Tonight started out like any other day.
Pocket Edward prepared a gourmet meal,
while I sat around eating chocolate covered strawberries
and watching the commentary of Twilight, over and over again.
while I sat around eating chocolate covered strawberries
and watching the commentary of Twilight, over and over again.
Ted can't complain about Pocket Edward,
when he gets to feast upon his delicious Pesto-Mushroom-Pork Chops.
While we ate, I thought I should ask him for the recipe, so that I could give it to my readers...
...so I searched for him in the special designated "Pocket Edward Pocket" of my Juicy Couture bag, but he wasn't there...
...I couldn't find him in my vest pocket either...
...my last resort was to check my apron pocket...but alas!
I was so frustrated.
Did I carelessly misplace him?
Did a cat eat him?
Did I step on him?
Did Ted throw him in the oven again?
Did he take off because he got sick of making me dinner?
Did he have a secret Barbie girlfriend he was sneaking off to see?
All of the frustration took it's toll on me...
After deciding, that squishing my face into a pillow, made it a bit difficult for me to breath...
I decided to pull out the big guns.
Ice.Cream.
Don't even deny it's special healing properties.
Yes...even the "carb smart" ice cream works wonders.
kthanxbye.
About 3/4ths of the way into the carton, and 2 tissue boxes later,
I heard a knock at the door...
I found this on my door step:
To my complete shock, I found a ransom note inside!
It reads:
"ATTENTION: AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW, PRECIOUS POCKET EDWARD IS MISSING.
HAND OVER $1,000,000.00 AND THE PLASTIC DUDE IS YOURS. IF NOT, I HEAR HE DOESN'T LIKE FIRE."
Oh no they di'int!
Lauren does not tolerate terrorism of any kind,
if you think the threats stop here...you are mistaken...
...along with the threatening was this blank disk...
psh... old school. Who even, uses discs?
(I might, but that is besides the point. We are working with amateurs, apparently.)
I inserted the disc to find this.
* If you have small children, I advise you to have them look away *
Pocket Edward bound, blind folded, and HUNG upside down over a flame.
My heart aches for the poor little guy.
I bet his hair is all melty and sicknast.
I will even go as far as to say it looks...lamespice.
*cringe*
So, who do I think is the mastermind behind this? and by mastermind...I mean lamespicemind)
I have my suspicions.
I am almost 100% positive that it is that imposter "Pocket Edward" on Twitter.
Ever since I saw him appear this week, I knew he was bad news.
I mean...we all know the original Pocket Edward doesn't have internet access. He is always in my pocket! Duh!
Anyway, I am willing to bet my blog that it was him.
Watch your back, ya'll.
To be Continued...
45 awesomespice comments:
FIRST
just cuz i'm awesome
okay now back to reading the post
BOO! to whoever stole pocket edward! I hope you get him back soon! he's so adorable!
P.P.S Do you have any monopoly money?
Truly Lauren at her best ; )
Maybe "neighbor boy" read your last post and is a little upset????
Who would steal Pocket Edward? Before you even got to thank him for a delicious meal? What a jerk.
Yeah, neighbor boy... :D
Still want that pork chop recipe...
Yes! I think it's burp boy. I hope you find him!! Put on your superhero saving cloak and find him. We'll all be back up. :D
Wow. That poster must have taken you forever!!
Get the million bucks from Edwards accounts and do n't make any yummy dinners until he is returned. Of course, you can't do that if he is making the dinners with you.
Oh, NOOOO!!!
I hate to see ANYONE tortured by fire...especially someone who's such a doll.
Nooooo!!!
I blame burping neighbor boy.
Oh no, my Pocket Edward isn't leaving my pocket anymore!
This is just awful :(
Lauren, you must rush out a get a Pocket Alice. She will be able to tell you what happens!! DUH!
Oi, you must be so distraught. Maybe you could hold a fundraiser for the ransom. Set up a paypal account or something?
LOL at Marianne's comment..
Too funny.
MMM. Those Pork chops look yummo. Recipe please??
It makes my heart sad to see him hanging over that fire? How can this be? He is stronger than that binding that's holding him!!!
OH! NO! Who would do that!!!
I vote on getting the Pocket Alice.. she'll know what to do!
Sadness! poor Pocket Edward. I hope you get him back soon!
Lauren,
I am new to your "busy" blog and so far, let me just say, that I am loving it. You are fantab.
I'm absolutely devastated to hear about Pocket Edward, but I'm going to have to join the Belching Boy Bandwagon. Hope it's not, but I think it is. Anyway, can't wait for more!
Lauren, my heart goes out to you..
As a private detective "spy girl", I can give you help:
1. Look for clues, i mean REALLY look at the pictures, scan and mark all about the images..
2. Inspect everything about the ransom note..pick out the letters and see where you would recognize them from (any ads you normally see). This will help so you can figure out what area they are from.
3. Also, the handwriting..
4. The vertical blinds look like your typical apartment blinds, so we got that done..
Let me know if you need any more help!!
This is a MAJOR emergency!!
I hope the people (or persons) realize who they are messing with and return him safely.
~Claudette from Cali.
your hilarious! I agree ice cream works wonders!! I hope you find him soon :)
That ransom note is teh awesome.
Those pork chops look yummy!
this is just far too tragic! my thoughts are with you;)
Hey, I think you're on to something here. Maybe you can ransom Pocket Edwards all over North America and pay off the national debt.
On the other hand, I don't think there are that many Pocket Edwards in the world. And yours is of course the special one.
Woman, you are too funny. I have a feeling the Tedward is to blame for this, yes. After all, who put P.E. in the oven?! Yeah, case closed, pretty much.
Check your e-mail cus I think I figured out your blog button dilemma.
Oh, and I heart your bed sheets! Purple is my new favorite color and I love the design. Where did you get them?!
Are you sure it wasn't TED? He has always hated Pocket Edward...
I can't believe there is an imposter Pocket Edward on Twitter. Obviously some people have no original thoughts of their own and feel they should steal those of others.
Pocket Edward is so awesome. Maybe it was the twitter person that stole him, they seem to have a habit of stealing things lately.
lauren. still loving your blog. yes, you may follow me..."follow, follow me." i posted about you today (check my blog) so then you might have a few more leads in the edward debacle. anyway, good luck!
I am new to your pocket Edward world and I am loving it.... you made a PERFECT post for my Birthday... but now I am super depressed that Edward is kidnapped.
So I am hoping my Birthday wish will come true and he will be returned safe and sound... no melting hair... his bouffant is FAB!
i love ice cream... did i mention how much i LOVE ice cream?! ooh, i love ice cream. *contented sigh*
must.. have.. porkchop.. recipe! That looks delicious! and I agree, ice cream is a miracle worker. i'll have to try the carb stuff, sounds sketch.. i hope edward is safe!
It was me. And after reading about how much everyone loves that plastic miniature I've decided to lower the ransom-$500,000 will do.
i still want the blindfolded pics made into wall art. i sound like a freak.
and i second lula i need that porkchop recipe lil e
*Gasp!*
Ha-ha-ha - I mean so sorry! There was something about those blindfolded pictures that made me think of slumdog millionaire. Maybe if Pocket Edward starts to talk his captives will let him go. Maybe they took him so he would share his recipes! I hope you get him back and that his hair isn't charred!
Wait! Isn't Pocket Edward immortal. I'll just bet he escapes with his super abilities and comes right back to you.
After all you are a doll!!!!!!!!!!
AHAHAHA I just started reading your blog. And eye em lyke in luuhve with it :] SPelling issues? Nope. Not eye.
;)
Dang. Is there a Pocket Bella? Perhaps you should find her--and pray her plastic Pocket Blood is still in her Pocket Body :]
What a tragedy!
If I were you, I'd look into the next-door burping machine. He may have been low on belching fuel and now plans to eat Pocket Edward.
That's just me though.
Good luck in finding him!
poor pocket Edward!!!!!!!!!! i hope who ever has him gives him back!
i hope you get him back soon! =(
lol! i love the pic of him hanging upsidedown. poor pocket edward.
Don't negotiate. Edward will die for the greater good.
I've been so consumed with myself that I totally missed the missing Pocket Edward.
That ain't right. It just ain't right.
Whereever he is, he's probably keeping company with my motivation to get dressed.
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