So first off, I am cool because I was on the Twilight Lexicon AGAIN. Don't believe me? Go here.
Now, I will proceed to tell you how I am not cool.
Exactly one week ago, I was in the work bathroom with a granola bar under my armpit, peeing to my hearts content, and then when I went to flush the toilet, the granola bar took flight, but luckily my super sweet fast reflexes saved the granola bar from entering the toilet.
Umm, yah... Fast forward to today...
So remember these cute glasses?
Loooove them. Well, I don't really love them anymore.
Why? Well I will tell ya...
You when you gotta pee, and it is like an emergency? And you speed walk to the bathroom so fast you need like a sweat guard on your forehead to make you look legit? And where you lock the stall and it's like your pee KNOWS it is pee time, so it starts to hurt really bad and you just can't get those pants unzipped fast enough, gosh dangit?! Well, I had one of those experiences. I have those experiences every time I pee As I was placing the protective butt shield on the toilet, I felt the glasses start to slip from my face, and before I knew it the glasses were half way to the entrance of the toilet.
"Nooooooooooooo...."
And for some reason my superhuman reflexes were revoked, because I couldn't catch the glasses in time. They entered the toilet and half way went into the toilet hole. The hole? Really? Why must they go into the hole? I stood there. I looked up to the ceiling and raised both of my arms slowly into the air and in gesture as if asking "why?" I said, "For the love!" After a few moments I sucked it up and placed my left hand into the toilet bowl. Yes, the toilet bowl that has been consecrated with crap, vomit and old people crap (because we all know there is a difference...don't deny it.) I retrieved the glasses and suddenly forgot the herculean urge to pee, because I had much more pressing matters on my hands (literally). I rushed to the sink and scrubbed those dang glasses for 5 minutes. Then I went back to my desk and scrubbed those dang glasses with antibacterial. And you know what? I still haven't gotten up the courage to put them on my face.
At least I used my left hand to retrieve them. Just in case we meet someday, you can shake my right hand without worries.
------------
COME BACK TOMORROW FOR MY BIRTHDAY!
IT WILL BE A PARTY...CRAP FREE, TOO!
49 awesomespice comments:
I have decided you talk a lot about going to the bathroom! Way funny!
Happy Birthday, tomorrow!
Yep, we keep it real around huuuur.
I even have a label for bathroom adventures.
thats the saddest thing ive ever heard! those glasses are so cute! i would be sooo mad! congrats on your appearance on the lexicon again! your so dang funny girl you crack me up! and happy happy early birthday!
My deepest sympathies for the desecration of your truly cute glasses. So.. Lets talk about me....ummm, yeah, so I totally figured out that site thing cause, yeah I'm pretty much not very observant these days and they totally emailed me, not to mention I found it on your blog again...I'm sorry you have to put up with my totally long comments but also my constantly shrinking intellect. I am still going to blog stalk you though so don't think that just cause I feel sorry for you putting up with me that you won't have to anymore...muah ha ha ha ha ha haaa....
PS happy birthday...ah to be 21 forever...really it's a great age. you'll like it...a lot better than reaching ummm... other decades
SICK! i'm so sorry, but i don't blame you for not yet putting them on your face! haha sorry girl! Happy B-day and I'll see you Saturday!
Wow. I think someone needs to get you a pocket fishing pole for your birthday, so if there are any more toilet episodes you can just use the pole to fish whatever it is out.
Truthfully, it is way better that the glasses went in and not the granola bar. Just use caution next time - no loose articles, watch out for jewelry. I'm actually worried for you now. :)
Wow, I wear glasses sometimes, and I have NEVER had this happen to me. Too bad.
seriously lady.. you need to stay out of public restrooms. and only pee at home, after you get out of the shower... because that seems to be your safest bet.
happy happy almost birthday!!!
seriously lady.. you need to stay out of public restrooms. and only pee at home, after you get out of the shower... because that seems to be your safest bet.
happy happy almost birthday!!!
BTW I just looked @ the Twilight lexicon again and congrats it seems you've set a trend- pretty soon we are going to see a whole lotta blog posts about "Cooking with Pocket Edward" Then maybe you'll appear on the Rachel Ray show and a surprise appearence of movie edward will come....ok back to reality sorry I got carried away
Rachel - I hope it doesn't become a trend. But, alas...it probably will. I bought Pocket Edward to be a regular feature on my blog...I hope it still stays funny.
So so so sorry about your glasses! Maybe if you boil them in water/bleach mixture if would make you feel better! Have a Happy Birthday though!!
On my 21st hubby & I went out & ordered virgin margaritas but I emphasized to the server that I COULD order non-virgin ones... you know, if I drank & wasn't pregnant... but I COULD now because I was 21. Don't do that, I got an awfully strange look & "So do you want them virgin or not?" Hmmm.
Wash them in the dishwasher by themselves to sanitize them. Might melt them ... might clean them. That or let them soak in alcohol all night.
Guess your kryptonite is the bathroom.
Knot
Oh too funny. I'm trying to decide if I would be brave enough to reach in and grab the glasses. I guess after dealing with diapers all the time, I can handle it, yes?
First HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! And it really sucks that you dropped you glasses in the toilet! Bad luck!
maybe you should go to the bathroom before it becomes an emergency!, but then again your life wouldn't make me laugh if you did that.. so keep it up. ;) ha ha ha
Lauren. Love.this.post. so I have to tell you.. a couple weeks ago I was at Costa Vida. Had to go pee real bad. As Im doing my business and wiping!.. my FAVORITE bracelet somehow comes off my wrist and falls into the toilet.. What to do! What to do!! So as disgusting as this sounds, I reached in and grabbed it! Pee and all! The only thing that made me do this was because of an episode of Oprah.. thank heavens for Oprah. They did a test and found that there are more germs and nastiness in your kitchen sink then in a toilet! Think of how many times we stick our hands in the disposal when something large falls down the sink? In all reality its more sanitary to stick your hand in the toilet. Who knew? Hope that makes you feel better :)
Oh your poor glasses and left hand :/ I guess it could have been worse like your wedding ring falling in there right?
hey if you don't want those glasses I'll take them..jk jk. Loved the story so FUNNY! and HAPPY birthday tom. that's exciting :)!!
I would have done the same thing. Those glasses are adorable.
OH MY GOSH YOU MAKE ME LAUGH SO HARD!
It's a good thing the toilet isn't one of those when you get up it flushes ; )
My advice--head to the bathroom BEFORE you REALLY have to go--like maybe when you think, hmmmm I feel like I need to go to the bathroom.
Can't wait for tomorrow's post!!!!!
Your trips to the bathroom are always so exciting. Mine are so booooring. Luckeeee.
I would have soooo left the glasses in the toilet!
Bravo for retrieving the glasses....I think it was worth it. If it were me, I'd wait 2 weeks, and then wear them. For some reason, I feel like they would be clean then....or at least I wouldn't feel gross then.
My sister dropped her keys in the toilet of a gas station during a road trip. The nastiest part was that she had already peed. What could she do? She HAD to get the keys....so yes....her hand dove in her own excrement......YUCK!!! And not to mention, gas station potties are the ghetto-est, filthiest, scuzziest bathrooms in existence!
I just wonder how you managed to live your entire life without dropping food and clothing in the toilet, and now this.
What could have changed?
You know, they say pregnant people are kind of clumsy.....
The say that the toilet is actually cleaner than the door handle to the bathroom, because at least toilets get cleaned often. Just so you know.
Bleach them. Nothing can live through a vat of hot bleach water.
I had a bathroom adventure last year when my cell phone dropped in the toilet. I retrieved it and tried to get it to work. Sadly I had to get a new one. (but not really sad...I wanted a cooler phone..hee hee)
THAT TOTALLY WAS ABOUT .5 SECONDS AWAY FROM HAPPENING TO ME YESTERDAY. I saw my life flash before my eyes, because it happened when I reached to flush AFTER I did my business. And it wasn't just number one in there. I also wouldn't have had the option to not wear them because I'm pretty sure I'm legally blind without them.
Happy Birthday tomorrow!
I agree with the bleaching. A nice bleach-water mix, soak them for, i dunno, around 4-5 YEARS. And while that's soaking, get a prosthetic arm to replace the one you stuck in the public toilet hole.
Sick nast to the max, yo.
The Toilet Strikes Again.
You could have a comic book series about all your Potty Adventures!
Darth Lauren Vs. The Torturous Toilet!!!!!!!!!!!!
Big hit.
I have the best idea, sorry everyone else. Don't boil them, they'll melt. If they're plastic or have a protective coating on the lenses, don't do anything else to them. Call the optometrist's office. They would tell you what would be safe to disinfect them with, after they stop laughing.
If you can't bring yourself to call, I'd bet your mom would do it for you. She seems cool like that.
Wash them on sanitize in the dishwasher BY THEMSELVES of course.
You have me hooked on Paramore. Thnx. I needed some new tunes.
kthnxby
I stole that from you, cause I'm not cool enough to think it up myself. Is that okay?
lauren,....you brave soul, thats all i got to say. BRAVE soul! Bless your heart, would you like me to send you some antibacterial hand gel--extra--and some sweeeeet killer granny chains to go around your glasses for further non toliet experiences???
Those are the cutest glasses, and an adorable picture of you! Very funny story!LOL Happy Birthday Tomorrow!!!
Happy Early Birthday Lauren!!!! I hope you have a great day. And I'm sorry for the loss (sort of) of your glasses. I have had near fatal glasses in toilets accidents before. Also, congrats on being featured on the twilight lexicon again!
I hear you Lauren. There wouldn't be enough disinfectants in the world to make me feel good about touching the glasses again.
They are gone man.
Congrats being fetaured on the Lexicon again!
such a travesty.
if it makes you feel any better... i will confess a travesty of mine.
however, i must warn... its doesnt have a happy ending. at least YOU can say that your right hand is still shakable.
so. i seriously got braces at age 10. got off braces by age 12. and then the dentist dude gave me some retainers that i was commanded to never take off except at meals. he said i had to wear them FOREVER if i didnt want to revert back to MOOSE. so i took it seriously.
one day, in 6th grade... at lunch time... i took out my retainer and placed it in my napkin until i was done with eating. and then, being caught up in friendly chatter, i threw all the things on my tray away, and ran off to recess.
that night... i noticed... something was missing in my mouth. something called a retainer. scared of the MOOSE future, i resorted to confessing to my mom that it was missing. she was of course upset that i had been irresponsible- and then went down with me to the school and we looked through the entire dumpster... of nastiness. milk, ketchup, mustard, burgers, pizza, and tons of other unknown regurgitated looking food. and low and behold- we found it... at the bottom of the nastiness.
we cleaned it off.
i still wear the same one today.
*shudder*
please don't ban me!
I WAS YOUNG, OKAY?!?!?!
That's just wrong.
If it helps, my dog pooped in my purse this week. For real.
weep
Oh, Lauren. How do you have the most dramatic life ever? I am sorry. That's gross and I am proud of you for getting them out. I would have gone looking for tongs or a man or a toddler or something.
Why didn't you call me back?
Sick nast! HAHAHA! :D
You know, Pee is supposed to make your skin beautiful and zit free. Seriously. They used to do it back in the olden days to keep the skin fresh and beautiful.I had a friend who tried it and her skin glowed! You should just put them on your face and rub them all around.
Do you know anyone with a steam-cleaner? They rock!
I "Ditto" Omars comment. Too funny.
oh my gosh - so terrible!! i HATE dropping things in the toilet!!! For a while there, it seemed to happen OFTEN to me... I hope you aren't on the same roll I was on for a while. mischievously evil toilets. you are brave. ... i HATE toilets. why oh why can't we just never use them??
That sucks. I probably would have a hard time putting them back on too. I would probably use rubbing alcohol and then I would feel that they were clean enough. I use rubbing alcohol to clean everything. Just dump them in it.
oh Lauren! this post cracks me up everytime I read it. (yes I've read it more than once!) I feel your pain...I drop things in the toilet all the time! I dropped my favorite lip gloss in a public toilet once, after I peed! don't ask me why it was out of my pocket while I was still in the stall...i don't know. sadly I retrieved it. NO i did not use it again...it went in the trash. but it was a very sad sicknast day. (okay I couldn't just leave it there...someone in my office would have identified it, talk about embarassing!) I also have a cabinet above my home potty and I knock stuff off that into the toilet all the time! you would think I would learn to keep that darn lid down! on occassion, my vampire reflexes kick in and I grab whatever is falling to its watery grave. but thats not usually the case.
Post a Comment