Dear Mama Face,
I have favor to ask of you. I am in no way pregnant. I have no intentions of getting pregnant until I am a senior citizen...the ripe age of 35. Heck...Ted and I don't even believe in practicing making babies. How scandalous of you to even assume that! *crossesfingersbehindback*
Anyway, so Ted and I don't like babies and never want to touch one. At least not right now. But...when the day comes that Ted decides that we need the tax return incentives, then maybe I will bake a bun in the oven and shoot out a baby. So here is when you come in...
I need you to confirm that you will be in the delivery room holding my hand as I attempt to squeeze it off...then yank it out of it's socket. Since we will be in the hospital I don't think it would be too difficult for them to salvage your remaining limb and attach it some sort of way. No need to worry about that right now. Now, I know you are wondering why I would need you in the delivery room...well, take a look at this picture:
Do you remember that night? No? Let me refresh your memory.
So, we were watching LOST season 2, while you cut Tedward's hair...and while dad read the newspaper (probably just reading the comics). Well, during the episode they showed Mr.-Manly-McHottie-Pants-Jack perform a blood transfusion with a piece of bamboo. And it was bloody brilliant...in a sicknast sorry of way. Well, you noticed Ted turn a lovely shade of green and asked him if he were ok. At this point, I noticed Ted looked rather vomitous. So what did I do? Being the sweet and caring wife that I am, I whipped out my camera to document Ted getting sick from watching the TV show! As you can see...you are in the background obviously laughing at the vomitous Tedward. What the picture doesn't show is Ted in the backyard blowing chunks.
Ah...my husband is weak-sauce. And for that reason...along with his history of nearly-passing out when I was in the Pre-Op room with my IV...I highly doubt the Tedward will be present for the shooting out of our tax-incentive baby. I have already informed Ted that I expect him to be either (1)hugging the side of the crapper in the bathroom or (2) being tended to by his own nurse with a cold compress of some sort while I endure insane agony that I hear is a lot like the pain of a bohemian bikini wax...Holy Crap!
So you see...your services are needed.
Love,
Lauren
PS...I love babies.
PSS...I do not see them as tax-incentive awesomeness :)
PSSS...this is beautiful. the end.
3.22.2009
hey mom.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
75 awesomespice comments:
Bah haha! I love your mom like CRACKING up in the background while Ted is leaned forward! Oh what a fabulous picture! This made not doing my essay TOTALLY worth it! ha!
Oh! And i love the INTENSE face on movie Edward going in for a little kissy-poo!
I am with ya! Luke will be the same way!!
Ah dang it! Almost first. That picture is classic! Well at least you know this now before that baby day comes. That picture at the end is quite beautiful!
I've been just WAITING for the day you would suddenly post this! >:D
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! >:D
I'll be there! Big stinkin' deal if I lose a hand...I have two of them.
I could watch that yummy kissing scene over and over and over!
Hmmm...perhaps I shall!
k BYE!
Oh heavens Lauren, thats so funny!!! I remember your mom posting something about this, but she didnt give us any details..and I was wondering when they would emerge! :) I LOVE your moms face in that pic!!! And I love that you always have your camera ready for those classic shots!!
Hahaha, thanks for the pic, Lauren. :)
Poor Ted.
My husband was wonderful when our babies were being born, but he works in a hospital and has seen much worse things than babies being born. He was even able to hold my spew bowl for me!
Ew! Enough of that talk!
Babies are worth all of it, but I think it's great that you guys are waiting until you are ready and that you are enjoying a few years of just the two of you first. My husband and I treasure our memories of 'our' years, no matter how much we adore our kids we do reminice at times.
Hubs sounds a lot like Tedward. It was a pain in the butt to even talk to him about birth related stuff. I would say, "I think I'm going to have an epidural" and he would go throw up. Seriously. But when the time came, he was there. Standing by my head, staring at the wall behind me and holding my chapstick out where I could grab it if I needed to. And when M was born, he was so happy to be there. Even though he told the nurse to wipe her off before he would hold her.
That picture is awesome. I remember that scene and it was pretty gross. Not the kissing scene, the LOST scene.
I have watched the kissing scene infinity times since I got my DVD on Saturday. I've only watched the movie once, but I watch that scene over and over and pretend it's me.
I enjoy practicing making babies even though neither of our junk works any more.
I heart hysterectomies and vasectomies.
Aww poor ted! Just make sure he has gas and air, that should make him drugged up enough ^^
The bottom pictures gorgeous. But poor Robert, he looks so much in pain!
Well i would be to, knowing i had to kiss pot-head kristen- sorry all you stewert fans ^-^
You can just see the longing he has for me. Yeh, robert so wants me. ;)
Love the picture--your mom is such a hoot ; )
I have a feeling Ted will be up to the challenge.
As much as Pocket Edward would love to one day help you through childbirth, he doesn't want you accidently injuring him in a fit of crazy,hormone,drug-induced birthing antics. He'll calmly wait outside with Tedward!
Too funny, I can totally relate!
:-) My husband was not in the delivery room for our first b/c he too is grossed out easily. We had a BIG pep talk before the 2nd one and he stood at my head. He made it through! With the third, he was an old pro. Just tell Tedward to hang out where he can't really see anything.
BTW, I LOVE reading both of your blogs. You are a HOOT!!
Ha! My husband waited until we were having our third to decide to pass out. Then, all of the doctors and nurses stoped tending to me and took care of him. Hello, I have a baby hanging outta me! Just to give you heebs this morning (and since you referred to 35 year olds as senior citizens)I got to cut the cord! It was like a cooked spaghetti noodle. (ok, that last part grossed even me out, sorry)
Sickly Ted picture- Hilarious!
Edward picture.. One of my favs.
Good deal having Momma in there.
I had my Mom with everyone of my babies, and she was THE best nurse there hands down!!
My Chad doesn't get sick easy from that stuff-- but the epidural came, and HE almost needed a nurse.
TRUST ME. It's good to have the husband in there for some support, but Mom has been there and done that. She KNOWS what you'll need.
Hilarious that you got out the camera to capture his awesome-sickness-ness.
I think my hubby was asleep in the delivery room up til the baby was delivered and then cried. Oh well.
I love how the collection of Twilight books are right next to the collection of work and the glory books on your mom's shelf haha. Too funny!
Oh and PS- my husband almost passed out too but luckily momma was right there too! I think it's great to have your mom with ya!
I call my kid's "tax deductions" all the time. My dad's a CPA so it's humerous. ;)
I will come if Nancy's not there. I've been thru birth a few times...
That picture is hee-larry-ous! Poor Ted.
My hubby is pretty tough but when he saw the epidural needle,he had to turn away.
I <3 the smooch-y picture. *sigh*
Oy vey, Lauren! I'm the weak sauce in our relationship. Kyle will have NO excuse good enough if he can't handle the delivery of our children. I don't want my mom, sister, or anyone else in that room. You're very brave!
Zach is so scared to be in the delivery room. He is not a bood person either but I didnt give him the options you gave ted. I told him he helped make it he can help hold my leg. Ill let you know how it goes.
Well, I do hate babies, and I'm not ashamed to admit it! ;)
Ha Ha! Tedward really does look green in the picture! I'm glad my husband has an iron stomach...he's been through five deliveries and seen a lot of gore!
PS...That kissing scene is my favorite and I HAVE watched it over and over!
please tell me that's wallpaper and not a zillion hand-stenciled hearts by nancy face.
You left out the part where they don't give epidurals for the bikini wax, hence, childbirth = have a coke and a smile.
ummm so edwards face in this picture is so concerned. or concentrated?? which do i choose. idk...
anyways. poor ted and his vomiting self.
that might possibly be the funniest post ever!.. i had a baby 2 weeks ago and my husband wouldn't even cut the cord!!.. whats with these guys!?..
Childbirth - I would say it is akin to doing the splits over a crate of dynamite. However, I never felt the end stages as 'Lil Man came by way of c-section. People lie when they look back on having babies by the way. Ask someone who has had one in the last three months - sleep deprivation demands they tell the truth.
Oh Lauren, glad you cleared up the tax incentive I was starting to get worried! Ha But I see your point about your mother being present! good looking out
That seriously just made my day.
wanna know something awesome?
i am a convert to zach efron. true story. watched ALL the HSM this weekend... loved. rocked. have all the songs in my head.
be proud of me.
I love you Edward..and Lauren, I am soo happy that he is my home now forever!! I was thinking about what your next blog would be about this last weekend when my daughter, friends and I were watching it!! Thanks for new post, keep em commin.
I'd love to say that Ted may surprise you and be totally present and helpful during delivery of your future children, but.....based on this photographic evidence....it's a good thing your mom will be there ;)
And now, this end today's episode of the longest run-on sentence in a comment....EVER!
haha your "PS"'s at the bottom are funny to me because it was almost as if you were expecting, and therefore trying to avoid, hate comments from people who love babies and would take offense to your sarcastic humor
love it :)
Kristin - I knew SOMEONE would sit there and have a hissy fit...so I had to let them know that I was joking. I mean...have a baby for a tax incentive? I am pretty sure babiez cost an arm and a leg...no tax incentive could bribe me to shoot out Tedauren.
I am glad that you know that children are not only good for tax-incentives.
Emily - You are right! They are also good for personal slaves! :)
M has a bib that says "Tax Deduction." But you're right. They cost way more than the incentive gives back. We do call her "Daddy's Little Tax Deduction."
I can't believe he got sick enough from watching a fake medical procedure on tv that he actually threw up! That IS weak sauce! Definitely keep him out of the delivery room. You don't need him spewing all over Tedauren.
What a good mama-face. I'm sure she'll be right with you.. you'll need her!
Lauren said...
Emily - You are right! They are also good for personal slaves! :)
Exactly!!! Tee Hee!!!
Seriously though they are great tax deductions!
There are seriously so many men who cannot handle the sight of blood and guts. Poor Ted!
Good to have moms :D
it's wrong to see them as tax-incentives? Oh. Poor Tedward...that shot is hilarious...makes me feel better about my hubby though! He's not alone.
Poor poor ted.
This is too funny.
He he.. my Twilight books are right next to my Work and the Glory series too. Oh goodness. Thank Heaven for moms!
OH and about your post on March 17th.. I totally thought your last name was Face! Your mom totally cracks me up!! What a fun family, love the bloggies!! :)
aren't moms great :)
BTW, we had our 3rd baby induced on dec 31st.
know why?
that's right - tax deduction!
and so that he can go to sunbeams when he's barely 3 and drive the teachers crazy :)
I love hearing the end of the story your mom started. AWESOME!!!
Poor Ted. I'm betting that he will make it through. I think he's gonna be tough when it comes to the tax deductions you both make.
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
Sorry I have nothing witty to say.
Just:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA
Haha, you are entertaining, but Ted getting that sick from a TV show and you snapping pictures is even more entertaining. I dig it!
Everyone I know is having babies! I'm feeling a little left out. Like I should join in just because everyone else is. ACK! We decided to wait a few years...I'm not ready to be a mom yet. Thanks for the anonymous post...it was the best thing I've ever read and helped keep my perspective on my life.
Yow. Fortunately, I am the one who gets queasy at that stuff. The Brain thinks it's cool.
This post totally had me laughing! I have to admit that when you said you and Ted didn't like babies I got all excited and said YAY, I'm not the only one!! LOL...I have 2 teenage boys and my hubs has 2 girls AND I sometimes get the heebie jeebies when people ask if I want to have another. They are great, but I'm SO done.
Having your mom with you & hubby in delivery is the best. The two of them can tag team to wait on you hand and foot.
Hee, Hee....I did not think anything could be better then your pocket edward post, but your blog is great.... I hope we can be blog friends because you ROCK!
I LOVE babies and I LOVE Lost! soo funny/sad that he threw up! so are you guys caught up to season 5?
Bah ha my husband is the same way! He almost passed out when he got his IV and he can't watch the TV screen when anything medical is going on. He definately won't be present at my birthing session either. Our poor, pansy husbands :)
Wow, I thought I was a wimp. Sorry Ted, you're definitely wimpsauce. Brandon watched my doctor make an incision in my abdomen, spread apart my stomach muscles, set my bladder on my body and then cut open my uterus to remove our baby girl and then staple me back together.
You are freakin' hilarious! Thanks for coming over to my lowley little blog!
It is not as sick-nast as you think I promise, it is the most awesomeness thing us woman can do!
Poor vomitous Tedward!
Wow, he does look green. It ain't easy being green :(
PS: I must agree that the picture is lovely.
okay this is the first time i have left a comment EVER like even on my family's blogs but i want to tell you something. my neice sweet necter sara has a link to your blog and i just happened to click on it one day, you see back in october my 14 yr old son was accidentally shot by my 11 yr old daughter while playing, the bullet went through his spinal cord leaving him paralyzed from the nipples down with some nerve damage in his right arm and hand, we spent quite a bit of time at primary childrens hospital and it was a very hard time for me as my hubby is a trucker and was gone alot trying to keep some money coming in, when i found your blog and started reading it i found that it made me laugh and brightened my day so i read the WHOLE thing while watching my son sleep. i laughed out loud a few times and my other kids wanted to know what i was doing. anyway we are home now and my boy just started going back to school and is doing pretty good but i just wanted to say thank you, you sound very busy but still find time to brighten my day.
I want to marry you...Ted can hang with Scott. Seriously.
You make me smile. As does that picture on the bottom. Like we haven't spent HOURS breaking that one down. Sigh...
Just make sure there is no bamboo in the delivery room and only let Ted look at your face. You need special blinders for him so that he doesn't have to see anything else.
I guess there is no way he will want to cut the cord then...
I think that's a fairly reasonable request considering the options. I do, however, think Ted will be able to manage...just keep some smelling salts handy.
I love how you put the disclaimers at the end. Veryyyy sensible. Don't need any trolls chiming in.
"I guess there is no way he will want to cut the cord then..."
Ew! Even I wouldn't want to cut the cord.
That was something I was happy to leave to my husband. It's so grissly! Not at all what I expected. Surprisingly hard to cut. Even after giving birth to three children (two over 9lbs with no pain relief) I wouldn't have the stomach to cut the cord! :)
just wanted to welcome you to the 'mormon shorts club'! mormon shorts are the only way to fly. and we make this look good. :)
My husband fell asleep! How's that for support? But good thing my Mamasita was there because she's all I needed anyways. He woke up for the very end. Good sport that he is.
i love that last picture. don't see what it has to do with the post but i will look at it for a long time anyway.
poor ted. but i agree, you might need to have your mom in there for some serious backup.
Post a Comment