This week's topic is about friends of the opposite sex...when you are married.
Some girls have no problem hanging out with their guy friends.
Some girls think their only guy friends should be within their own family.
Some girls think it's ok to text guys that aren't their husbands.
Some girls think they should only text their husband.
Growing up, I always related to guys better than girls.
I think it had something to do with girls being really vicious and mean.
{ugh...the teenage memories}
I tended to hang out with guys more than girls.
They were so chill, and if they had a problem, they would tell you straight up.
None of the "behind the back whispering" and crap.
However, the guys I hung out with, were also Ted's friends.
We all hung out together.
Before I share my opinion, I want to hear your thoughts...
Once you are married, do you think it is ok to still be in contact with your guy friends?
Is it ok to chat on Facebook?
Is it ok to text one another?
Is it ok to chat on the phone?
At what line would you consider it not ok?
Would you be ok with your husband texting or hanging with a girl?
Spill it :)
112 awesomespice comments:
First?
first? really? i'd better take advantage of this, huh?
my husband and i have a great relationship so after we got married it wasn't so hard to keep our friends. i think it's good to keep them. we didn't have many mutual friends (okay, maybe like 3), but i think the hardest thing is finding other couples that you both like. sometimes i'm friends with the wife and he's friends with the husband, but when we're all friends it's awesome.
also, we both facebook and are honest with each other about who is who and how we know them. plus, the computer is in a central place so that nothing is secretive. i think it's okay, so long as both of you communicate and aren't secretive. i would have to draw the line after that...secrets and not communicating or being open about it would raise flags.
i have to add that most of my friends are all married now, so it's a little easier to navigate. i think it would be harder if most of them were still single, especially girl friends of my husband's.
anyway, that's my take.
SCORE! I actually wrote a post about this a couple of years ago. I'm sure you'll receive A LOT more comments. lol
My old post:http://swampbrat.net/2006/10/04/how-close-is-too-close-discussion/
I personally think the only guy you need is your husband. Plain and simple. Yeah- you can have "couple" friends, but if you ever start considering yourself "friends" with the husband rather than the wife, something isn't right. I don't see a reason you'd need to talk on the phone, text, etc...
And HELL NO I wouldn't want Sei doing any of that with a girl. I would die. Of course, I have serious trust issues for reasons you would understand, but still- I don't think it's appropriate. There's a reason the church doesn't even want men and women riding to church meetings alone together.
I am not married obviously but I think its okay to have those friends still but you and your spouse should both be friends with them. But honestly I am not married so I don't know what is okay and what isn't but to me it would seem if you married your best friend then you wouldn't need to keep texting other guys/girls...but I am single what do I know?haha
PS. I have always gotten along with guys better too...
This is a subject that I struggled with a lot when I first got engaged. I had dealt with it for the most part by the time I got married, but it was difficult for a few months during the engagement.
I am a lot like you. I never really got along with girls. I always have had one or two really close girl friends, but not a whole group of them. All my friends were boys and I loved it. Jack and I met and starting dating seriously right away. Before we met I had become extremely close with several different guys and had a very flirty relationship with several of them.
Some of them I had to completely stop hanging out with because of the type of relationship we had always had. I did that on my own. Jack appreciated it, but I am sure he would never have told me to....at least when we were dating. A few of my guy friends I had been very close to for 6 or more years and that was a little bit different. A guy friend of mine had his engagement broken off while I was still engaged. We had been good friends for a long time so when that happened he came over and I made him dinner like I always had done and we talked about it. We just happened to be the only ones in the house. I thought nothing of it, but Jack was pretty upset. It took a long night of 'discussing' things to get me to understand.
OK that was a lot of explanation for me to just give my opinion. I don't think members of the opposite sex can be 'best' friends without things or feelings happening. Friends yes. I chose to make my guy friends that I considered my best friends just friends when I got married and it was a little bit of a life change. I still talk to them on facebook occasionally and when I see them at school or elsewhere we can sit and chat, but they are not my go-to people anymore. I think it is fine to stay in contact with people, but when you are married your marriage can only survive if each of you are relying on each other, and that is hard to do when you have another person outside the relationship that you go to with your problems.
Now that I have been married for a while and my life has changed so much from when I was single I have found that I rely so much on my female friends now. I crave the kind of communication that can only exist between two women. I find that I don't have very many things to talk about with guys and I actually relate better with women.
So for me I don't mind chatting on the internet, but I don't do it often. I don't like chatting on the phone. Hanging out with just them is simply not ok.
sparklers--at the firework stand. because busy bee lauren + sparklers = happy smiles.
ok so from experience I don't liek my husband texting other women. Of course he didn't tell me I happen to just come across it (ok I was snooping) and it stung. I don't know any of his friends b/c he's from AR and we live in FL. anyways, I didn't like it and I let him know how I felt too. Me personally, I think texting, hanging out, talkin on the phone are all ok as long as it's ok with the spouse. I don't like it therefore its not ok with me. Maybe if I knew them personally it wouldn't be a big deal but I don't so it is a big deal. However I have no problem with him talking to other girls online as long as he's willing to be honest and when i ask "who is she and hwo do you knwo her" he's willing to tell me.
But i just think it really depends on the people and hwo they feel about it to whether it would be right ro wrong.
This is such a sticky situation because what may be ok for some people is totally off limits for others.
Personally, I have friends on facebook of the opposite sex that I chat with and so does jeremy. Texting I'm a little "iffy" on. A text here and there is ok, but much more than that starts to get a little shady. As for hanging out, it should only be done if your spouse is with you. But that's just me.
oh i'm really glad you did this topic. it definately fits for me.
it depends on TRUST, WHO the person is and HOW often they're talking about. Recently some girl sent my guy a text and i had no idea who she was... he said he hadn't talked to her since high school but they went to school together since elementary school. Well she starts asking him to go out for ice cream alone... THAT is crossing the line.
i dont think any guy with a girlfriend or wife should confide in another girl... his wife/girlfriend should be his best girl friend... DUH!
i could go on forever about this topic and i'm really interested to see where it goes. i'll be back!
I think every couple decides what works best for them. I'm sure this would be a very frustrating topic to disagree on! Bryce and I both decided it was not appropriate to talk to friends of the opposite sex once we got married. We deleted our facebooks and a lot of numbers in our phones. You have to draw a line somewhere, and this way it's easy for us not to question our own boundaries. We agreed we don't need those realtionships now that we are married. We both found our best friend.
I think with this issue, as with most issues in marriage, honesty is the best policy. My husband and I both had friends of the opposite sex before we met and started dating. These friendships didn't disappear when we got engaged/married, but they did evolve. For instance, I've known one on my guy friends since we were 12. His friendship is very important to me, but our friendship has changed. He's made a huge effort to get to know and befriend my husband...and any time he's in town and wants to hang out, the invitation is always phrased as, "can I come see you and your husband." This friend knows that my husband is part of the deal now, and has been very respectful of that. I haven't seen him alone since being married; if my husband hasn't been there, other friends of ours from college have. In turn, I am always honest about where, when, etc I am with my husband, and he with me. That said, there are certainly friendships that have gone by the wayside for both of us--mainly b/c the friendships started with an interest in dating and we're not comfortable with the history. Most of our opposite sex friends now are couple friends, or for me, my brothers-in-law who absolutely treat me like a sister.
I think things are best when they are mutual friends. Anything else can (quickly) cross the line... even if you are an innocent party, the friend of the opposite sex may think differently.
I think that it's okay to stay in contact with friends of the opposite sex, but when you're talking to them like you would your spouse, that might be going a little far. If you're doing it behind your spouse's back, there's definitely a problem. For the most part, if your significant other isn't bothered, then it should be O.K.
If you were friends before you got married, then I don't see anything wrong with it...My husband has a girl friend that he has been close with long before he met me...at 1st it bothered me but after getting to know her, she has become a close friend of mine too and we all get along. I did have a guy friend whose wife obviously feels it all completely inappropriate b/c a few years back, I called him to wish him a freakin Happy Birthday and she flipped on me! Him and I had been friends long before he even met her so I was bothered by that but if that's how she feels then what can I do! I don't have any guy friends that I text but we do talk alot on Facebook but we also are all mutual friends.
i am not married. but i think it would bother me...UNLESS i knew the girl he was texting and she was both our friend :)
as for me texting other guys when i'm married....i will prob never feel the urge to do so. unless it is for something very important. i still want to keep in touch with my guy friends, but my husband is really the only guy i need to have a random converstation with whether it be on facebook, text, or phone.
Opposite sex friendships when married are more trouble than they are worth. It provides an opportunity (however unlikely) for infidelity (both physical and emotional), it hurts the person you should care most about, and carries a high potential of damaging your relationship. If you are willing to risk all that for some guy friend... well that's not a marriage I would want any part of.
I´m married and we were friends before being married, we still friends.
About the FB/chat/phone/hang out thing, we haven´t secrets. We use to talk all ALL specially about people we met on internet or about the conversations (many of my friend being his friend also).
We have very clear wich are the limits and over all of this, we love each other so deep that I can´t think in another way or person that my husband and I´m so positive that the think like me.
Nice post as always.
Love, Salo.-
uh... Zach and I dont really keep in contact with friends from the opposite sex. When one of my highschool friends came home from his mission I wanted to go to his homecoming so bad. But i didnt think it was appropriate is Zach wouldnt come with me. Needless to say we didnt end up going. We both have facebook but Zach keeps his chat turned off and I dont really use it. As for texting... no not allowed. But if you see these old friends there is nothing wrong with being polite.
Before I got married all I had was guy friends. All my best friends were guys and I almost feel sad I had to leave them but the truth is my husband is my best friend now. My old guy friends are still friends. If I ever hang out with them (which is not very often) I always have my husband with me. It is NOT ok to hang out with members of the opposite sex alone when you are married. I don't care how strong you think you are, it will most definitely always cause contention within a marriage.
My husband is the opposite of me. Most of his high school friends were girls. I am ok with him keeping in contact with them. I don't feel threatened because he always talks to me about it and never keeps secrets. If he ever hangs out with them, I am always there.
It works for us.
I have always gotten along with guys better too...and when I got married most of my guy friends lived in AZ so I didn't have the option of still hanging out. I did make friends with them on facebook and exchanged messages and things like that, and my husband never ever said that he minded. I was also friends with a few exboyfriends on FB and he didn't seem mind that either. But then I thought...what if HE were talking and texting all of his exgirlfriends and girls he dated. Oh man, he would be in soooo much trouble! So I purged my friend list. I pretty much only kept a couple married guy friends and a select few of the single guy friends that I never kissed or had relationships with. I think Hubs felt much happier about that.
I have met up with a few old, wonderful guy friends here at BYU and they have wanted to go to lunch with me to catch up. So I agree and ask them when a good time would be to do a double date so that my husband can go along. I think it would be inappropriate for me to meet with them alone.
Hubs trusts me and I trust him, but think about it...is it good to become really good friends with anybody besides your spouse? I think your husband should be your number one bestie. It is important for girls to have other friends to get pedicures with and stuff and to vent and for emotional eating...but you spouse should be your go to person. When we got married we talked about "what is cheating" and both of us felt like there could be such thing as emotional cheating. If you are confiding and being emotionally intimate with someone other than your spouse (of either sex) than I think that you are cheating in a way. I mean, technically, you could emotionally cheat on your husband with your mom if you are choosing her over him. It is ok to have friends, but don't neglect and ignore your spouse. And ask your husband what the line is. Respect his needs and wishes if he feels uncomfortable with you hanging out alone with an umarried guy friend. Some husbands are overbearing and jealous...but I don't think its unreasonable for your husband to ask you not to hang out with male friends without him around.
Hmmm. I would say no to chatting, no to texting, no to phone calls. I would say yes, to emails that were to an email address shared by both husband and wife. Yes to Christmas or Birthday cards. Yes to facebook friends if it is limited to basic wall comments that are open to all their friends. Yes to hanging out, ONLY if it is hanging out with the husband AND the wife.
For instance. After I got married and moved away, when I would come home to visit I had a guy pal that would want to get together. That would only happen if both my husband and I went. Some people might say it's okay if you meet them in public, but I say it's crossing a line unless your bring your spouse along with you.
Boundaries are good. People might think it's not a big deal, but it can turn into one, so why risk it?
I like you have always got along better with guys better then girls. So I had a lot more guy friends. I still stay in contact with most of my guy friends. I talk to them either over text, im, facebook, ect.
There is a line there. I always think about it now that I am married. I would never hang out alone intentionally with a guy. I just don't even want that temptation for either of us.
I would be okay with my husband texting and hanging out with a girl if I knew her well enough to trust her, and most of all if they were not going to be alone. I trust my husband with all of my heart. I know that he would never do anything to hurt me. I would never completely trust the girl though.
My husband and I never really hang out alone with the opposite sex. Whenever we are hanging with friends, we're together.
Oooh this can be a tough one! I am the same way (get along with guys better than girls) so I have a lot of male friends. However, I am not married so I can only come at you from a girlfriend/boyfriend point of view. It is okay to have friends of the opposite sex as long as in your heart you KNOW they are only friends. In the past there have been friends that I have had to leave by the wayside because I knew they had other feelings for me. The same for my boyfriend...if I get a weird vide from a female friend of his...she is out!!
However, I don't think that texting constantly or chatting online is necessary once married. If it is something you need to talk about call him on the phone or meet up...the texting makes me feel weird! lol
I still have some guy friends, but I don't hang out with them unless Hubs is with us, just because of the way it looks. I have one guy friend who I e-mail, but DH is free to read those e-mails at any time he chooses. We do not keep e-mails private between us. I'm on facebook and Hubs is not, but he also has access to my facebook page and can read it anytime he want.
As long as Hubs knows about it and is okay with it, I keep in contact with them. I don't talk to them on the phone much. Hubs has some friends who a girls who e-mail him occasionally and he tells me when he talks to him. I would never hang out with guy friends without Hubs present. That's just the way it is. When I got married, I left that behind. I always had guy friends growing up, too. Girls are freaky scary and mean.
If you are doing something that you wouldn't want your significant other to find out about, even if it's innocent, then you're crossing the line.
I wanted to add that the guy friend that I do e-mail is an old friend of both of ours from college. He asks me advice about girls, so he's not hitting on me or anything.
All but one of my close friends were guys. I say were because it changed when we married. Now my husband is my closest friend and I've had to adapt and learn how to make nice with girl friends. Talk about a steep learning curve.
There are a couple women I would have no problem with my husband chatting with - but that's only because they are like sisters to him. Anyone else? Back off.
What's the big deal? So you have a friend who's a guy. Keep everything on the up and up, and it's all good.
Sara hit it right on the button with this:
If you are doing something that you wouldn't want your significant other to find out about, even if it's innocent, then you're crossing the line.
That's the essence of the issue right there . . . couldn't have said it any better . . . so I won't! ;)
when married, I think communication with your friends of the oposite sex should be informational only (in txts, calls, online chats, emails) unless it is public like on the FB wall, or having a convo when others are present.
I dunno, that just seems right to me and that is how I work things with my friends' husbands and boyfriends. Nothing private. Works for me!
oh and by "informational" i mean stuff like "we will pick u up at 4, are you bringing dessert?" not full on back and forth convos.
Lauren, I'm finding a theme with your "What do you think?" posts: The answer always comes down to "Why are you doing WHAT you're doing?" Are you texting that person because you're sending them a "Hubby and I are running late - we'll meet you at the theater!" message, or a "Hubby is gone for the weekend - I'll meet you at the theater." mesage? That goes for each and every text, email, chat, etc. We all know the stories of people that started a friendship innocently enough, but through a series of wrong choices it became something more. If we understand our reasons behind what we're doing before we do them -each.and.every.time, we can make better choices.
Philosophy aside, this particular question is best answered between you and your spouse. What works for one couple doesn't always work for another. For someone who has been cheated on before, I'm sure they wouldn't do well if their spouse did some of those things. For someone with a solid relationship, those things may not be a big deal. For people in between those situations, email may be ok, but texting may not. This is a trust issue, and the two individuals involved need to decide it together.
And just like your "leggings" question, people who aren't involved in the decision need to not judge those who act on those decisions.
Very interesting conversation....now for my 2 cents.
I think it is ok to a point. I believe that if you are doing anything more than talking... ie hanging out, calling each other etc. Than you and your husband needs to be this guys friend.
I have some guys that I work with that I talk to when I am at work, or if I run into them at a store or something during the weekend I will talk to them, but I don't call them or hang out or anything like that outide of a business setting.
I have a few guys friends, but they are also my husbands friends. I would only hang out alone with them if I was waiting for their wife to get home or something like that.
You just can't be too careful if you know what i mean.
I have ALWAYS gotten along better with girls. School, church, work, etc. I give myself this guideline:
I always put more energy into my relationship with nat over ANY other relationship.
That, and complete openness (including passwords), are how I roll.
Personally I would say no. Once you start the texting and phone calls that is crossing the line. Deric and I have plenty of couple of friends, and I think that is the best way. It's not that I don't trust my husband talking to other girls, or he doesn't trust me....you just can't trust the other person. However when I bump into old friends, I'll chat a minute with them, and move on. It's fun to see my old friends, I just think once your married you shouldn't be talking on the phone, hanging out, or texting. Everyone (well hopefully) married their best friend... and thats all I need. I sure love my girls nights though :).
I must be stubborn or something because I insist on commenting even though none of these debates really apply to me.
I am single. Ugh. I don't know how I'll feel once I'm in a serious relationship or married, but I do tend to be a teensy bit jealous so it would depend on the girl and my husbands relationship with her. Long time best friends? I would never ask him to give a best friend up, but I would demand honesty and I would hope she would be a good person and want to know me too.
I just can't help but think of the other person/factor in this equation. We're all talking about how the husband and wife feel, but what about the friend? I understand everyone's point about changing the relationship, but to get rid of a good friend completely? I would be very hurt if one of my good guy friends just deleted me from his life completely 'cause he got married. I also probably wouldn't think very much of a wife who made him do it. Granted, I would want to know both of them and expand the friendship to include the significant other, but if the wife just immediately insisted I get gone that would feel very wrong and untrusting to me.
I will take one more side, though, and say that if I had a guy friend that I had feelings for (at any point) get married I would back off on my own...for my own sake, and theirs. Who wants to put themselves through taking to someone they had feelings for but can never be with?
So I guess the point is if I had a friend who was STRICTLY a friend I would still want to be allowed to be part of their life and hopefully their spouse's too.
One more thing: I realize once I'm actually in a position to comment on this debate (ie: married or seriously dating), I'll probably eat my words. I'm like that. ;)
Ok I'm not married yet but I think married people are perfectly allowed to text/chat/talk to friends of the opposite sex. Although if there's some sort of history on either end I don't know if it'd be the best idea to HANG OUT with them.
I have a couple guy friends that I will continue to talk to after I'm married but hanging out will probably only happen with my husband there or with a big group of people. But I think it's ok as long as there's no feelings on either end.
I'm only able to read a couple of the other comments right now, but girl, I've got an opinion on everything so watch out :)
I had a large group of guy friends, no girls, when I met my hubby. We have no mutual friends prior to being married, so I didn't feel it was appropriate at all for me to keep texting & all after I was hitched. Those guys were like brothers to me, so when I got on facebook a year ago & was reconnected with some of them I was so excited & hubby didnt mind. One night one of them started chatting with me, which hubs was next to me, so it was okay. Weeell, shortly into our little convo, this guy started saying things about how he used to be secretly in love with me, yada yada yada & speaking inappropriately. I just had to stop that & learned that there was just not room in a marriage for any outside stuff. We have couples that we're close with, my hubby talks to my BFF on the phone regularily & I don't give it a second thought, but personal texts and if they ever hung out without me THAT would be weird to me. I have had a couple other instances on facebook that were just not okay, so I don't talk to any other guys on there, no matter how close we used to be.
I don't care at all when my hubby chats with my girlfriends, but if it was a girl I didn't know, that would not roll with me.
K, forever long comment. SOrry.
PS. So weird that I'm in Mesa & we're not hanging out!
What is a marriage if it is not based on trust? I think it's sad to have to set rules & boundaries of what your spouse can & can't do. If they are going to cheat it doesn't matter who you 'allow' them to text/chat/e-mail with. Those rules are just set in place so you can feel a false sense of control. That's not a real relationship. This is just further proof that marriage has become so under-rated and watered down. If you are not mature enough to trust your spouse then you have no right to get married.
I had tons of guy friends in high school/college. We all kept in touch via email, chats, texts, all that. Then I met my husband, and I didn't feel a "need" to have constant contact with any of my guy friends. My husband became my bestestestest friend in the entire world. Sure, when big things happen my guy friends and I will share the news. Weddings, babies, stuff like that. But to just chat it up with them? Not so much. I will admit to having ONE single guy friend that I talk to more often than the rest (more often = like once or twice every three months or so), but it's always about girl problems. So I don't feel like that counts.
P.S. There's an article in the August 1981 Ensign that totally relates to this topic. Check out LDS.org, Ensign > 1981 > August > "Keeping the Marriage Covenant".
oh crap I just read my comment over, half of it doesn't make sense. Dang kiddies pulling at my legs. kidding kidding. kind of.
i think....
facebook and other networks like that is fine as long as it doesn't become too often, or too frequent. Texting... no (but texting friends that you are couple-friends with, sure, but again, not on a regular basis)... hanging out... NO. Chat on the phone? only if it's about church or get-togethers that your husband will be at as well, and if their wife was not the one to answer the phone. If that makes sense. I think using common sense is a BIG key. If I weren't comfortable with Mark doing things that I am doing, then I wouldn't do them. simple as that! :o)
ok, I'm still single; but like you I have always gotten along with guys better. I have like one girlfriend who I can say that I trust.
The thing is my bestfriend is a guy and he is a homosexual, (so no way will there be feelings involved) . We've been bestfriends for years, and we're pretty much attached at the hip. I have it in my brain that if whoever wants to get involved with me doesn't accept him, then they don't accept me. He shouldn't ask me to give up my bestfriend; he's a very important part of my life.
Maybe I'm just stubborn, or maybe it's because I haven't found that person yet I don't know; but he's not someone that I will let go of so easily.
I forsee this being an issue sometime in the future :(
I'm married, and my wife has no problem at all with me hanging out with my guy friends.
I don't have a husband, so it's hard to say how I'd feel if I had a husband and he was texting or hanging out with a girl.
I guess I think it's OK to be friends but I don't know about all of the texting and chatting and such. I guess it's fine as long as a bold line is drawn. It should be up to the particular couple how they feel they should handle that one.
I don't think that there is a real reason to chat on the phone. I think that it is ok to occasionally facebook to see how your old guy friends are doing. I have really never texted a guy before besides my husband so I don't think that there is a real need for it.
Im totally with you on relating to guys more, girls are catty and viscious. I had a lot more guy friends that girlfriends. I still talk to some of mine, mostly ones that I have known since elementary school. I talk on the phone with them here and there, and we text when we can. I think the line is drawn when the two of you are just hanging out alone. I wouldnt care if my husband had girls that were friends, but I would want to know her to and I wouldnt want them hanging out alone or anything. Maybe thats insecure but I feel thats where the line is.
Most guys under 30 aren't mature enough to be a good friend. Hey, if the texting and talking is simple and pure, what's the big deal? If there are problems in the marriage then those friendships need to be backed off on.
Right. So, it's all a matter of relationship and situation. Every so often, I will text or facebook a guy friend. Mainly one guy who is my husbands old roommate that I've become friends with, and then a couple of others off and on, like when one of us is going to be around and we all want to get together. However, there is one friend who likes to call me every once in a while, but it's always for a purpose and he just tacks on a full conversation. :) At first my husband thought that was weird, but this kid is really a good brother figure for me. Or a stable priesthood holder I needed throughout high school. He's a friend I will always be in touch with in some form. But like I said, it's just usually when we're planning a get-together in each other's town.
Unless it's a little lunch for a quick catch-up, I don't think it's ok to be hanging out with guys friends without your husband. Or vice-versa. When my husband gets new female coworkers I always have to meet them. I don't know why, but I guess I just have to make sure that she's cool and not some slutty slut parading herself around the office. :) (though I doubt HIGHLY that his work would allow that.)
Um... Oh, Brian has a couple of friends that he'll get an email or facebook message from sometimes, but it's just usually a quick catch-up. Nowadays, we're mostly just friends with his old roommates and their wives.
I have a guy friend that I've known for about 11 years, and he's married as well. We still talk occasionally. We don't hang outby ourselves.
I don't know if I would be Ok with my husband making a new female friend. Someone that he knew before me? Fine.
I believe it depends on what the guys wife/girlfriend thinks and how secure she is in her relationship as to whether you can stay in touch or not. I have always gotten along with guys better and had one wonderful friend of 9 years until he got married. I was at the time involved with my now husband, but his wife thought her husband and I were much more than friends. He continued to talk to me without letting me know the issues she had. I continued to wonder why everytime I invited her to come to dinner with us or whatever we were doing she would never come. Well I found out what she thought and it caused big issues with my friend and I because she was spreading rumors about our relationship. Well needless to say the drama wasn't worth it, and I told him that I thought he needed to work on his relationship before our friendship. I hadn't spoken to him for over 3 years, until just recently. They are better now and she understands that we were always just friends, but its different now and will never be the same.
So long story even longer, as long as all the parties involved are secure, honest and trusting in their relationship you should be able to be friends with whomever you want. But unfortunately its not always the case. Until then if your Tedward is cool with it then talk away!
This one's easy for me...
Plain and simple, no close friends of the opposite sex.
There's always extenuating circumstances, however it's safest just not to have them.
Great question!
I am picky about this...
Okay to be friends with opposite sex if both husband and wife are friends with that person.
Okay to keep in touch with old guy friends before marriage (if they were actual friends and not crushes or potential boyfriends). When I say keep in touch- I mean Christmas cards, chit chats when running into each other running errands, maybe friends on Facebook (although I don't know much about Facebook).
Not okay to text, email, or call anyone of the opposite sex. Just call their wife if you want to hang out as a couple or something. Like so many other people said, who needs guy friends if you are married to your favorite person.
I'm a goody-goody with all of your debates: no leggings, modest swimwear, no guy friends. Maybe I'll sound a bit more edgy with your next question? :)
Ok...this is a tough one. I've had to take some thought to this...I think it all depends on the relationship you have with your spouse probably as well as the people you are talking to. Personally I am not married...so yes I still text other guys besides my boyfriend. I like you have always gotten along so much better with guys. All my best friends in high school were guys so its hard for me not to still talk to them. However, when I'm married I know I will want that to change because I have been dating who I am currently dating for almost a year now...and I am to the point with him that him talking to other girls that I don't know makes me super jealous. I don't admit it but it does. So I think I would be ok with it if it was just a text here and there or a phone call that had an actual purpose to it would be ok. But not texting or chatting or calling just to talk. Don't think thats appropriate. I think its just smarter to stay away from that even if there is no harm. For me its just not worth it to risk having a spouse jealous or to lose his trust for talking to other guys.
Not okay. I know it could start out innocent but sometimes things could happen. So if you never put yourself in that position in the first place there will be no temptation. Some people have good intentions in the first place but satan is working hard these days and quite frankly he wins sometimes. I know a couple who all 4 were best friends. The 2 girls were bffs and so were the 2 guys. They thought it was okay for one wife to text the other husband and vice versa....well two of them had an affair with each other and they were ALL BEST FRIENDS. So my opinion is It is BEST to avoid any possibility of temptation!
Not okay. I know it could start out innocent but sometimes things could happen. So if you never put yourself in that position in the first place there will be no temptation. Some people have good intentions in the first place but satan is working hard these days and quite frankly he wins sometimes. I know a couple who all 4 were best friends. The 2 girls were bffs and so were the 2 guys. They thought it was okay for one wife to text the other husband and vice versa....well two of them had an affair with each other and they were ALL BEST FRIENDS. So my opinion is It is BEST to avoid any possibility of temptation!
Well, I've always related to guys better than girls also. In high school, I had very few girlfriends....but a LOT of guy friends. When I started dating my husband, a male friend of mine started to cross the line and became very inappropriate. My (now)husband was very uncomfortable, as was I, and I ended the friendship.
I know from experience that I do NOT like my husband texting and talking to other girls, unless they happen to be mutual friends. I still have guy friends, but most of them are guys that I've met through my husband.
This is a topic that I kind of struggle with. While I don't believe that one person should be able to dictate whom I talk to....I also believe in having respect for my husband, and not talkint to other guys if it makes him uncomfortable.
What are your thoughts, Lauren?
i talk to my guy friends all the time. i've had some of the same guy friends since i was little (like 2 years old) and some of them were in our wedding.. b/c they became close to my husband when we started dating. i think that, if they didn't become close to david, we would have drifted since my husband is the biggest part of my life. so sometimes i talk to my guy friends- i hug them hard, i love their wives, i cry at their weddings- i get annoyed when they come over late at night and i want to sleep.. and sometimes they'd rather talk to david than me.. and i'm happy... b/c we've merged our lives and that's how it's supposed to be!
Omar is awesome!!!
Ok, I had to add something. I was NOT a jealous, nervous wife until my 1st husband got a girlfriend. And I trusted him immensely. So, ladies, just be careful. TRUST does not always = FIDELITY. And you know, chicks flirt. They do. If I hung out with all guys I'd probably flirt because that's what I do. So I don't hang out with all guys. lol
This one is simple for me as well, I don't see any need for texting, calling, messaging other guys, and my husband feels the same when it comes to girls. We are each others bestest friends and that's the most important thing :)
I think that that you have your one and only friend of the opposite sex living in your house! You shouldn't need to keep in contact with other men/women. Besides the fact of not needing anyone else, thats how bad things happen! No one ever expects to have an affair or cross boundaries but it always has to start somewhere usually with them thinking that its harmless... texting, emailing, complaining etc. Your not in highschool anymore you should not need to confide in a whole bunch of people, You have your spouse, your bestfriend to do that! :) The adversary is to smart now and he wants in to your little family any way he can, I think just keep every temptation possible... away!
I haven't read everyone else's comments so I don't know if this was already said, but here it goes:
I think it depends on both person's feelings. A wife is suppose to honor and respect her husband. If he doesn't have a problem with her speaking to another guy, then it shouldn't be a problem.
A husband is suppose to prayerfully consider his wife's feelings so if she doesn't have a problem with him being friends with another woman, then it's ok.
On another note, I think if you don't trust your spouse to be friends with a person of the opposit sex, then you shouldn't be married to that person. I trust that my husband would not put himself in a position to be tempted by another woman. And vice versa.
Natalie Ann Ingram hit exactly what I was thinking about this. Great minds think alike, I guess. :) I too had a great group of guy friends before I was married. Changing our relationships and giving up my 'close' friendships with them was really hard at first. But it was the right thing to do. And although I'm not directly involved in their lives anymore, I still love to hear how they are doing. But neither my husband or I rely on those people the way we used to. I think if you even have to second guess or question your intentions or how your actions would appear to your spouse, then it's better just not to.
You're lucky to have mutual friends with Ted so it isn't weird to suddenly feel cut off from a bunch of your friends, although it seems to me you had a lot more girlfriends once high school was over. Anyway, the guy friends that were really close friends in high school I still keep in touch with. It is usually just a couple emails a year, but it is nice still knowing what they are doing. In the past year or two we have facebook so that is an even easier way to see what they are doing and in that venue sometimes I don't even have to contact them. Generally, email is my only contact with old guy friends. A few times, the guy from our best couple friends has called and Brandon hasn't been home and he and I end up chatting on the phone for 30 minutes. It doesn't seem weird at all but he's the only one I do that with. I've been in a healthy, happy marraige for almost 12 years and this seems to be a perfectly fine part of it. Brandon didn't really have girlfriends in high school so I don't deal with the other side of it though.
First I think it depends on the kind of friend that it was before you where married. If it is like your best friend I think it is still ok to talk with them via any way. I think that the hanging out should be scaled back to only hanging out when your husband is with you. If it is like an old boy friend that is totally not cool. No talking in private or anything like that. If my husband was talking to one of his old girl friends by any way I would be kinda jelouse and concerned. Not that I don't trust him just that sometimes things happen when you least expect it.
i totally think it ok.. and my hubby has no problem with it!!
My rule of thumb:
It's not about how much trust we have in each other. It's about never putting ourselves in a situation where we would HAVE to trust each other.
Facebook wall chats that are public? No problem. Facebook regular chat? Not on a regular basis. I did chat for a few minutes with a former missionary who was here, but it was an informational-type thing and I told my husband about it.
Private emails? I don't keep in contact much with my old guy friends anymore since I got married 10 years ago, so did they. But my husband has a good friend he knew in high school whom he stays in contact with. They email once in a blue moon to catch up and he tells me about it and I read the email if I want. Otherwise, no.
Phone calls and texts? A random "keep in touch" phone call with an old friend, I think that would be ok. But otherwise we don't do that. If you had a close guy friend and still want to talk to him once in a while, do it while your husband is in the room. Takes the chance of anything coming up that shouldn't clean away.
Hanging out with the person? Only with the hubs around.
So, review: Only allow yourself to be in a situation where there is no question about having to trust each other or not, because there's no risk. I trust my husband implicitly, and he trusts me. But we don't want there to even be the slightest chance of something ever to come between us. Some may say that it's old-fashioned, but like someone else said--there's a reason why we're not supposed to be alone with a member of the opposite sex, even driving to a meeting.
And that's my opinion after being married 10 years this September. :)
I have to leave my 2 bits on this one.
I think it is okay, within certain lines, to be friends with those of the opposite sex when your married.
When I married my husband, my best friend was a guy, and he ended up being the "mister of honor" at my wedding. I did have to make a few adjustment (such as what I will and will not talk about with him anymore), but it has really worked out great. Actually, now-a-days he spends more time hanging out with my hubby than me.
My husband also has friends that are girls that he was friends with before me. I'm fine with them hanging out, and all of us hanging out together.
I guess the kicker here is that we don't keep anything secret or "exclusive". We just all hang out together, and we're very open about our friendships.
Um now that I'm in a seriously relationship I totally have formed opinions on this. So glad this is the topic. i was just thinking about this the other day. I too always had more guy friends. I had/have my BFF girlfriends & other than that all my friends are guys. When I started dating Chase I changed that & I literally feel like I have no friends now because my BFFs are out of state & when I moved here & met mostly guys. I have no need to talk to any of them unless its for informational purposes (ex: a questions about something because of where they work etc). Now if I were married...that makes it even MORE of a reason why it shouldn't happen. I would not want my husband texting, chatting, e-mailing, etc other girls. It's not a trust or jealous factor I just think it's not healthy to be emotionally attached to old friends of the opposite sex. I think occassional, hi how are you doing types of contact via Facebook are ok if they are on the wall not a personal message. I don't see how texting or phone calls would ever be appropriate. and NEVER hanging out. I think marriage is a good time to move forward in life with the person you married & let go of past relationships/friendships of opposite sex. But if you run into them, being civil is a given. On the other hand, I've had guy friends who are married now call & text me wanting to hang out & I just ignore it because I don't think it's right. Even just as "friends". I have guy friends who are married now & I would never think to text, call, or ask to hang out with them. ok I could go on forever haha...I'm done.
Hmmm. I think this is something you really need to discuss with your spouse to set the perimeters you both are comfortable with. I agree with what many people have said that if is being done even some what secretly that is not okay.
I have old friends from high school that I keep in contact with through facebook, but that is about it.
I definitely don't think it is a good idea for a married person to hang out with someone of the opposite sex alone-that is just asking for trouble.
I don't think its ok to hang out with guys when you are married. Unless it is in a big group, obviously! But you just get too comfortable and even if nothing is happening, you don't want anything to look like it is happening. I actually knew a marriage that the husband liked to hang out with his girl "friends." and ended up keeping one of those "friends" as something more and that ended his marriage. Sad but its a slippery slope! I am opinionated, but i don't judge!
My two cents about it! :)
Regardless of when people become your friends, it is up to the people in the relationship to distinguish who is a true platonic friend and who might have alterior motives. It's important to pay attention and protect your relationship from any unwanted situations. Be honest, be open and be understanding. When you get married you are sharing everything with one person, including friendships.
As long as the meaning of friendship is all that exists outside of the marriage, then the existance of friends can be really rewarding and help build a strong community and extended "family". The singles dont deserve to be shunned either because they have not found their match yet.
Having trust in your partner to make the right decisions is what will make the friendship stronger as a couple too.
After reading Tori's comment I can just say Amen!
I would be totally jealous if Dustin were texting or chatting or whatever with another girl.
I don't need other male relationships besides my husband. But I do like to have "couple friends" as Tori said.
I just came back to read some of the comments and realized that the comment I left was left when I was under my husband's gmail account. HAHAHA! I bet you were wondering why "David" was so involved in your blog. So, in case you were wondering, "David" was actually Shalynna. :)
i feel like i have conflict of interest on this topic bc i have had so many problems with it, but here goes. i think its totally fine to do all that, as long as you aren't sneaking around to do it. and i think the line is when you are choosing the males over the husband for stuff like hang out time or a movie or like you and ted have date night, if you cancelled it for a guy friend who wanted u for a non-emergency. i would totes be fine with hubby hanging out with a girl if id met her at least one time and same rules; no sneaking and picking her OVER me.
Well...I'm 16. I'm not married. Shoot the only relationships I've had were Jr. High crap.
However, its been really interesting reading everyone elses comments...
Way interested in what your opinion is gonna be...
well my feelings on this are VERY VERY strong. NO NO NO. Marriage is the most beautiful and sacred commitment it's a gift from God, it should be handled delicately so it can last for time and all eternity. Marriage isn't a casual bonding it's serious. And Satan would love for us as husbands and wives to forget that and take marriage lightly. When faced with a decision I think of all my loved ones up in heaven even future children and think would they be pleased, is this a good example. At a time like this I feel like are guards can never be down, We have to be different from the rest of the World. Because we are unique because we have the truth. Sorry if this was OVER the top, but in my heart I know it's true :)
I don't think it's a big deal at all. I had tons of guy friends too in high school and afterwards for the same reason. Girls are vicious, mean, and gossip like there is no tomorrow. If you wanted to drop a line every once in a while to see how life is and catch up- totally fine!!! Whether it be facebook or e-mail, or text. Phone calls depends on how long you've known the guy. For instance, I've known a guy since the 5th grade, his parents live across the street from mine, so ya, If I want to chat it up with him, my husband doesn't get in a hissy. In fact, my husband TRUSTS me and I trust him! He connected to people on facebook that he hasn't seen in 20 years... which I think is awesome. Does he talk to them everyday and set up chat dates? NO. I think it is crossing the line when you're calling/texting/or facebooking every day and you share your emotional uproars with them. you should confide in your spouse when something is wrong, and first! Okay sometimes I tell my girlfriends things first, but only cause they are there at that moment in time while hubby is at work.
And wives who get mad at their husbands or husbands getting mad at their wives over them being friends with people they've known for years is plain stupid. They have TRUST ISSUES.
However, I think exes need to stay out of the picture! That is one situation that I put my foot down on.
To summarize everything- I think it's perfectly fine staying friends with people when you're married as long as it's no on a daily basis and as long as you are not sharing personal deep stuff with these people that you should be sharing with your spouse!
it's so interesting that you would bring up this topic, we just attended a marriage class taught by our bishop on sunday and he counseled us on "locking your heart" after you are married.
he was extremely specific about getting together one-on-one with a friend of the opposite sex (for lunch etc...) because in his years as a leader and sitting in on disciplinary councils, this was almost always the way it would start. that would lead to talking about how things were going at home and creating a 'bond' with someone other than your spouse and eventually lead to adultery. his point was that it always started casually, it was just friends getting together, yet it led to trouble.
as far as facebook goes, i think communicating in a public forum is fine, it's the private one-on-one communication that could be worrisome.
ultimately your marriage has to be THE most important relationship on this earth and you shouldn't let anything ruin that!
as long as you are trustworthy and you husband is ok with it, I think it's fine. I have no problem with my husband hanging out with his gal friends and he's fine with me hanging out with my guy friends because he knows I love him and that's all they are-friends.
If you ever dated said member of the opposite sex, then probably not kosher.
After you've had time to digest all of the fabulous information in these comments, would you mind posting a follow-up as to what people said? I'd be interested in everything you learn and what you think of this situation now. (I'd read all the comments myself but I'm too lazy, sorry!)
A. I think it's okay to have guy facebook friends, but then, mine are mostly over 2,000 miles away.
B. I don't know any really chatty guys, frankly. Any guy I would call on the phone would discuss the subject at hand (usually plans for our two couples to get together or a playdate for the kids) and then we'd be done. I'm hideously slow at texting, so don't do it often.
My husband has friends who are girls on Facebook, and at work. Happily, I trust all of them AND my husband (who I can tell has done something he shouldn't have about 3-10 seconds after he's done it).
I think it's okay. The line, though, would come when friends of the opposite sex get inappropriately needy with me or my husband. Or if you're planning an affair. Then it's definitely over the line.
I have always gotten along with boys as wells and I didn't have many close girl friends, those girls in church were mean to me, they pulled the chair out from underneath me on my first day in a new ward. So, I have always happened to be friends with boys, no drama or cat fights and backstabbing, straight up no nonsense. I don't chat with many, only my best friend Justin and he and I were really close. I don't talk to many on facebook, I wouldn't want my husband talking to his old friends only because they are not good influences and don't have kids now! So it really depends. I trust him, I don't trust them!
I'm gonna disagree with *Becky* about "And wives who get mad at their husbands or husbands getting mad at their wives over them being friends with people they've known for years is plain stupid. They have TRUST ISSUES."
It's not stupid. Sometimes you getting mad may be the thing that saves the marriage. If no boundaries are set how is your husband going to know he's crossed them?
I love what Bryce and Bree, and Austin and Ashtyn had to say! :)
I think it totally depends on the friend. Josh and I have single friends from when i worked at Walt Disney World but since he and I were so serious I know and trust that the girls that I talk to and he *occasionaly* talks to understand that as a married couple there are boundaries. That said we also both went through each other's phones and mentioned who we did and did not feel comfortable as keeping in contact with once we got engaged. And any members of the opposite sex that DID remain in the phone had to have a "background check" done by the spouse so we both feel ok with who we talk to regularly
In my opinion...once you are married it is not good to hang out with friends of the opposite sex without your spouse. If your husband is with you...sure no problem. But it's never a good idea to hang out with someone of the opposite sex without your best friend. Not only could it cause suspicions within the relationship, it won't look good to others and people will start to wonder. I have a couple guys who have ALWAYS been my best friends. They are the best best. However, now that I'm married I won't hang out with them unless my husband is there with me.
As far as texting and facebook chatting...I think that depends on the situation. For instance, to ask a question or say happy birthday or something of the sort...totally fine. But just to chat? Hmmm...probably not the greatest idea.
Just my opinion.
:)
Ok well I have some imput, kind of from both sides of this. Let me also say that I am currently single, so do with this what you will.
I don't have a very big family, and I'm not really close to the family that I do have, aside from my mother and grandmother. I am a single child and my parents are divorced. That being said, my friends are my family. They are my sisters, my brother, and their children are my nieces and nephews. So I expect anyone that I date/want to marry to take the time to get to know my friends and their significant others (just as they have expected their significant others to get to know me). I have one guy best friend, and there have never been any romantic feelings/interests between us - he really is like a brother to me, as is my BFF's husband. I trust them both, and if they can't get along with the guy I'm involved with, then I believe that their instincts are telling them something that I can't see. My hope is that the person I marry will come to love my friends as much as I love them. So that we'll hang out all together, and if there is a time that I hang out with my guy friend without my husband, it's not anything to be concerned about. And of course I hope to do the same with his friends, be they male or female.
Now, from the other side, and the reason I am so passionate about my future husband getting to know my friends - I have been the friend that got pushed aside because my BFF found "the one." Her [now] husband made no effort to get to know me and our other BFF even though we had 10+ years of friendship, and made life hell for her any time she wanted to hang out with us. Yes, it's a little different because we're not friends of the opposite sex, but she was a sister to me, and had been there for me through a lot of tough times, and I don't think we'll ever get to the point of being that close again.
The ideal situation of course is that his friends and my friends eventually merge and create a big group of "our" friends, but I'm not naive enough to think that that's going to happen instantly.
I do agree with clearing all EXs out of your life. That's just dangerous.
And maybe it's really something you have to take on a case by case basis.
Ok I think that's all. Sorry it was so long, and I hope it didn't come out too jumbled up. I had a lot of thoughts to convey, and they don't always come out in order. :)
I would just put yourself in your husband shoes and think if you would want him talking to other girls all the time.
Kurt has some friends that are girls but he doesn't talk to them on a daily basis. I don't see any problem with that. I really like the girls.
I think it becomes a problem if the spouse is talking to the friend more than to you.
Does this mean I can't regularly comment here anymore? I'm a dude, and you're a married woman.
most of my guy friends that i'm close to now, i've known through my husband. the other guy friends i've had who I am close to before my husband are still friends now but there are certain boundaries that I have like not eating lunch with them EVERYDAY or not calling them when i have a problem. I still hang out once in a while and still call and if i do hang out with them, i always make sure my husband is ok with that and he's super laid back and is always ok with it...but i still ask anyway =)
My husband doesn't have a lot of single girl friends. he is 5 years older than me so alot of his girl friends are already married. he doesn't usually keep up with the others who are single coz I guess he doesn't see the need to. I think that's cool.
i think it really depends on the couple and where trust stands in your relationship. I'm sure if you are not a very trusting person then you'd prefer if your husband didn't have that many single girl friends...but that's up to you and him to work something out, esp if he insists on keeping those girl friends close.
Texting - not okay
Online chatting - not okay
Going out to lunch - not okay
Chatting on the phone - not okay
Being facebook friends with and writing the occasional message on their wall - okay because it's totally public.
I might be a psycho but I think that when you let yourself be too comfortable being alone or talking to someone of the opposite sex it's going to be a lot easier to get caught in a bad situation. Let's be honest it is almost impossible to be JUST FRIENDS with someone of the opposite sex. Someone is bound to feel SOMETHING and even if it's not acted on I still think it's best to just steer clear of the situation. I think it's great to have couple friends - where you and your spouse are friends with other couples. =) Sorry - I'm rambling!
I'll just say,
The more contact you have, the more room to be stupid and possibly do something you'll regret. In my ward growing up there was a mom from one family and a dad from another (both families with a few OLDER kids) and they had an affair. How could that happen unless they started out friends. There's no point of being friends forever with opposite sex- but it's not like you have to HATE or ignore the person. It's just not a good idea to go out of your way to have contact, because the flame could rekindle, most likely unintentionally. Anyway, those are my thoughts.
I'm gonna say that it is not okay with me. But it turns out me and my husband are totally similar in that he feel the same way. For me it is because of my father. My parents are divorced now and for good reason. The things he did to my mom scarred me and that is why I am so insecure about hubby talking to other girls. Who knows, maybe I'd still be insecure if my father were true to my mother but I guess we will never know (tmi, sorry)
We are friends with couples. I have always felt that with other couples it is always polite to speak with the girl. I will speak with the guy if we are in a group situation. But I also speak to the girl for her benefit because I know there are other girls who feel insecure and I wouldn't want to make them feel that way by speaking with their husband. Guy friends are cool in high school but I am finding that some girls change for the better after they get married and its easier to hang out with them.
Hands down, my husband is my best friend. I do have one guy friend whom I've been friends with since I was 12. My husband is cool with it and since I've been married, I don't see him as often. I get a phone call here and there and he will join us at family parties or come over for dinner, but never without my husband present. This friend needs a family since his is so far away at the moment and my husband and I have stepped up to the plate and have been his family away from home.
This friend is my one exception...the rest of my guy friends have faded away like fog on a sunny day and I like it that way. I don't feel the need for male friendship because my husband fulfills that role for me perfectly. I would never judge another person who had a different view of things though.
Here go my 2 cents worth...
I think that being friends with someone of the opposite sex is fine when you are married. BUT there are limits to how "friendly" you should be. Getting together with anyone of the opposite sex needs to be done with your spouse there. Period.
Phone calls are NOT necessary unless you are inviting said friend to get together with you and your spouse.
Texting can be dangerous footing because it can be kept secret, but chatting on facebook in an open forum (I think) is fine because it's out there for ALL of your friends and your spouse to view.
Trust is a delicate thing, and once it's been broken, or even tainted just a little, will change your relationship in some way forever. Do you really want your spouse to ever have a grain of doubt about the way you conduct yourself when he's not looking?
I see nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. Being open about it is the key. If anything is hidden, then there is a problem. I too get along better with men and would be heart broken if my man told me he didn't want me to have contact with them. I trust his judgement also and do not mind if he has contact with other girls. We are open about everything which works great for our relationship. Just because we are together does not mean we can not have a life outside of each other.
NO to all of the above. i don't care how awkward it is to do it (as I had to cut ties with many of mine): ditch the guy friends.
the married woman's life is about being a good wife, being a good friend to your husband, putting him first, and putting your family first. obviously, she has to take care of herself also, but she does need to take care of the marriage for the good of the eternal family.
once a woman is married, she needs to re-prioritize. i think that is a great way to avoid divorce and an even better way to show your love for your husband.
This is such a good topic!!
So one of my best friends is a guy I know since middle school and he eventually told me he liked me but things never progressed because I didn't want them to. He is a super nice guy and we went back to being friends. We both eventually got married to other people EVERYTHING changed. It's soooo sad. I feel like I lost one of my best friends and replaced it with a new better best friend. I'm so grateful for my husband but sad at the loss of one of the few people who cared about me while growing up.
It's sad because we can't really be friends anymore. His wife is nice but I don't think she likes me and I know my hubby doesn't like my friend because he was jealous he used to like me. It's childish but I know if it bothers our spouses then I respect that and have kept my distance.
SO I think crossing the line would be alone together, emailing, texting. Hanging out as couples SHOULDN'T be a big deal.
I have edited a talk from Henry B Eyring regarding new members as a response to the idea that the only friend we need is our spouse.
The entire talk is found here. Liahona >> 2002 >> July >> True Friends
To me, this is commanding us to be friends with with everyone. I don't see how this is possible without forming an emotional bond. Friendship without an emotional bond is insincere, and can be damaging I think.
TRUE FRIENDS
...I feel again the weight of the charge to each of us from the Lord’s living prophet. It is to keep the promise we made in the waters of baptism “to bear one another’s burdens.” It is to be a friend.
These words of President Hinckley energize me: “I hope, I pray, I plead with you, every one of you, to embrace every new member of the Church. Make a friend of him or her. Hold onto them.”
... All it takes is to feel something of what they feel and something of what the Savior feels for them. Try to feel the heart of a young man
...Perhaps because Mbuti had walked the path himself or perhaps by revelation, he knew what his friend would have to do to endure. And so he knew how to lift and help.
...There are limits on what friends can do to help the ones who must endure.
...The member must make the choices, but the true friend is vital. There are important ways for us to share the new member’s burden that it may be bearable. We can love, listen, show, and testify.
First, we must love them. That is what the Savior does. We can do it with Him and for Him. He showed us the way in His mortal ministry. He taught by precept and example that we are to love His disciples.
“This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.
“Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.
“Ye are my friends, if ye do whatsoever I command you.
“Henceforth I call you not servants; for the servant knoweth not what his lord doeth: but I have called you friends; for all things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.” 9
...Second, we must listen to the new member with understanding and empathy. That also will take spiritual gifts, since our experience will rarely parallel theirs. It will not be enough to say, “I understand how you feel,” unless we do. But the Savior does. He is prepared to help you be a friend who understands even those you have just met, if you ask in faith. Before He was born, prophets knew what He would do to be able to help you be a friend for Him:
“And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
“And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.” 10
...I can still remember, as if it were today, friends who touched my life for good long ago. They are gone, but the memory of their love, example, faith, and testimony still lifts me. And your friendship to even one new member may, in this life and in the next, cause hundreds or even thousands of their ancestors and their descendants to call you blessed.
Monster and I have the same view...
We can chat, text, talk to, hang out with friends no matter their sex. We trust each other. Been married 6 years, no problems, we're totally committed to each other, so it's never been an issue. We just don't hide anything from each other, at all.
Dave - your comment sounds a little like justification. I suppose it depends on what your motive is. Is it truly friendship or does it have any sexual undertones? Because once it crosses that line or the emotional bond is more than what you have with your spouse, it has become more than friendship and your loyalty has shifted.
I also disagree with all the "trust" comments and have to take Tori's side of the argument. Even good men/women are not infallible.
Miss Organic:
"Because once it crosses that line or the emotional bond is more than what you have with your spouse, it has become more than friendship and your loyalty has shifted"
is a spot on analysis. That is really the key. Even evaluating motives for sexual overtones is overly simplistic. Are you going to the friend for anything (emotional or physical) that you aren't getting from your spouse?
I mentioned above that you have to make sure you put more energy into your relationship with your spouse than with anyone else. If you find yourself more invested in a friendship than a marriage, it's time to back off the friendship. (or step up your marriage :-) )
My main motive for posting that talk (sorry about the length, BTW) was to counter the people that say your spouse should be the ONLY friend you need.
Your spouse is your best friend, but not the only one.
Oh I totally wanted to say.. I was the EXACT same way in HS. I hung out with my brother's friends way more than girls I knew... and for the same reason you gave. Girls suck. hAHA (Jk)
I am a little hesitant to leave a comment about this because i think mine and my husband’s views are different from a lot of peoples. I love my husband a lot. I am pretty much obsessed with him.
That being said, we both had a lot of really good friends of the opposite sex growing up.
Occasionally me and him will send/receive texts from the opposite sex. Do I think this is horribly wrong? No. ... every time we do have ANY sort of contact with anyone, we tell each other the entire conversation and what was said. etc. Nothing is private or secretive. I hated/hate the idea that I am not allowed to be friends with some of my best friends growing up.
That being said, I do understand that the dynamics of every relationship are different. What works for my relationship won’t work for others. I respect other peoples' wishes once they are made known to me.
I think my views have come to be the way they are because my best friend (other than my husband) is a guy me and my family brought into the church. He is literally part of my family and up until recently was living at my parents house. Am I going to give up on that friendship because I got married? I don’t think I could or should.
*side note* I do think there are appropriate conversations with the opposite sex. The majority of conversations I have are more to stay in contact. I don’t think it’s appropriate to talk about anything really personal (feelings, dreams/wishes...). Those should be reserved for your other half.
oh, and I am also a part of the ‘girls are hard to hang out with’ group.
Maybe though, hanging out with girls just sucks because I am awful at it. True Story.
Post a Comment