Hey teenage-dude-that-lives-in-the-apartment-next-to-me,
Are you for real? Do you really burp that many times I day? I would say I was impressed if I wasn't so freakin annoyed. Ok...I am impressed. I really am. And annoyed, and don't you forget it! I have a few questions for you...
1. What does your mom feed you?
2. Why are you so gasy?
3. Why do your burps sound like the building is about to collapse?
4. Why do the walls shake when you burp?
5. Is the building going to collapse?
6. What is your burping average? I have counted about 43 burps from 5-9ish each day. Just want to make sure our stats are accurate.
7. Would you mind terribly if I punched you in the face?
8. How about if I kicked you in the knee?
9. Duct taped your mouth shut?
10. Why do you sag your pants so low?...ok ok ok...that doesn't have to do with anything, but I figured if we were asking questions, I better ask when I had the chance.
Here is the deal. The first 2 times you burped, Ted and I laughed. And we laughed GOOOOD....I tell you what. We even slapped our knees! (SHUT UP...you did NOT just burp again.) Yes, my friends...it was a knee slapper-Lauren-falls-on-the-floor-laughing. It was that funny. And I don't find offensive gas-explosions funny...because if I did, they wouldn't be offensive.
Anyhow, this is when your burp explosions crossed the line of Lauren-Acceptance:
1. When you WOKE me from my sleep.
Were you asleep when you burped? If you were, did it wake you? Because I can't imagine exerting that much force without waking from your slumber.
2. When you interrupted Edward Cullen.
Umm...my favy fav fake sorta-man was on my TV and you interrupted him. I never want to experience "You are my *buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp!* now" ever again. It ruined it for me.
*By the way...you burped 4 times while I typed number 2. When I heard the 4th burp...I yelled "Shut the Freak up!" at the top of my lungs. I think you heard. The should keep you quiet for 2 minutes.*
3. You burped when I was showering and I fell down because you startled me.
And I was pissed. Enough Said.
4. I heard you when I was IN MY CAR with the music TURNED UP LOUD.
That should be impossible. Who are you? Seriously...who...are...you?
This is how it is going to be. (burped again. you couldn't even hold off 2 minutes). You are going to stop, or I am going to kick your trash. I see you everyday as I am leaving for my adult job, and you are leaving for pre-school. You are in pre-school, right? Anyway, I see you each day...it would be easy to suckah punch you then throw you in the recycling bin. Secondly, I am going to write your mom a note expressing my concern for you and sign it as Dr. Bee. I bet she needs a support group after hearing you burp so much, and at such volume. Lastly, try closing your mouth. It will work wonders. On second thought...a burp of that power might cause brain damage. Wait...on third thought, YEAH...close your mouth. Muahaha >:)
Your neighbors who want you to shut the heck up,
Lauren & Ted....but mostly Lauren.
3.25.2009
hey neighbor boy.
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76 awesomespice comments:
Oh my gosh! I feel so bad for you and your hubby! The walls of your apartment building must be paper-thin!
You should write a note to his mother, or just bring it up in casual conversation. Just make sure that you and Ted are not making equally loud noises that are offensive to her. *wink,wink*
Good luck!
Wow. You must have some very thin walls. I hope he doesn't get a girlfriend anytime soon.
wow, that made me gag a little. seriously disgusting! I vote yes on punching that kid in the face.
all those in favor say "aye"!
You fell down in the shower?! Ah! Be careful!
Lauren,
HEY!
So I am basically a big big slacker and meant to leave a comment on your blog like a century ago but have failed to do so until NOW!
So..for a formal introduction...Hi! My name is Katelyn..nice to meet you!
I think it's hilarious that you look at my blog because my life consists of one boring day after another. But I am flattered, truly! It's nice to know that someone thinks it's fun.
Your blog CRACKS ME UP! I hope you don't mind that I read it. Your Pocket Edward is classic. I enjoy each and every post about him.
Anyway, this is long and now I am just rambling, so nice to meet you. Thanks for thinking my blog is fun. and thanks for letting me look at yours :)
-Katelyn
holy freaking crap.. tell him to plug his nose and burp with his mouth shut.
I just cried I laughed so hard!! I can see how that would start out as knee-slapping hi-larious and quickly escalate to "I wanna punch you straight in the face". Have you thought about purchasing one of those fart machines? A fart for every burp? But, he's a teenager so he might think that's funny. Unless you do it in the early morning when teenagers generally like to sleep...
hahhaa! how crazy is that! your walls must be SUPER super thin! I say you guys start burping even louder.
I feel for you! How annoying not to mention disgusting- and if he is so loud- either his mom is not home, doesn't care, or can't do anything about it- but you could buy him a bottle of pepto bismal, or gas-x, or some other such product and leave it on the door. Oh, and I suggest recording it and then talking to the manager.
Nathan was me :)
Dang, those are some thin walls! I'm sorry you have such a lame-o neighbor boy.
Now I will not be able to watch Edward say "you are my life now" to Bella without giggling.
Okay, my brother used to do this constantly. I'm talking the wall-rattling burps. It was awful. I had to grow up in that. Kid needs to 1) stop drinking soda. He's gotta be drinking something carbonated to cause that stuff because it's not natural for your burps to sound like the TRex on Jurassic Park. 2) He needs to get checked out for an intestinal disorder because, again, it's not natural.
3) He needs to apologize to anyone within a 5 mile radius, because if he's anything like my brother was, that's how far his sonic belches are reaching.
4) He needs to stop being a mouthbreather. Breathing with your mouth open and swallowing air only exacerbates the situation.
I swear, it was like he was constantly attacking me with his bodily functions.
I think the suckah punch and recycle bin is reasonable.
I need to start a support group from those recovering from extravagant gas assaults. *shudder* I feel your pain.
Best Lauren-Line ever:
I never want to experience "You are my *buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp!* now" ever again. It ruined it for me.
Lauren, I cried after reading that. Tears of laughter, I tell you, tears.
Oh, and I triple-dog-dare you to put some Beano in the dude's mailbox.
Lucky! You live next to Burp Boy, Superboy's lesser known cousin (what with supersonic belches being less in demand than super human strength and all). I'm so sorry.
For reals apartment living blows. I used to go ape sh*t with the broom handle on our ceiling to get the upstairs neighbors to STFU! Colby would wake up to find me in my underthings going at the ceiling like a mad woman. Then they would come down the next morning and ask us if they were loud. Ya think?
Oh GOSH! That is freakin' disgusting and ANNOYING!!You should pound on your ceiling everytime you hear a burp. Or better yet, invest in a cheapo fart machine (I only know they make one because my dad bought one...'nother story) from Spencers and hold it right at the ceiling every time he belches his testosterone ... or maybe that's his mating call. ew. Nuf said. Kick his trash.
Make him cookies!
I don't think they can send you to prison for killing someone with kindness :)
geez, teenage-preschooler-that-lives-in-the-apartment-next-to-Lauren&Ted stop your loud burpingness or i'll have to talk Lauren and Ted into beating on the wall all hours of the day/night... and if that doesnt phase you because your burping is so loud then i'll have to talk to pocket edward.... yes he is small but do not underestimate his strength!!!
Hey everyone...listen to this:
I was just reading all of your comments in my gmail, and my eyes noticed a google ad sparkling up above. Guess what it was advertising...
"Need to soundproof your apartment?"
Loooved it.
At least you're going to recycle him. That's the green choice.
That is absurd! It can't be healthy to have that much stomach gas.
You know Shrek says "better out than in . . ." Hahahahahahahahaha!
You need a quieter neighbor. Interrupting Edward is just waaaay over the line.
Oh my lanta that was hilarious. But having lived in apartments a couple times, I know EXACTLY what you mean! You should print out this blog and tape it to his door.
Or even better, get one of those things that makes fart noises and every time you hear him burp, make your nifty little machine fart so he can see how annoying it is.
Or an air horn. Or maybe just leave a bottle of Beano on his doorstep....
Pocket Edward called me and told me his master plan on fixing the situation.
Srsly tho that is digusting. Too bad you can't fart like his burps...you could have a gas contest and shut him up when you win : /
Hi Lauren, I'm a new commenter around here. I love your blog, your post make me laugh so hard!
I am especially fond of this post...I'm the only girl out of five brothers. In fact if I lived in AZ I would think that this said neighbor boy could be one of my siblings. I don't know why they do it, boys are gross. If it makes you feel better our last apartment walls where so thin you could hear the neighbors using the restroom. Very frightening.
Just thought I would let you know I'm here :) -Tia
wow. that's out of control.
Haha, that was so BUUUUUUUUUURP funny!
Oops.
He burped inbetween Edward?!?!?! Oh. NO. He. Didnt.
LOL so hard on "knee slapper"
But, really though...I hope things get better. Let him know you DO NOT dis-respect Edward that way!
Wow. I am suddenly so much more thankful for my house! I hope to never have to live in an apartment again!
Are you kidding me right now?? this is insanity. i cannot believe that. but it is quite funny and im glad you blogged about it because i was laughing and chellis was intrigued by the laughter so i read it to him and we were both laughing. hope the gasy-ness dies down around there!
Oh, the newlywed memories ... reminds me of when someone violently threw up out side the bedroom window of our first apartment waking me from a cozy sleep - it was SO disgusting!
You are welcome :) But now I cant find where I posted my comment. I thought that it was your last entry, but obviously not :) so I cant find it. I think I was lost in your blog :)) But I remember it was about preparing a little course for teenage girls:)?
I left you an award over at my blog.
WOW! That really sucks... He should get that checked out or something... I would want to punch him in the face to!
maybe you should stick a link to your blog under his door...
just so you know, you make sure he reads it and has fair warning.
:D
Maybe he can join the old lady who lives above us, who moves her furniture around EVERY night at midnight, without fail.
I don't understand it, it's so bizzare. Wakes us up everynight, because we think it's someone in our backyard.
Strange creatures out there. The adventures of apartment living.
You live a very interesting live. LOL. I swear if my neighbor burped loud enough to wake me, he would not live to tell the story.
My husband and his entire family burp like no other and it took some getting used to, but luckily they've never woken me from my slumber. Then there would have been a throw down.
Hang in there with your nasty neighbor.
I about died from laughter at this post... So funny :)
hey, pretty pineapple! i'm sorry about the freakin' neighbour. surprised he doesn't NEIGH too. but whatev. srsly, how is that humanly possible though? i can't even burp. CAN'T.
HAHAHAHA holy freakin cow. that is annoying! and kinda gross. but also very, very funny! cali was fun! me you and mauri really need to get together sometime. like for real. sorry i could not make it to the twilight party...the whole cali trip kinda ruined that :/
but lets watch it togeth cuz i've only seen it once in the theatre...yay!
"You burped when I was showering and I fell down because you startled me."
Bahahaha Lauren, that seriously made me laugh out loud. Oh, you poor girl. lol =)
Dear Lauren,
Since your last two posts are in letter form I thought I'd write you a letter too. Thanks for commenting on my blog. Srsly.. the neck jive is awesome. And seeing tiny pocket Edwards face in my followers makes me happy. I hope that kid burps up a lung or something. Good luck. Sorry you fell down in the shower!
Love, Lauren
In college I used to have an annoying neighbor that we could hear partaking in certain activities that are not G rated, and we heard him and his lady of the week quite loudly through the walls. Not a classy fellow. So during spring break, my roomie and I discussed leaving a stereo on repeat with New Kids on the Block turned way up, and the speakers up against the shared wall. We never did it...worried he'd break down our door to shut it off while we were gone, but, we banged on the wall enough and told him to shut it that he eventually got the hint.
Oh the joys of Apartment life. I don't miss it at all...
I think you should be loud (in another FUN special-huggin way ) and see how they like it all the time..
Tee-hee
Well, I didn't read through ALL the commments - but I say fight fire with fire.
Keep a couple 2 liter bottles of pop next to a shared wall, and every time he starts, you just let 'em rip.
That'll show him.
my grandma burps loud..i'm sure she can beat him in a contest. seriously..and she's old, like 94..old people burps at the worst, and she dosen't try to hide it either...
You hear him THRU THE WALLS?? What the heck?
What?? I think we need some video evidence now.
You should start hitting the walls and make correlating sex noises.
That's what i do to my annoying neighbors anyway... works every time.
PS i read your blog sometimes. i'm sure i dont need to tell you you're funny!.... but i will anyway. you are very funny.
i grew up with lindsay and you look super familiar!
I used to live next to a crazy old lady who lived alone and in the middle of the night we could hear her screaming and chanting strange phrases we didn't understand. I would have nightmares, seriously.
One of my good friends used to live next to a new married couple and every night after you know what they could hear the newlyweds singing "You light up My Life" to each other. One day my friend takes out the trash and sees the newlyweds and he starts whistling their song and she says to him oh I love that song. Hahahaha.
You should make him a neighborly gift basket, adorned with your gorgeous bows. Include the following:
Gas X
Pepto Bismol
Antacids
Kaopectate (just in case, you never know how much gas he's experiencing)
Breath spray
I'd bet he'd appreciate it.
Hi Lauren! I met you a couple years ago at Sierra and Ty's wedding reception. I found you while blog hopping from Kelci Fitz's blog and I seriously could not stop laughing while reading your stories! You are hilarious. and wow, there has to be something wrong with this boy, maybe you could get him evicted for excessive loudness? ha.
oh you didn't know?? that was rob. burping and gaseous sounds are his mating call. HOT i know but it helps him figure out which ladies will like him for HIM!! beauty is on the inside lauren, hello! :D
love that you told me to 'shut the freak up' you sound like me. twinners!
him rather!! you told HIM to shut the freak up.
wow this day rules.
This post caused actual "tears of laughter" from me. Thanks.
This post caused actual "tears of laughter" from me. Thanks.
I used to have the same issue when I lived in the dorms. Except it was a girl trying to play a recorder and she'd squeak every five seconds. :( This is so much worse though!
I haven't been able to read your blog since you changed your background. It makes me sad :(
I don't know what happened. Everytime I go to you blog it is all whited out. I can read it on our laptop but something happened to our internet connection the other day and now we need to reset it on the laptop. I need my husband to do it because I don't know how and he has been really busy. I will keep trying though.
I am horrified for you. No, really. I am so sorry!
Is there something wrong with this kid? Does he just drink soda and do nothing else? I am slightly concerned for him, but my annoyance on your behalf tops that.
Still, I'm a teensy bit selfish because if this hadn't happened to you I wouldn't get to read about it and laugh really hard. :)
aww remember when you used to be my neighbor girl? you never were stinky and i could never hear you burp but i truly loved it. :) thanks for the good times
It ate my comment. Booo.
Anyway, what a Philistine. Not cool dude.
;)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Again, nothing witty to say.
Just laughing my head off!
Oh my gosh....is that much burping humanly possible. What is wrong with that guy? This is so crazy....I'm so sorry. I must say though, this is so well written....it kept building and building until I was laughing so hard. This guy MUST PAY!!! Give him some fake pills the next time you see him that say, "Burp-X" and maybe he'll get the hint. What a schmuck!
Lauren. I think you should do a post about what is actually IN the costa vida salad that you rave about. Definitely very curious. Please and thank you ;>
This post is truely hilarious. Truely. ;) You give me sunshine on these cold NZ days! Love ya!
silly ; )
Wow, I'm just in pure shock that his burps are loud enough that you can hear them through the walls. I would say it was impressive, if it was maybe once or twice, but interrupting Edward is crossing the line. I'm sorry :(
Who is this boy and what is he eating that makes him so gassy! What a nasty jerk face! Well hope he gets some manners!
ROFLMAO!! Love your blogs!
Yeah...that would get on my nerves! I am glad I live in a house! (Even though our neighbors did wake us up one night because their music was so loud it was shaking my bed on the second floor!
Wow! I am so sorry for you. I hated living in apartments for just this reason. Hope he stops being so gassy, it can't be normal or healthy. Your blog is awesome! I'm a big Pocket Edward fan.
it's me.. i'm that boy
i'm a day late.. i have 477 unread items in my reader. ah
wait. he lives with his mom? and he does that? that is insane. i am officially grossed out.
that is SO sick. And that his mom continues to feed that child. I would smack him, I think. That is just unruly, rude, inconsiderate, disgusting, inappropriate, and just ugly. Write that note and put all our names down on the 'petition of sorts'. :)
Hi! My name is Kari and I've been reading your blog for a couple of days now, going back and reading old posts. I just had to say, you make me laugh out loud and spit stuff on my computer screen. I love it!
This post was so funny I literally CRIED!! Oh I feel terribly for you and Tedward, but mostly you.
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