me---I despise that I CAN HAS NO BRAINZ language. You like it, therefore we are no longer twins.
I still like you though.
Once, in high school at a dinner party, I took my chicken to the bathroom with me---not to eat, but to protect it because I knew they would eat it or hide it while I was gone. Horrors.
Eww! Food and Potties don't mix. But thankfully you did not consume your granola while on the toilet. That is the grossest thing ever.
Did you ever watch "Stranger Than Fiction"? Dustin Hoffman totally walked into the bathroom holding a cup, he sets the cup on top of a urinal, unzips his pants, pulls out his ___ and pees, zips his pants back up, PICKS UP THE CUP with the hands that he just held his ___ with, and walks to the sink to wash his hands. Then he picks the cup back up! Ummm. Dustin, you didn't wash the pee-pee germs off the cup, so now your hands have pee-pee germs again. It was so sick! I really like that movie too, until then. And now I refuse to ever see it again.
Camille - How can you deny the beauty that is LOL catz vocab?? It's ok...I will forgive you.
Food in the bathroom is NASTY!! Eating food in the bathroom is NASTY X10!! But I think that since yours was in a wrapper it doesn't really count the nastys cant get in the wrapper.
A story for you.. I was getting a sandwich at a sandwich shop the other day and got a cup too. They said they would call me up when the sandwich was ready and gave me my drink cup. I had to use the bathroom I was by myself what do I do? Leave my cup unattened on the table or take in the bathroom with me?? I thought fast like Edward Cullen would before anyone could relise what I was thinking about and left it by its self at a table in the corner. Good call or no? What would you have done?
Lauren, I love your blog! haha how funny! I hate it when my stomach growls and someone thinks its a toot too.. haha. I wish I was as good of a blogger as you, its so cute!
I am trying to teach Liam the no food in restroom rule. It's still hard for him to let go of his cup of snacks and he jogs to the toilet.
And I didn't know the Cullen's had a family crest. COOL!
as he jogs, not "and"... der
I LOVE LOL CATS!!!
At least it was still in it's wrapper...right?
I admit that sometimes I will run a hot bath, and take some lindt truffles and a cold drink and put them on a clean surface next to the tub. The toilet remains closed and no pottying is allowed at that time.
Can you forgive me?
Ummm I totally peed with a cookie on my head yesterday. No. Lie.
Oh and no worries about number 1 on your wish list, do you KNOW how many Princess action figures I have?
Alot.
All unopened, just chillin on my shelf.
Its great.
But look at plastic Movie Edward...he looks crazy!
is there an inside story to the catz language?? i don't get it...
haha that story is so funny!! ya food and drinks in the bathroom is a no no. nice birthday list I hope you get everything and more!
I loved your witty writing once again you made me laugh outloud! I have never ever even thought about bathrooms and food in the same mind thinking monments...hmmm really I have never seen it, heard about it ever, ever, ever, weird huh? I dont think I have ever seen anyone eat in the bathroom either, Once though I was shopping at the thrift store (the D.I.) and I pulled out a granola bar and started eating it and my friend was so gossed out by that, I guess she though me touching food after touching old stuff was just gross! Weird stuff! You are a very funny girl, you really should post an address we can send you birthday wishes or FB my message box your a mailing address so we can get in on the birthday action! srsly
I loved your witty writing once again you made me laugh outloud! I have never ever even thought about bathrooms and food in the same mind thinking monments...hmmm really I have never seen it, heard about it ever, ever, ever, weird huh? I dont think I have ever seen anyone eat in the bathroom either, Once though I was shopping at the thrift store (the D.I.) and I pulled out a granola bar and started eating it and my friend was so gossed out by that, I guess she though me touching food after touching old stuff was just gross! Weird stuff! You are a very funny girl, you really should post an address we can send you birthday wishes or FB my message box your a mailing address so we can get in on the birthday action! srsly
ew lauren brings food into the potty room. sicknast. just kiddin. i know your dilemma sweetheart. i would have done the same thing... except i probably would have put the granola bar in my pocket or set it on the towel dispenser.
nice wish list.
love edward dollyface
can't wait to see what his awesomenss brings.
Hi Lauren!! I've tagged you for an award!! Visit my post here to get your award
http://katemf.blogspot.com/2009/01/yeah-my-first-award.html
What a crack up! I for one think it is gross to eat in the bathroom - ewwwww I am totally with you on that!
Also, is it wrong to start calling my 8 year old "Mr. Hootie Pimpster" - aaahhh ha ha haaaaa
I swear I just loved that name when I read it on your blog and it stuck I cannot stop calling my sweet little boy - Mr. H P. Oh my!!
I ate lunch in the bathtub yesterday, and it was so fun I did it again today.
You took food in the bathroom? Well I take cold drinks for the quenching of my thirst whilst I soak in my nice hot tub.
I like the shirt with the cat that says I CAN HAS BURGER? I think that is what my cat asks me sometimes.
so... i basically don't believe in taking food into bathrooms. it siiiicks me out! but, i have no problemo eating just OUTSIDE a bathroom, especially if there is sufficient ventilation (ie, the place i am eating is a corridor of sorts and it is therefore open to nature and fresh air) which is why yesterday, at school, when it was RAINING and we couldn't eat lunch on the field, me and my friends camped outside the girls bathroom. i didn't think it was that scandalous, but the teacher across the hall apparently did. she kept repeating in this ridiculous accent of hers, "you're eating by the TOILETS! why??!" to the point where we just decided to ignore her. it worked - she went away and we continued munching our munchies outside the girls lavatory. the end.
oh, and i'm TOTALLY sending you a lil' somethin' for your birthday, even if it is only a custom-made Hannahcard. i will not revert to sending you a store-bought card, however.... i do not stoop that low. it sucketh indeed that i can't buy you either the shirt or the Edward doll - especially since i was set on buying you the shirt for CHRISTMAS and didn't! hoops! the whole information thing on the doll made me laugh though: "the sensitive vampire", "beautiful articulation with movable limbs", "includes a Cullen crest". hee hee!
I'm laughing so hard and so grossed out at the same time I seriously don't know what to say about it, so I won't say more --other than I so would have put it in my bra in your situation. Cleavage is handy my friend.
I TOTALLY want the Edward doll.
OMG i cant believe edward is an action figure!!! i'm really interested about his upcoming blog role!!!
hey, at least now you know you have mad quickness skills that might come in handy!
i'm the same way though... idk what i would have done -- i know i would have froze outside the bathroom door and thought about it for a while though lol.
i'm really weird about people talking to me in bathrooms too.. like washing hands is okay but while i'm in a stall doing my business is not okay... and usually i ignore them and pretend like they arent talking to me lol.
But at least you didn't eat while inside the bathroom *shudders*!!
I don't get the cat T.
I dreamt of movie Edward last night. *sigh*
Wait...Joaquin Phoenix did WHAT?!
I believe we all have a little hypocrite inside of us that will inevitably eek its way out at some point. Yours just did it on the toilet.
I think we should all eat when we are hungry no matter where we are. Nuf said.
Gasp! Oh man, I totally feel the same way you do. Is there really not enough time in the day, that you have to multi-task, combining food and well....the way you get rid of food? *shudder*
I am impressed that you caught it before it fell ;)
They have Edward Cullen dolls?! I want one!
I don't bring food or drink into the bathroom either. Yuck!! Especially public bathrooms. They are one of my phobias.
I am curious to see what you do with that Edward doll. I am looking forward to it.
Oh, I agree with Ann Marie, that I would have put it in my bra..Oh the supoort mine would hold...HaHa!
And, I'm sending you your runner and maybe...{sneaky} another gift as well for your Birthday!!!
k so I know I haven't commented on your blog in a long time-- yes am guilty of reading without commenting--- I vow to comment semi more regularly...hey be glad you get that...I have a 4 month old and two crizazy boys...ANYway I digress. I too find eating on the toilet unsanitary, but sometimes in the interest of time a girls got to do what a girls gotta do. And just so you know that every time anyone says the word 'party' or 'birthday' I bust out 50 cent style, but what is not so cool is that my 8 year old is starting to as well...good thing he's never heard the real song. I've had to take my rap/hip hop loving into the closet cause I don't want my boys to be thugs or wannabe thugs...My hubby never even knew the depth to which my rapping skills went until we were driving down the road one day and House of Pain "Jump around" came on and I was down with the lyrics like white on rice....Then I got embarrassed and quit ---to the closet I retreated. He tried to get me to lip sync it at his military ball a couple weekends ago but I luckily was out feeding my baby when it finally came on. Although most of the superior officers were all drunk by then so no one would've remembered anyway.
OK official end to longest comment ever because I babble thank you very much.
My dear friends who do not know the awesomeness that is "LOL Cat" jargon -
Remember how I had that picture of the funny cat that said "I can has Cheezburger?" on it? Yep. The end.
Lauren
I am speachless.
Well....umm, atleast you are honest. ???
For you birthday, I have this really awesome sweater I think I might send you. You like teddy bears right?
Lauren I never thought you would stoop so low as to take food into the bathroom with you. (hangs head with shame} Since its the first and LAST time this will ever happen ... I forgive you. hee hee.
I didn't know your birthday was coming up? When is it in Feburary? Also I read your post on Edward on your other blog and I love Edward always have always will! And I love how much you love him!
I'm against the food and bathroom mixture. :)
Yay for birthdays!
...and I bet it smells like cotton candy.
nice reflexes! ahh!! granola in the toilet! eewww...i'm glad you caught it. happy birthday present hunting to YOU!!
Nobody I work with cares if their stomachs growl. They all sit around in meetings and all of their stomachs growl. Me, I'm always afraid someone will hear mine. I think we are the sane one and they are probably the ones eating in the restroom for less than sane reasons. What did I say????
favorite part: Thank heavens the Lord was with me and enhanced my grabbing-things-reflexes to Edward Cullen speed, because I was able to catch the bar before it entered it's watery grave.
i never told you this but while i was in CO for Christmas, my SIL was on her laptop laughing at something and afterwards told me that she is addicted to your blog and thinks you are the funniest. i heartily agreed and we proceeded to talk about your cuteness.
a buff Dwight? really? i would never have guessed.
hey, how do you use bold and italics on this thing? i was bound and determined to put "buff" and "really" in italics or bold, but it kept rejecting it. confused much? i am! :)
Yeah, what Tori said.
Ok, if you never talk about this again I shall forget it. Deal? Deal.
I use my foot to flush almost every toilet...maybe that could have helped you...haha.
HAHA!! oh goodness! I am sitting at work and seriously trying not to laugh right out loud. Toooo funny! My favorite part, "After I peed, unthinking, I reached to press the flush handle with the same granola-bar-armpit-arm! I swear I saw my life flash before me as the granola bar ran away from it's hiding place. Thank heavens the Lord was with me and enhanced my grabbing-things-reflexes to Edward Cullen speed, because I was able to catch the bar before it entered it's watery grave." love it!
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