All you that believe in the magical powers of Facebook, or have have been caught in the snaggerly snares of it's addictive hold, know all about status updates...
For those that don't know about them (MOM), this definition of awesomeness is for you. At the top of your profile it will say, "Lauren Middle-Name Awesome is..." and you have an area to type in whatever you want. For instance, "Lauren Middle-Name Awesome is pooping."..."Lauren Middle-Name Awesome is cold because she forgot all her underwear were in the washing machine."..."Lauren Middle-Name Awesome hates that her middle name is Middle-Name." See? It's quite addicting.
Well, as of late, I have had some mysterious status updates, so I will provide you with explanations, because I am awesome. And nice. And bored. And because this blog post idea came to me in the shower...and I NEVER deny the shower-interventions. Without further ado, the status updates!
March 23, 2009 - 8:34 PM
Lauren Secrety Last Name...Pocket Edward for President 2012!
Best.idea.ever. Want to know why? Because it came to me in the shower. And I rushed to the computer to type it out. But this was all before he turned up missing....*sniff* :(
Best comment:
Samantha...I would love to be his secretary of state! I know what the enemies are thinking and can have their facebook passwords in 60 mins. haha
March 24, 2009 - 9:08 PM
Lauren Secrety Last Name...finds status updates on Facebook much more appealing than the fast-pace environment of Twitter.
Srsly. Have you been on twitter? It blows my mind. So fast pace! I literally go...HOLLLLLLD IT! And I am fast. In a non-scandalous way. Facebook...I love you long time. Anyway, if you want to check me out on twitter...don't be expecting anything amazing from me...because, well...I will be still trying to get my bearings of the world around me.
Best comment:
Lauren (me haha)...It took me about a month to understand it...but I still am a retard at it.
March 25, 2009 - 5:34 PM
Lauren Secrety Last Name...was making hard boiled eggs. While they were boiling, she watched Lost with Ted. After a while she said, "I think I smell the eggs! They must be done!" and Ted said, "No...I farted." the end.
Umm....story of my life. My name is Lauren, and my husband farts. And I feel sad that they smelt like delicious eggs. I feel sad that I salivated a bit when I smelt the fart, imagining egg salad being swallowed down my belly. Man...I feel sad all around.
Best comment:
Nikki...dislike this
Nikki...so do I, so do I.
March 26, 2009 - 5:47 PM
Lauren Secrety Last Name...cooking food for the hungry husband while working out. I know...
Is anyone surprised by this? I thought we had already established the fact that I own the title of super-human-awesome-person. Oh...I didn't tell you? Well, I own the title. Ok...really, this is how it goes down. I turn on the Biggest Loser DVD. I start it. I start dinner. I do some squats while stirring something...I run back to the DVD. I may eat a piece of chocolate here and there...and jump onto Facebook. I dunno. kthanxbye.
Best comment:
Sara...hmmm this could be misconstrude:)
March 27, 2009 - 5:32 PM
Lauren Secrety Last Name...sometimes feels famous...and then remembers "everyone poops".
Ever read that book? It is genius. It sure deflates my puffed up head. I mean...imagine this...Catherine Zeta Jones POOPING? I can't imagine it...but it is true. :)
Best comment:
Holly...i thought i was the only one!
March 30, 2009 - 8:08 AM
Lauren Secrety Last Name...had an in-grown hair in her armpit. It hurt like a mother. So Ted pulled it our with Tweezers. He then wanted me to find another one because it was "fun". sigh...
True story. I get these sicknast armpit hairs...probably because I use a rusty razor...because I hate shaving...and well..it makes for ingrown hairs that are apparently awesome to extrude.
Best comment:
Sarah...tedward is something else...
Now for the most mysterious of them all...
March 30, 2009 - 7:02PM
Lauren Secrety Last Name...thinks it's even better than before.
No, I am not talking about certain marital acts. I am talking about this...
Have you voted for a second time? No? Go here! (Lauren for Top Female Twilighter)
3.30.2009
status updates.
Labels: armpits, Edward Cullen, pocket edward, poop, Ted, Twilight
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48 awesomespice comments:
I voted for you!
lauren you are hilarious. I am sitting next to my husband and laughing out loud...and I know he is trying to ignore me, but really wants to know why I am laughing. he will never know...mwahahhaha! thanks for the laughs! =D
Wait, you do stuff while watching Lost? Seriously...I do not move during Lost. Except to text fellow Losties with messages such as, "OH MY STARS!" and "It's BEN, it's BEN!!!" and "Sawyer is hot."
You know, important stuff such as that.
p.s. We LOVE "Everybody Poops." I mean, how big a sourpuss can you be (Ahem--KStew--cough, cough) when we all know your shadoobie is stinky?!? For real.
SQUEEEEE!
i won best comment for 03/30 8:08am!!!!!
i feel famous because YOU'RE famous.
and your license plate makes me want to jealously drop kick you and steal it.
like i stole pocket edward.
muwahahahaaaaa.
My kids can never figure out what I'm laughing at but I know that it's your awesome funnyness. You need your own sit-com.
Well, that settles it--I was going to give twitter a try, but if it's too fast for you, there's no way I could do it.
Love the license plate--definitely YOU.
Even I laughed at "Facebook... I love you long time." And I hardly ever laugh.
love the plate
love you
love the FB updates
hugs
I believe Omar. He very rarely, if ever, types anything like "LOL" or "LMAO" or anything. No laughing for Omar.
I didn't know comments on your FB would/could be rated. I shall do better.
Love the new plate!
Ted and my Chad could be twins in many ways.. Chad is the same way with zits too... It's soo cool!
Whatever floats your boat.
I don't think Brad Pitt poops.
Apparently, I need to use Facebook more often.
Well I am so glad that you cleared that up. I was confused as to what was better than before, but too shy to ask. Yes I was. I know that you don't answer some innuendo questions and didn't want to cross the line again;)
"I love you long time." I am surprised you know this line from THAT song. Surely Lauren doesn't listen to such songs ;0
Very funny! I'm gonna have to become a facebooker!
Love the plate!!!
Oh, wow. That IS better than before. So does Nancy have the other on her car?
Yes, I voted 2x.
wait is that your liscense plate! that's awesome! I would totally vote for pocket edward for pres.
Your March 25th post had me laughing so hard!! I'm totally looking forward to married life :)
PS. I voted twice! :)
love the license plate. pretty sure we need to become facebooky friends so i can see your hilarious status updates!
you are the best! i loved this. and Everybody Poops....classic.
Oooo... love the license plate! :)
Facebook Status updates are fun! Twitter makes me crazy...
That is why you should checkout the awesomeness that is Plurk! :) (plurk.com) It's a status update type social network... but at your own pace. It basically rawks.
This cracks me up...and I just voted for you in the Dazzles. You're currently in the lead!
can edward poop? just askin...
hahahahahhahha
oh and remember when there was only myspace? crazy times right there....
hahaha LOVED THIS BLOG I WAS JUST NOW VOTE 1344 for YOU AGAINNN!!! I VOTE EVERYDAY AHAHA and I love that I was a favorite comment gooooo samantha haha
I concur with Kam-a-Lam. Plurk.com is way easier (and cuter - you can set your own Edward Cullen background and all) to use than Twitter. It lets you know which updates you've missed, and you can mark them all as read so you don't have to go through each one.
I love your facebook updates. So much better than the typical: (name) is online. (name) is going to bed. (name) is so mad right now.
(name) is lame.
I'm addicted to FB and other peoples status updates! my favorite part of this post was "And I am fast. In a non-scandalous way." It made me laugh so hard I almost peed!
I heart status updates as well, although mine are usually stupid, mundane things.
Lauren, I don't want to alarm you but your blog is playing music for me. Sweet, sweet love music. Just sayin.
I'm glad you've been reunited with that aspect of yourself!
hello friend it has been quite a while. I gave you my phone number in an email but you dont use it so its all your fault that I didn't get the bow making tea party thing invite because i never check my emails or get online. I apologize..its not your fault. I need to check my emails. Im just busy as a unicorn these days. lunch?!?
"...I think I smell eggs!..'No...I farted.'" Laughed my guts out! My husband farts a lot, too. He might just poop more than he farts...
You are so right! Never deny a shower intervention. That's so funny, I never realized I do my very best thinking in the shower!
On your last status, my first thought was totally the "certain marital acts" were better than before & I wanted to know your secret, but I wouldn't dare ask :)
** You'll totally win for Top Female Twilight blogger!
I'm voting again!
Marital acts...
hahahahaha
best day of my life. i birthed a 10 pound baby AND got voted best comment on Laurens blog.
*i can die now*
Your mom knows about status updates...duh.
I KNEW it would be better than before. I just KNEW it! :)
This is all still going over my head! Apparently I am not Facebook or Twitter literate. However, I am literate enough to know that I thinks you are a genius in the funny department.
I go vote for you especially if that is really your license plate. You deserve it.
Christina
love the license plate. wish our virginia plates were as pretty as arizona's.
The only part about status updates are the people who update like every 4 minutes to tell us what they are doing now. If your status update is funny. I like it. but if your status update is "So and so is eating cereal" and then 2 seconds later is says "so and so just got in their car". They have to much time on their hands and need serious help. YOUR status' always make me pee my pants.
p.s isnt it fun being married and having your husband do weird things for you. for instance, Zach made me hike the grand canyon which I have never forgiven him for, and the mole skin on the back of my heels actually melted onto my skin(yah, i know) well when I was getting into the shower i couldnt get it off so Zach had to cut off my blisters for me. it was dreadful. But thats love for you.
Since I have been secretly reading your blog and not commenting (sorry!)I have decided to give in to your demands that people comment. You are truly the funniest blogger out there. Thanks for all the laughs! I am anxiously awaiting the return of pocket Edward!
I don't even approach Twitter. I'm afraid of what it would do to my life.
I work with the mia maids as 1st counselor.. are you with the same group? It's SO fun, I love it!
Oh I'm sad you can't come! That was nice of you, you didn't need to still get him something :P
Totally! Let's watch it! When can you? My parents are in town this weekend till like april 10th so let's do it before or after that!
For some reason I do not know (okay, I do) I almost always end up laughing...OUT LOUD! when I read your blog. You're hilarious. You just seem to either have a fun and interesting life, or you find the fun and humor in every day things. Either way, FUN! :)
voted again. you are kickin' everyone's trash. i think the next person has like 10 votes. srsly. you have like 500...and then some.
I may have to sign up for Facebook status lessons from you. Mine are decidedly not good. Or ungood, as I say. Your awesomeness continues
Oh, but you do make me laugh! I absolutely love the facebook status where you remember "everyone poops".
Lauren, your status always make me laugh. And I'm loving your new plate!!
wish i could LIKE this blog post :D
ps dont you love it when i read/comment on 4 posts in a row?? i rule at reading blogs.
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