In the last couple of days, I have noticed that Pocket Edward was getting a little filthy. I thought to myself, hmm..."It's about time I give this little guy a bath." Yes, I am giving Pocket Edward a bath. In my tub. Scandalous....just the way I like it :)
1. The explanation...
First I led Pocket Edward to the bathroom. He was a little confused, because we both know he can't poop (jealous)...so he was pretty much befuddled as to why we were in the bathroom. I placed him in front of this bottle, and told him that he would be having a cutesy-wootsey-wittle baffey for the cutesy-wootsey-wittle Pocket Edward.
First I led Pocket Edward to the bathroom. He was a little confused, because we both know he can't poop (jealous)...so he was pretty much befuddled as to why we were in the bathroom. I placed him in front of this bottle, and told him that he would be having a cutesy-wootsey-wittle baffey for the cutesy-wootsey-wittle Pocket Edward.
2. The rundown...
Pocket Edward: "WTF?!
ME: "Don't 'WTF' at me...or your will have to sit in time out...and by time out, I mean frolic about with me while I imagine you being life-size Movie Edward...instead
of a lifeless piece of plastic"
Pocket Edward: "..."
Pocket Edward: "WTF?!
ME: "Don't 'WTF' at me...or your will have to sit in time out...and by time out, I mean frolic about with me while I imagine you being life-size Movie Edward...instead
of a lifeless piece of plastic"
Pocket Edward: "..."
3. Execution time...
Pocket Edward embraces the wafts of heat. And reminiscent of a Quiznos' commercial, he says...
Pocket Edward: "Mmmm...toasty."
4. Making himself useful...Here Pocket Edward, I poured you a nice cap-full of rose scented bubble bath for your relaxation and delight. Now, be a doll (teehee) and pour it into the bath of scalding hot (mmm, reminds me of you) bath water!
5. That's a good job, Pocket Edward...
Now, watch it! You are a bit close to the edge...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
6.
Edward...are you there? Edward?...EDWARRRRD?
7. He lives!"Here I am, my love!"
8. Pocket Edward looks like the abominable snowman.
Pocket Edward: "No...I eated him."
Me: "..."
*cue cricket chirps*
9. Pocket Edward steals from my husband...
Umm, Wee Edward...I am pretty sure, ok...pretty much POSITIVE that Ted wouldn't like you yoinkin' his Irish Spring shampoo. He might want to bite your head off. And, it wouldn't be hard to do...since you ARE a wee little guy. no offense. kthanxbye.
10. Pocket Edward doesn't care.
Ok. So I see you stole anyway. I will pray for your head...and it's beautifully painted highlights.
11. Lauren wants to touch those pretty faux highlights...
Hey, Pocket Edward...can I stroke your plastic tresses? thanx.smooch.smooch.kiss.kiss. By the way...you have huge eye-brows. Like...I am pretty sure they look like cat tails pasted on your face. Not an awesome look. Unless you want to look like my grandpa. Then that's cool.
12. Loofah time!
Pocket Edward is NOT amused.
Loofahs+Edward=notfriends.
13. Edward unplugs the tub...
Ooo...so talented with his I-don't-need-breathe-because-I-am-awesomely-dead-and-still-freakin-hotter-than-most-alive-guys-awesomeness. Git 'er done.
14. Like that stupid Mariah Carey song,
Pocket Edward "Shakes it off"...
Just like me when I get out of the tub. He learns from the best. Not like he watched me or anything. I just told him.about it. OK...stopping.
15. Washcloths fit him better than regular towels...
Pocket Edward in a washcloth has an uncanny resemblance to Moses. We just need some holy tablets. Perhaps that could be arranged...
16. Now for the best part of after a nice bath...
Swabbin' it up with an "Ear Scrubby". Pocket Edward finds it irresistibly appealing...
"OM NOM NOM NOM NOM..."
73 awesomespice comments:
FIRST! :D
Now everybody will be hatin' on me, muahaha! >:D
That was SOOO HYSTERICAL! :D
Zach and I were laughing so hard! My favorite part:
"Pocket Edward in a washcloth has an uncanny resemblance to Moses. We just need some holy tablets."
k BYE!
No, really...I'm leaving now.
I lied.
I am so pissed that that post made me laugh.
The "no I eated him" made me laugh so much.
Pause for a moment of my own personal grief: You don't know how *insert many bad words here* my life has been in the past two weeks and your posts have made me laugh every single time. I appreciate it so much. You're so happy and funny, I'm sure all your other friends appreciate your cheerfulness and humor.
This was great though. :) <3
Shh...I'm on a blog break, but I had to come check you out because you make me laugh, and I needed one. You didn't disappoint! I laughed like crazy at this one!
Pocket Edward posts are teh bomb.
So are you. :)
OK, that was hilarious! I have a random question for you. How do you cross out a word like you crossed out Man on #6?
haha!! You are crazy! *no, I don't think you are, but I'm repeating the tag on the post* haha!!! VERY creative! :P
You are the kind of crazy I like!
haha i loved it!!! that was awesome and made me smile!
i just love pocket edward adventures! but now -- ya think by using teds shampoo that hes trying to be like him?! or do you think hes just trying to make ted mad?! =)
&&& it cracked me up that the first 6 comments were from your mom! hehe
hahaha! Lauren! You and pocket Edward are one AWESOMEly AMAZING duo!! You are so funny! I love this!
That cracked me up!!
That was awesome! I'm kinda jealous that you got bath time with Edward! Even if it is only pocket edward! Again nice post I like the adventures of pocket Edward!! Can't wait to see what he does next!
I hope Pocket Edward segments stay a regular thing, I love them!
you are so hilarious! I love it!
I my goodness, i didnt think i could laugh any harder after the dinner recipe with pocket Edward BUT you've done it again and I LOVE IT!! Thanx Lauren for givn Edward a Bath and making my night!!!!
You are so funny, it's not even funny! It's after midnight in my little corner of the woods, and here I am cracking up! Thank you for the funny dreams that are sure to ensue when I lay me down to sleep!!!
I loved the "man" overboard ; ) and how he's so helpful. Too funny--as always.
Classic.
You crack me up! Let me know when Edward gets his tablets. I'd love to know what's on them!!!
Pocket Edward cracks me up. You are so funny. I'm thinking pocket Edward could go on a trip or two and be photographed around world. You should start sending him with people when they travel. Let him see the world and all.
I'm pretty sure this needs to be submitted to some film festival, it's pretty much the coolest storyline ever.
Does Edward wear skinny jeans? That just can't be okay. Tell me I'm wrong.
So funny story, I woke up this morning to my phone telling me I had an email. So I checked it, and there was a post on Facebook on the group thing for Lauren's Bite blog saying that Pocket Edward had his first bath.so I opened it up while trying to get my sleepy eyes to focus, I died laughing... keep in mind it was 5:30AM and my hubby worke up in a panick because i was laughing so hard. I told him to just go back to sleep! :)
You are a comedian. Seriously...
I think you will be famous one day from these words!
" That's a good job" LOL!
You and your Mom are going to have me saying that! So funny!
Moses line was my fav also!
Hope you have a happy Valentines with Ted! Love ya and your cute sense of humor!!!
i am indeed hatin on nancy face up there for being first. bah. lol i srly didn't think there would already by 27 comments at 8:30 in the morning! what the heck! sheesh. okay lauren i think pocket edward isn't getting a little tooooo crazy for me ;)
im speachless.
and seriously starting to wonder about you and edward...
By far, the funniest thing ever! I couldn't stop laughing!
By far, the funniest thing ever! I couldn't stop laughing!
By far, the funniest thing ever! I couldn't stop laughing!
By far, the funniest thing ever! I couldn't stop laughing!
Lauren, you are the best, that was so funny! I look forward to many more Pocket Edward adventures.
Hahahaha Lar you make me laugh so hard! P.s. I have those same towels in my kitchen:)
Oh Lauren you crack me up! My favorite is Teds comment. He laughed! Poor guy, hes going to have a bad day now that he thinks pocket edward is the best. Ha ha.
hahaha you are so funny! Where do you come up with these things haha! I love your personality!
This was awesome! Did you post it twice? Or am I just dreaming that I already left a comment?
It makes me wonder if Book Edward ever does shower. Would he need to? We know he "venoms" but does he ever sweat or get stinky?
Did the Cullens have running water or did they just build Bella an outhouse? ;)
so stinkin' funny.
loooooove the q-tip!
BTW, i assume you do these things when ted is not home? or is he sitting in the other room whilst you bathe with pocket edward?!?!?
oh my. i love the q-tip part... i really hope that ted doesn't bite his head off. pocket edward is so adorable when he is nice and clean!
Coolness, that was almost a short film....and i loved when Pocket Edward had his arm sticking out of the suds....save me! Very funny!
Edward did need a bath since the ladies were all over him at your party....does he have a hint of Irish Spring scent? Or is it only okay for Ted to have a hint of Irish Spring?
I'm a blog stalker; however, I just had to let you know that you are hilarious!!! This is seriously one of my favorite blogs!
you and pocked Edward are out of control!!!
Now please come over to my blog... I think you'll enjoy my newest post. :D Seriously.
*snort* That posy was one of the best ever!!!!! I love it! Pocket Edward is hilarious!!!!
You are HILARIOUS!!
hahaha oh my that was the funniest thing ever! haha have some time on your hands? haha
You have 50 comments on a post about a Barbie taking a bath- and he wasn't even naked.
You are a spaz! lol
Oh my gosh that was Hill-Air-EEE- Us!!!
This pocket Edward thing is out of control. I am going to go find a pocket Edward today at the mall.
...and a moses towel! J/k
You are funny have a great Valentines Day with your sweetheart;)
P.S. Still calling my kiddo Mr. Hootie Pimpster - You Arizona Ghetto talk has a way of rubbing off on people who have no ghetto talk of their own - and stuff like that- ha ha
if we were best friends i would tell you that you are pretty crazy.. but, since we're only really internet bud's, i'll say that it's hiarious,................. and maybe suggest a psychciatrist..
seriously, i dont think anyone can make me laugh at a computer screen like you can. this was hilarious. you are too funny! i just loves ya!
hahaha I LOVE the pocket Edward segments! You are so clever :)
OH MY FREAKING GOSH!
YOU'RE KILLIN ME LAUREN!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's still hilarious reading it the second time!
Happy Valentines Day to you and Ted. :)
Fifty-seventh and fifty-eighth. So there.
YeeHaw!! Nothing like the smell of roses mixed with manly Irish Spring!
I think Pocket Edward needs a weekly adventure, but you should be careful or he will request that you give him his own blog. I can just see it now, "The Adventures of Pocket Edward!"
well thank you my dear for the comment! your so funny... its bout time wee edward gets a bath hes DURRRTAY!
hahaha HE LIVES!!! "Here I am my love!". Absolutely brilliant, well done, well done! Im pretty sure I just wet my pants. Wait, Im not wearing pants...I am in a towel cuz I just went tanning and I dont want to get my tanning lotion on my clothes. Yes I admit it, I FAKE BAKE!!!! True Story.
thanks for the comment! your right, about the nice comments thing. i'm just happy to get more than one comment on a post! haha, thanks!
-sJs2
Still loving it.
I was wondering if you mind if I put a link to your blog on my next post?
Oh my! Pocket Edward cursed! And right in front of you! I am shocked and slightly embarassed. Book Edward would never have done that. I guess being shrunk and made from plastic isn't very conducive to keeping the same standards as one once had. I mean, this isn't the only bad thing Pocket Edward has done. He's also been quite the player! Kissing and hugging on many different women. What a sad, sad outcome. :(
I forgot to say: You are SO silly! And have such fun and crazy ideas. I really cannot wait to see what you'll come up with next time. And after this post, I am sure it will be something that I would never have thought of in a million years and be so entertaining that I will have laugh til I cry. But no pressure. ;)
you are so funny.
Girl you seriously crack me up! I LOVE it! Keep the pocket Edward posts a-comin'!
I love your Pocket Edward posts. You are incredible, Lauren.
I'm dying with laughter....HIL-AR-I-OUS!
man, pocket edward looks studly with that irish spring shampoo on him.
that shampoo is too much. it is running down his face... eeuw. and he has huge eyebrows, as you have stated before. still, though, he is quite a good-lookin' Moses. now where did you put those holy tablets, did you say?
Are you kidding me? This post is so Teh Awesome FTW that's not possible!
And I totally missed it.
(I shall whine forever Lauren. 4ever.)
Just discovered this 2 whole years later, and I can't decide whether your Mama and Ted's comments or the post is funnier.
You rock. Lauren.
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