Have you ever had a peefection?
Otherwise known as..."Urinary Tract Infection"?
No? Mayhap I should school you in the ways of the peefection.
So, I am sitting on the sofa, watching me some good old "Gossip Girl" when I am like, "Zing! I have to pee something fierce!"...so I make a hop-skip-and-a-jump on over to the bano, all the while, unzipping my pants, as to achieve a speedy pee recovery. I had never experienced such an urge to pee before, in such a short time. It was at this moment, that I decided to ask forgiveness for always making fun of the old ladies in the Depends commercials: "I had the urge to urinate, and then I realized I already had pee on the floor". Umm...hi. I never believed that, until my recent travesty.
Anyhow, so I am sitting there, waiting for the explosion of pee to come, because surely it had to be an explosion...duh.
And nothing came...
And the painful urge remained.
I thought my body was playing a trick on me. I actually heard my brain laughing at me. It was humiliating, and awful.
And then...acid started to trickle out and I was like, "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa?" And then I started to sing "Jump! Shout! Let it all out! This is something I could live without! C'mon! I'm talking to pee, C'mon!" My friends. It was the worst experience of my life. I am pretty sure Ted was scared for his life when he heard me yelling, "Get out pee! Come out fast! Aaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhhh! What the crap!?!"
And then the tears came.
And Ted was like, "Why are you crying over pee?"
And I am like, "Have you ever peed fire? Because I don't think you have. All I know is this is you and your 'special hugs' fault."
So Ted leaves me.
It's true. Except he came back...with something in a grocery bag. But I was too busy to care, because I was laying on my death bed...writing out my will. I bet you want to know who I am leaving my Pocket Edward to, huh? Well...not you.
Anyway, so he hands me a cup and instructs me to drink. Being a good wife, I drink. My friends....Ted had offered me poison! I yell, "What is this?! Are you feeding me my fire pee to drink!?"
"No. It's cranberry juice."
The End.
PS...cranberry juice gets rid of peefections...apparently.
106 awesomespice comments:
First!
Ya i've had a UTI before, they freakin suck.
its true, cranberry juice works wonders. it makes you have to go to the bathroom alot. I usually get cran-raspberry juice tho. I got peefections all the time when I was little.
You wanna knock that UTI out of the park, because it can travel upwards & turn into a kidney infection. Those really suck - stabbing pain so bad you can't move.
Oh man! I have been there! All you can do is laugh...or cry! Thanks for your comical take on a miserable experience!
We were smart and took cranberry juice on our Honeymoon! That's probably too much info isn't it. But those frequent special hugs demand it. Keep some in your food storage. Especially since you are still newleyweds. :-)
I have peed fire before and it is horrible. Props to Ted for knowing about the Cranberry juice. Not everyone knows that. You have a good man.
The donkey mama knows a heck of a lot more than the donkey son! ;)
After your "special hugs" make sure you always go to the bathroom -it helps! Also, go to the doctor because cranberry juice is used more to prevent UTIs not treat them. I'd say the doctor is a must because it can turn into a kidney infection if not treated.
If you go to Walgreens they sell Cystex which keeps it from getting worse until you can go to the doctor. They also sell some numbing stuff (can't remember the name right now) in the same aisle as Cystex that will make the burning go away.
Hope you feel better soon! :)
yes. UTI's hurt like no other!! I had one after I gave birth, and it spread up to my kidney and gave me a kidney infection. that was fun! you may need to get a prescription for some stuff that coats the lining of your pee tubes so it won't burn....but it makes your pee orange-red
the picture did not work. however, I have one on my cellphone from an earlier text that i will cherish
Like the other's said, the peefection really sucks. But as somebody else mentioned you may need to go get a prescription for antibiotics to clear it up totally. They sell the UTI pain meds over the counter though to give you relief now, it's by a company called Uristat and is on the same isle as the feminine products. Since I seem to get them a lot, even after four years of marriage, I drink cranberry juice everyday and also take a cranberry supplement (also by Uristat and in that same isle) just in case. Oh yeah and peeing after your special hugs is totally key!
Hope the fire burning stops ASAP!
Cranberry is awesome at preventing but you may need an antibiotic to rid the infection! They have cranberry pills if you don't like the juice - take one every day with your vitamins and you should be able to prevent in the future!
Hope you're feeling better soon; there's not much worse than a "peefection!"
This is true...The Mama Face is the one to educate Ted in the Cranberry's healing powers. Ted doesn't know things. Psh...
UTI is the worst! Had to deal with that for a while, because I never went to a doctor to get antibiotics, I only drank lots and lots of some special tea and hoped for it to go away by itself. It was ok for a little while, but every two weeks or so it came back...and not because of special hugs. So you really should get some antibiotics if you want to be able to pee normally again soon. Taking a bath (but no bath additive) and a hot-water bottle also always helped me a little.
And those cranberry pills that Michelle mentioned are great to prevent a UTI in the future.
I hope you feel better soon!
What a nice husband to go get the juice and a nice Mama Face for telling him what to do. That peefection business is no fun dude. One time I had one and kept going to the bathroom like ten times and finally on one of my trips back out of bed to the bathroom, my sweet husband rolled over and said "You should just put on a pad and then sneeze a couple times and you will be all better!" Ha! I laughed so hard. If only that would work and wouldn't be so gross. Although I'm sure Depends would be a more convenient option that running to the bathroom every ten seconds only to release one drop of pee, I refuse to wear or do anything like that until I am at least 50. Or maybe older....Anywho, hope you feel better soon.
Thank you for sharing this. It takes a lot of courage to admit when one is having trouble peeing. Good thing Ted knew what to do because I probably would have kept crying, dehydrating further into death. For sure.
=] Hope you feel better!!!!!! And a big F.U. to Peefections everywhere!
Good luck with the cranberry juice! You're hubby is very wise... :-)
It's true!!
And I am very sorry. There is nothing worse than that...not even childbirth!!
I've had one UTI in my life. As as result, I drink cranberry juice regularly as a preventative measure. You know, cuz I never want to pee fire acid ever again.
Well, I retract my comment about Ted being smart. Nancy Face is smart. :)
Ted, however, is a good listener.
Lauren this comment is urgent!!!!
Last year I had a that got me put in the hospital for a week! It was a UTI That lead to a kidney infection all because instead of getting antibiotics for it i got cranberry juice and so i thought i was cured. My doctor at the hospital told me something very important, cranberry juice DOES NOT CURE IT! It only makes the pain go away temporarily, So Get yourself to the doctor to get some meds seriously take it from me. You dont wanna end up in the hostital for a week. It was the worst pain ever!!!!
aw what a sweet husband.
Here's what I meant to say, Cranberry juice prevents it if you dont have it, but it doesnt cure it
I hurt just thinking about it! Make sure you head to the Dr. if it doesn't feel better today cause it can get worse with out antibiotics sometimes. No bueno!
You're lucky Nancyface is so wise! My mom was like "Que es eso!?" Apparently in Mexico they don't get peefections...yeah right. haha!
ahhhh...this is not the kind of post that I want to read.
i have NOT yet had a UTI...but I am surely awaiting the inevitable.
as I'm newly married (2 weeks tomorrow) I have just recently begun to receive "special hugs" from my husband. which are great, might i add. but i know that a peefection is somewhere lurking in my near future.
ahhh cranberry juice...
hope you feel better soon!
You have a very sweet husband indeed! (And a great mama for helping him along). Ditto to everything above...you'll need antibiotics to get rid of it for good. The cranberry juice + peeing after all future "special hugs" will probably prevent it from happening again. Oh, and just FYI: some antibiotics interfere with BC if you're on the pill (which I seem to remember you might not be anymore, but just in case).
I had that before, once in college, horrible ridiculous painfulness. Apparently it's well known in my family that when the women get pregnant they have them non-stop. So not looking forward to that.
Ugh, dealt with those my whole life. The worst was on the honey moon. NOT FUN.
My dr told me to stop taking baths (when I had the UTI) cut back your sugar intake to the bare minimum. Stop eatin breads (dont know why but it worked!) And keep up the fluid intake! If you are drinking cranberry juice, make sure it is ONLY cranberry juice, not sugared up stuff or it wont work anyway.
Good luck!!!
I love how you express yourself! I can totally relate to your peefection. Your lucky your husband is peefection savy.
Poor Poor you! UTI's are Miserable! GO Tedward for thinkin on his feet! My two year old had one.....that's no bueno! I hope you get to feeling way better like...now!
I got them all the time when we stopped using "protection".Worst ever!! I think Im allergic to little swimmers because I never got one while we were using protection. ha ha. Can you be allergic to little swimmers? I would just tell Zach I was. I tried cranberry juice but it never really got rid of the infection. It would just hide the symptoms so i would stop drinking it and it would come back. Call the OBGYN and have them order a prescription for you. Its way better than drinking cranberry juice for the rest of you life.
Oh that sounds miserable! But good Tedward, and very good Mama for teaching him.
I hope you're feeling completely better soon! ((Hugs))
I am now dreading any future UTI's. Eeek. :/
oh no! isn't that why you're supposed to pee after "special hugs?"
Holy ouch!! Peefections hurt SO bad...I seriously had chronic UTI's for like a year (and no there were no "special hugs" involved!! My urologist said he sees a lot of young (20-25) women who are developing chronic UTI's for a few years and then they just stop!! SO he gave me Nitrofur which was a daily antibiotic to prevent any future UTI's; I took the meds daily for like two years and then finally they went away!!
Good luck!! Hopefully the fire dies down soon my dear...and I did not find cranberry juice helpful!! But def make sure to pee after every single "special hug"!!!
Yes, you can be allergic to swimmers, but that's probably not what's causing the UTIs. It's rare to have an actually allergy to special hugs. Poor people who do! Anyway, they're more common after you start participating in special hugs and even more common after having a baby.
I have had the Pee of Fire!!
I agree with a couple of things people have said.
After your "Special Hugs" make sure you go to the bathroom. This is usually what causes the POF over time.
Cranberry juice can prevent and curb symptoms but if you truly have a Urinary Tract infection you will need antibiotics because it can travel up into your kidneys and that is bad news. So keep and eye on it (so to speak!).
I had a UTI twice. Once when I was pregnant with Taj and I actually had blood in my pee. Sei called the MALE nurse at the jail where he worked. I was so embarrassed when I saw that guy in person...
I had another after I had Livie. My freakin' kidneys were hurting. They suck so so so bad.
Did the cranberry juice actually cure it or??? I've always had a prescription. I knew the juice was suppose to help, just didn't know how much.
whitney, you can be allergic to the swimmers, but i think there's like 5 people in the world that are allergic to them. and i don't think it's all swimmers, it's just happens to be the person you chose to.. "hug"... so the chances are very rare!
uti's are horrible! but lauren, just wait til you are pregnant, and even after, you will always have the urge to pee! and sometimes it might come out on accident when you laugh... or sneeze... or jump.. have fun!
I'm so sorry,those are awful! Always remember to pee after special hugging. I hope the acid pee stays away.
Haha, JandLPalmer! That is so true. I never knew pee troubles until I got pregnant. Then I was all worried because my life became all about where I could go pee.
i realise it's all been said but peeing after 'special hugs' is important and cranberry juice is supposed to help keep it at bay, though does anyone actually know why? a quick google could probably tell me...
hope you're feeling better.
wow apparently cranberries reverse the formation of plaque and has cholesterol lowering benefits aswell.
1 word: antibioticos
6 words: pee within one hour of hugs
Cranberry Pills are awesome!!!! AZO is the best brand I have found...and I like to think I am a peefection expert...
On second thought...what a horrible thing to be an expert about!
http://www.azoproducts.com/
hilarious!!!!
Ditto to what everyone said about peeing after, antibiotics, 100% juice cranberry, etc. But I'm also going to add one more thing that may fall under the category of too much information, but whatever. My OBGYN told me that women get UTI's more often when we're prego because we don't completely empty our bladders. Why that happens when you're pregnant, I have no idea. But take your time when you pee - get it all out! :)
Ugh!! I totally know how you feel... I had constant UTI's for the first 5 months we were married. No joke. Definitely have to pee after your "special hugs" like everyone else says and I took constant cranberry pills to help prevent. Antibiotics are the real cure but if you don't wanna go to the doctor I took these pills my grandma told me to buy at any grocery store. They helped to take away the burning and constant pee feel. It is called AZO Standard or something like that. I am sorry!! I layed awake many many nights in pain with these!! They are the WORST!!
It's been a LONG time since I've had a UTI, and thankfully I haven't had once since being married. I would be mad at the special hugs as well. :P Drink up all the cranberry juice you can!!
never had one, never hope to. good luck with the cranberry juice.
You have my sympathy. Along with all the other good advice you have gotten, I would add that you should be drinking plenty of water. My Doc told me that usually drinking a lot of water will usually prevent them as "Still waters attract bugs." His words...not mine.
Agree with Andi above, preggo = more UTI's. :) Never had one (that I knew of) in 3 years of marriage but once preggers, BOOM. Got 2 in a row. Thankfully no Fire Pee or any other symptoms but I would definitely go see a doctor to get meds to treat. Like others have mentioned, cranberries are excellente for prevention, not really for curing.
P.S. I too HATE ABSOLUTELY LOATHE cranberry juice so I just take a cranberry pill every day. Much easier. :)
I have never been blessed with a "peefection"(knock on wood). But I am sorry, and cranberry jice does help (or so I have heard).
Good Luck!
hahaha!
But seriously, sorry you had to go through that. I have had a few "peefection"s. One when I was pregnant. I had such bad cramps that I thought I was in labor and rushed to the hospital. Turned out the infection had spread to my kidneys. And, after now having experienced real labor, I can tell you the "peefection" was worse!
Had many of those in my early years of marriage. I learned to go pee after special hugs to prevent peefections.
So sad that you have one. They are awful.
That was the greastest story ever! And yes I have had one and yes cranberry juice works.
yeah i got one of those right after my wedding night! WEEHOO!
not.
I get one every couple weekes...its awesome. Cystex works great...and the other kind of numbing pill is called AZO. But beware...the AZO makes your peewee bright orange and it has the potential to permanently stain your toilet so flush fast! Every married woman should know about AZO. My sister-in-law is getting married next week and guess what she got in her honeymoon kit -- cranberry pills and AZO! Yay! I hate UTIs especially since they are NOT my fault!!!
They are not fun. Lots of water and cranberry juice does help. But, you should see a doctor.
Be sure and urinate after the special hug--it will help in the future.
Oh no!! Sorry about your peefection experience! :( But i totally understand that horrific IVE GOTTA PEE NOWWWW!!! feeling.. I've been trying to be 'healthy' and drink a ton of water during the day and of course the baño calls me a whole lot! like yesterday I was at safeway with a guyfriend and I had to killer pee! and i couldnt find it anywhere.. went around the whole store walkin slowly to make sure it stays in and the finally asked someone and sure enough the bathroom was right next to where i started my pee hunt in the first place. boo hoo.. ugh just thinking of peeing i've kinda gotta go now.. laters!
oh btw... before i run to the bathroom... michael jackson died!!?!
Um funniest/grossest/most painful sounding thing ever!!!
Love ya girl!
I work for 2 AWESOME Urologic specialists. I can hook you up.
We get a slew of women with UTI's in the office. Now I know what they are going thru! Feel better girl!
...adding this to the list of things I'm telling my children could happen because of those dang "special hugs"
You poor precious thing.
oh man i HATE peefections!!! with a passion. they make me miserable! if you dont like cranberry juice, you can buy cranberry pills in the vitamin section. but yes, do make sure to pee right after the "special hugs" it helps keep you UTI free.
umm this "Have you ever peed fire? Because I don't think you have. All I know is this is you and your 'special hugs' fault." is my fav lauren quote. ever. <3 sorry you had a "peefection" :( no fun
I totally heart you! Vodka also helps with peefections, so mix a little of that with your cranberry juice, throw in a lime (and a dash of OJ if you are feeling extra special) and enjoy drinking your pain away.
There is NOTHING fun about those stupid dreaded peefections! So sorry :(
weird that I'm experiencing that EXACT same travesty today :( No fun at ALL!
only mine is also a kidney and bladder infection but my boyfriend also was alarmed when I screamed while attempting to pee. YIKES!
Wow. That sucks. I'm really sorry about that. I don't know if you've heard about this, but go to this link
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They are giving away free paint! I just know you like to do lots of painting crafts and such, so I thought you'd like to know!
wow I'm sorry to hear of the acid pee. I hope you feel better soon & don't get another. So sweet of Ted to know to get you some cranberry juice though! Feel better!
ohhh my fetch. i've never had a peefection buuuut i almost pee'd my pants reading this. laughing, mind you.
:]
oooooommmyyyyyyygoshhhhhhh. i know how you feel! i had constant uti's for like 3 months! i say go get antibiotics, i didn;t think i needed pills and i think thats why i had them for forever. but really they kill it quick. and drink lots and lots of liquid (it makes you pee even more, but it gets rid of it faster) so so sorry, they are the worst!
Yes! The special hugs caused me a lot of peefections the first year of marriage! They suck so bad! I'm so sorry! I started taking cranberry pills even...and the doc prescribed me something for every time we had our 'special hugs'. It was great. Get better soon! But be happy that you made a lot of people smile over your description:).
Yes I have had a UTI before and it is one of the most horrid things in the world. Myself being a bit stubborn when comes to being sick (I hate going to the doc) became VERY sick and it was a trip to the ER, um hello.
So yes while cranberry juice will help clean out the system, just remember you may still need some antibiotics, I'm just sayin'.
P.S. I would never ask you to leave me Pocket Edward, well because I have one of my own =D.
The way to prevent a peefection is to go pee before and after ted gives you those 'special hugs'.
You are so funny Lauren! But UTI's are NOT fun... They suck... The Cranberry juice will help! Hope you feel better soon!
Yeah.. cranberry juice, that's what "they" say fixes em but I don't believe it. Gross.
I hope you feel better.
I got two while I was prego with Mark. I'd rather be in labor than try to pee fire again. Ouch. It hurts thinking about it!
Umm... hi.. there is another Lauren Nelson on here. Is that even possible? Weird. I though I was an original.
Hi new Lauren Nelson!
Ouch! Those are the worst! That darn Ted and his special hugs.... I hope you are feeling better!
I'm sorry you're peeing fire, however, you manage to be really hilarious at the same time. I'm not sure if that makes you feel better or not. :)
You NEED Antibiotics, it won't go away on it's own. Cranberry juice will help your bladder clear up the peefection faster but it won't treat it. There's also over the counter pills you can take for the pain. good luck.
I had my first UTI shortly after we were married, and I thought I was dying! I haven't had one since, but I still remember the pain.
Get better!
You do need antibiotics I second that motion, UTI's are caused for several different reasons, unclean "doing laundry" or "special hugs", holding your urine alot. I have had one UTI in my life and I would rather have 10 more kids than another one of those!
yes, that sucks!!!!!!!
Hope you feel better soon :)
Thankfully I have never experienced one; they sound so awful.
Peefection sounds way too much like "perfection" (instead of INfection) which that definitely wasn't. I've never had a UTI and now I REALLY hope I never do.
That stinks! I hope you are feeling better!
(another friend of mine got one at the same time as you.. weird)
Aww, Lauren - Hugs for you. Been there and I feel for you, dear. Drink your cranberry juice, it will help.
Cranberry Juice works. Hope you're all better. It's most likely Ted's fault.
Lauren, hope you're feeling better! Haven't been able to read your blog for a while....yeah, have I complained about my crappy internet before?
Take care!
OUCH! Ive had that once. and I cried. I understand your pee pain. pain in the pee.
anyway, I was told to drink Carnberry juice too. It helps a bit but eventually I just went to the doctor. Im impatient.
Hope you get better ASNAP!
Xk
That's kind of good to know actually. Cranberry Juice - got it.
ooohhhh the pain im feeling for you. no bueno. i've never had one, and now im going to be stocking up on cranberry juice.
loooovvvvee yoouuuuuu
You're right about one thing...
it IS Ted's fault. And his special hugs.
Hope you're better. I cherish my thumbs up pic of the cranberry juice. I really do.
p.s. I've never peed fire. Is it as bad as it sounds? You poor dear.
ummmmm, yuck?! I've never experienced that.... it sounds like that is a good thing. Get better soon.
That really sucks! I hope you feel better soon!
Totally had one a few weeks ago, ordered the prescription, never picked it up, it still will burn sometimes. Most horrible experience of my life. Take AZO pills and the AZO Cranberry tablets. PS- Straight up cranberry juice makes you want to die. I know.
laaauureeennn I love you so much it hurts!!! hahahahaha that song is stuck in my head now :D "I'm talking to pee, c'mon!" hahahahaha you're amazing :)
lol I'm here because of your all time favorites post, and this is HILARIOUS (in an "aw I'm sorry you were in pain" kind of way, of course!)
My little kitty has a UTI right now actually and I wish I could give her some cranberry juice to make her feel better!
Hahaha! so going to sing that song next time I have fire pee!:P
Thank you for writing this and sharing it on this dreary monday morning... HILARIOUS!
"Have you ever peed fire?!?!" hahahha oh dear heavens. please excuse my sides as they split open!!
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