I hate secrets.
I hate hate hate hate hate hate them.
I always beg The Tedward to tell me what he bought me for my birthday, christmas or valentine's day.
He is a sucker, because he always tells....I am happy :)
With my mom...she is good. She won't tell me a thing. And never budges.
The fool.
Anyway, I hate secrets.
----------------------------------------------------
Ted and I have always told each other everything.
I like knowing that we can confide in each other.
I also like knowing that my girlfriends know when they say, "this is a secret" they mean...a secret from everyone else...just not your husband.
When one of my best friends told me she was pregnant...and asked me to keep it a secret, she said, "except for Ted...of course".
Now THAT is a secret I can keep.
But, what about you?
{one} Do you think it is okay to keep secrets from your husband?
{two} Are there times it is better to confide in a friend, as opposed to your husband?
{three} If your husband said, "I can't tell you...this person asked me not to tell you," would that bother you?
Spill it!
64 awesomespice comments:
FIRST!
One: NO
Two: NO
Three: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. That is a tough one! I personally don't like to keep secrets from my husband, but if someone tells me something in confidence, then I will keep it a secret as long as it is nothing to do with my or hubby personally. I have been known to ask if I can talk to my hubby about things like that though.
2. No (If you can't confide in your husband then something is wrong.)
3. Probably unless he was a Bishop or something, and then of course, he has to keep secrets.
1. No...unless it is a birthday or a fun secret that he will find out soon....
2. yes
I am not married obivously but I think once you are married your spouse is the person that you tell everything too! That person is your best friend and your spouse. And never keep a secret from them ever! That is my opinion.
If it doesn't affect me, it is probably better that I don't know, so I am not thinking about it, but in the moment, I would probably want to know.
I definitely don't think it's ok to keep secrets from your husband (or significant other). It builds walls. Unless, of course, it is a surprise! Like a birthday surprise. :P
At times I have discussed things with my best friend prior to discussing them with BF, but that was for advice.
And I think I would be ticked if BF said he couldn't tell me. But he tells me everything anyways :)
I think keeping secrets from your spouse or significant other can create more problems down the line. Communication is key to any relationship so secrets should never be there.
1: Well if I even could keep a secret from him, I wouldnt.
2: I think its ok to confide in a friend. There have been a few things that I have tried to talk to my husband about, and he listened and tried to understand, but he just couldnt fully grasp my problem. So I talked to a friend. I always go to my husband first, but sometimes I think you just really need a girl to listen.
3: YES, that would so bother me. I dont know how bishop's wives do it!!
1. If I keep secrets from the husband it's not on purpose. Plus I like to talk so most things spill out at some point. I really only don't talk about old boyfriends because he has this thing where he doesn't like thinking about how I've kissed anybody else. But like I want to discuss them anyway, right?
2. Confide? No. Discuss, yes. Like high school and college relationships that thankfully didn't work out. lol
3. It would depend on the person. My mom? No, I wouldn't care. His mom? Yes, I would care. haha
1. No
2. No
3. Yes
We don't keep secrets ever, no matter what, and I wouldn't ever consider trusting or confiding in a friend more than in him - he IS my best friend.
Hubby and I tell each other EVERYTHING. No secrets!
And if there is anything I ever need to get off my chest, I tell it to my blog. That's why it's anonymous, right?
This is my first time commenting but I always check out your blog!
One- NEVER. I dont see how people would want to keep a secret from thier husband??
Two-Your husband should be your best friend but there are somethings that my husband just doesnt care about. So in that way I will talk to a friend.
Three- OHHH YES...I dont think spouses should keep things from each other. A husband and wife should be able to confide in each other!!
Ha ha I am the worst secret keeper ever because I love knowing all secrets too. I always tell Ryan everything. He is a good secret keeper though. Sometimes he forgets to tell me stuff and it is a total secret his whole family knows except for me and I get super annoyed. So yes it would bother me tons if he told me he couldn't tell me a secret. I always end up getting it out of him.
If my husband has arranged for all of my kids to fly to Winnipeg to visit me, that is a secret he could keep from me ANY DAY!!!!
I don't keep secrets from my husband unless a friend needs to vent about something--in that case it's more a confidence than a "secret".
I would prefer to confide in my husband than anyone.
There are lots of things my hubby can't tell me, and I'm totally fine with that. (It's Church stuff and I don't need and don't want to know) And, if one of my kids needs to talk to him and only wants him to know, I'm fine with that, too.
i can't believe there's only 13 comments right now! i'm really on top of things today! in about an hour there will be about 200..
anyways.... definitely NO you cannot keep secrets from your spouse! unless it is a fun surprise for like christmas or anniversarys or other fun occasion!..spell?? for example, john works with a guy who dated my sister. this guy tells john too much about his life, and dating girls and stuff. john tells me everything. up until this guy and my sister broke up, everything was fine. but when they broke up, this guy started dating my sister's best friend in less than a week. and of course john told me, and of course, i told me sister! this guy was mad, and john told him "don't tell me things if you don't want lindsey to know" and also "lindsey won't keep something from her sister like that either"! so yes, secrets are fun! but i love that i can share anything with my husband and vise versa
1. no. if you're married, then your husband is your best friend as well as the love of your life. there has to be complete honesty.
2.once again, no. you can tell both, or you can just tell your husband, but either way you can't keep things from him. if you feel like there's something that you can't tell him, then there's a problem.
3. yes. see above.
1. Yes,as long as it doesn't have anything to do with myself or my hubby.
2. Yes.
3. Yes,the nosy part of me would be very curious!
1. I think some things are too personal to share with a third party (this is only in means of someone else telling me something that I ask me not to tell) but other than extreme situations no I will not keep secrets from him.
2. Sometimes there might be but eventually I'll tell him. It's just good sometimes to get another woman's opinion before you tell the husband (again, only in extreme situations)
3. It wouldn't bother me if it was someone else's secret he was keeping. If it was a secret of his then absolutely it would bother me to no end.
Now don't get me wrong, I confided everything to Andrew and will continue to do so but if a girlfriend asks me not to tell him something I won't. Not until I get permission. (But I don't think anyone will ever expect me to keep something from him)
1. Well, what if your husband is a blabber mouth and your friend REALLY doesn't want anyone to find out? That might be one reason. I think if it has anything to do with you or your husband it should not be kept secret. Other people may not want your husband to know, but that's their issue
2. No. Always confide in your husband. you should NEVER go to a friend first, especially if it is an issue about your husband. He wouldn't want all your friends knowing about your issues. That's hurtful
3. It would only bother me because I would think that that person doesn't think I can keep their secret.
1. Well, what if your husband is a blabber mouth and your friend REALLY doesn't want anyone to find out? That might be one reason. I think if it has anything to do with you or your husband it should not be kept secret. Other people may not want your husband to know, but that's their issue
2. No. Always confide in your husband. you should NEVER go to a friend first, especially if it is an issue about your husband. He wouldn't want all your friends knowing about your issues. That's hurtful
3. It would only bother me because I would think that that person doesn't think I can keep their secret.
1. No, you should never keep secrets from your spouse. You can have surprises (aka birthday gifts, tickets to a movie, etc.) but not secrets.
2. No, you should always be able to confide in your husband. I talk to my husband about EVERYTHING. Your husband should be the one person you can tell anything too.
3. Yes, extremely. I don't "not tell" my husband anything like that, even if it's told in confidence, and he is the same way. If someone doesn't want the spouse to know their secret, they shouldn't tell it!
Secrets = bad
Surprises = good
1. no..
2. no!
3. not any more. Reason:
Mark and I have a friend who we both know and love, but he is going through some really hard things right now (a divorce) and the wife told me, while our friend had already told Mark days before. She was surprised that I didn't already know (she thought Mark would have automatically told me). I was surprised that Mark could hide that THAT well from me for 4 days. Things like this USED to bother me.. but now I know it's just Mark being very good with his friends' confidences. Mark doesn't tell me things like this sometimes because he doesn't want me to feel the stress, or judge him when I shouldn't, or know before I should.
Mark is also in the military. There are a LOT of times (just like 2 weeks ago when he got back from his trip) when he said, "please don't ask, I'm not going to tell you, I can't tell you," etc. I'm getting more used to it.
I trust him. That's all there is to it. :) That, and our twue wuv.
I just assume that anyone who tells me anything should pretty much know that I will tell Trent. We don't keep secrets and thats how it should be. That being said, we don't talk about ex's and I don't consider that to be secrets, just pointless. And okay I never told him about that lesbian make out dream, cause that was just weird and I didn't want to freak him out. The end.
1) NO
2) NO
3) YES
Because we agreed when we got married that there would be no secrets. So we tell each other everything. My friends know that, too, so when they tell me secrets, they know I'm going to tell Hubs.
Only he won't tell me what he got me for my birthday or Christmas. When I buy his birthday gift I ask him constantly if he wants to know what I got him.
No, I dont think its okay to keep secrets. It doesnt lend to having an open relationship. How can you help each other grown if you keep things from one another??
I believe that if you cant get ahold of your husband, that its okay to confide in a best friend. But always remember that you need to let him in the loop!
and YES! oh my goodness...if Jace kept secrets from me i might die. I hate secrets.
My husband and I don't keep secrets from each other, because I am like you and hate them, and because he stinks at keeping them (like when it comes to presents). The only time our relationship is not completely open is when it comes to his work. He is in the Air Force and pretty much cant tell me anything. All though I will say that it is REALLY hard for him sometimes, because he wants to tell me something but it is top secret, and it pretty much takes everything in him not to spill it. That makes me feel better because at least I know he wants to tell me, if he could.
1. If the kids and I have made him a special treat we plan on giving him when he gets home, or if I have a present he's getting for his birthday, yeah, I won't tell him until we present the gift. But that's not a "Secret - Secret." That's a present. Other than that, no, I never keep secrets from my husband. That's like keeping a secret from myself. We are one.
2. Why would I want to confide in a friend other than my husband? He's my best friend and gives me better advice than anyone. And again - we're one.
3. If someone tells him something, they are fully aware that I'll know. So that scenario will never happen.
1. I don't think it's okay to keep secrets from your hubsand.... Although when he says things like "How much did that cost?" and I said "$15" when it was "$21".....I don't feel bad.
2. Yes I think its better to confide in a friend sometimes...depends on the topic.
3. And yes that would bug the h word out of me.
1. Sometimes
2. No
3. Yes it would, except where work is concerned. Because if he told me he'd have to kill me and I rather much enjoy being alive.
Ha Im the same way!! I hate secrets. I beg everyone to tell me what they got me. I hate surprises. And when it comes to gift giving... I cant ever keep it a secret. I ask Zach weeks in advanced in he would like to have his birthday/ Christmas/anything presents. WHen it comes to REAL secrets though I dont think you should keep it from yuor husband/ spouse. We are supposed to be one and if we cant tell each other something then it could potentially end bad.
1) Yes- I think it's okay. But I think he needs to know I am. I mean.. if it matters. Certain things don't- certain stuff he doesnt' care about.. but if a friend is having a difficult time in her marriage- and he is friends w/ the guy and she asks me not to tell....? I won't. But he'll know I talked to her and that she asked me not to
2) Yep- sometimes husbands (cuz they're men) can't understand a difficult thing you might be going through marriage-wise. A good friend should hopefully be there to listen.. and then get you to a place where you can discuss it with him
3) of course I'd want to know- i always do... but if he's not telling me, i know it's a big deal and he is really serious
I agree with the above commenters who've said that there's a difference between a secret and a surprise . . . though, to be perfectly honest, there's only been once in the entire 10 year history of our marriage that I've actually been able to pull off a surprise for my dh! lol
I don't keep secrets from my husband . . . he's the one person I can tell EVERYTHING to.
I'm not sure I would have a hard time if dh were ever in a position (such as a bishop) where he was unable to tell me certain things. I think I would understand that those confidential boundaries are something that Father in Heaven has asked not be crossed, even in marriage and that I'd be fine with that . . .
Great debate today! :)
1. no, unless of course it's something like what you got him for his birthday or something on that level.
2. nope. your hubby is your best friend. i don't hesitate to tell my fiance anything. i have a couple of friends on the secrets level with my fiance, but he hears everything.
3. yes, again unless it was something like what my bff got me for my birthday. otherwise, i'd be a pretty unhappy camper.
yet another great debate lauren!
My hubby and I are just like you and Ted. We tell each other everything. I do think that as far as the whole "Don't tell anyone" thing goes, for the most part, everyone understands that doesn't include your spouse. There is a reason you're married to them! You trust them and they trust you, so if your friend (or whoever) trusts you with a secret, they should know it will most likely be told to your spouse. Not out of disloyalty to your friend, but because you and your husband have a special bond/agreement - you tell each other everything.
(one) it depends on the secret.. if it has nothing to affect your relationship and a person confided to you then it's ok.
(two) there are times when i would rather confide in a friend, like when i thought my fiance would propose to me... i would never tell my fiance that..lol
(three) it would bother me.. it has. i had my brother tell me i couldn't tell my boyfriend he had a ring for his girlfriend and it bothered me..i find it rude because you tell your husband/soon-to-be-husband everything so its not cool to have that guilty feeling when you want to tell them...
No secrets from my man! I tell him everything, even if it will upset him!
I don't like secrets either... But when I am surprised --it's fun! I am just so nosy and impatient.
I don't like keeping anything from Chad. I think "not telling" things is dishonest to me. ( Their is an exception with business and church jobs sometimes ) but for the general rule.. We share everything!
1. You should never keep secrets from your husband, I love mine too much to do that.
2. My husband is my best friend, the end.
3. Yes it would bother me. I am put in this position ALL the time by my husbands family. They always tell me things and say just don't tell him. Of course I do, I can't stand keeping stuff from him, and it would bother me a lot if he did that to me.
No
No
Yes. I am trying to get over it though because my husband is going to be a pastor and there will probably be times that he can't tell me things...I trust him implicitly.
1= no
2= no
3= YES!
I think that if a person is married there is just an unspoken rule that by telling one party you are secretly telling the other one as well.
1. It's definitely not a good thing to keep secrets. However, if you are telling him something in order to alleviate the guilt and stress you feel from holding something in, and it is something that could really hurt him, it is essentially a selfish act to tell that secret. Of course, I am talking about things that either A - you can work out on your own, or B - don't concern him, and either way would have no real effect on your relationship if kept a secret.
2- There can definitely be times when a girlfriend is better to confide in that your man. Plus, there is usually chocolate involved in girl gab fests. Always a plus!
3. It probably wouldn't bother me, but that depends on who the secret is about. If it's something about one of my BFFs, I'd want to know. But if it is something between him and his buddies, more power to him from honoring his word.
With secrets, you should first evaluate the reasons behind why you want to tell them before you do the telling.
I definitely share everything with my boyfriend, and my friends know that anything they tell me he will most likely know too. They respect that and trust him. It's nice. :) There was only one time when a friend confided something in me to which she said 'I understand if you must tell him.' and I decided not to, because honestly, it wasn't my story to tell.
Love your blog, it's thought-provoking!
We are just the same as you guys, Lauren.
We never keep secrets, though my husband maintains that birthday presents are secrets. They are surprises. Drives me crazy!
I think it's best to confide in my husband, rather than a friend, as he is the only person I can truely trust.
I can't see my husband ever daying 'I can't tell you..this person asked me not to tell you'.
Because of my profession there is lots I can't tell. I also wouldn't want to know things if my husband was in a church leadership calling. I have learned that there are things that I just don't want to know.
I also like to have my presents be a surprise. Didn't use to. Now I do.
Do you think it's because I'm old now? Be honest.
I need to add that if it's a safety issue it SHOULD NEVER BE A SECRET OR KEPT!!! If someone has been hurt, is being hurt, or is a danger to themselves or others I will report it and I will let them know that I am.
I dunno, I"m not married.
But I do come from a home where the father is bombarded weekly with secrets from church members and is obligated to not tell his wife anything. So I guess it just depends on the situation.
Not being married, i am still going to post what i think. Because i like you Lauren hate secrets. I want to know what they are. But unlike you, i want to know them, just to know them, then i wish i didn't know them! haha! I'm confusing yes! BUT i wouldn't keep a secret from my future-whoever-you-may-be-husband ever. Too juicy! ha! Yes it's ok to confide in friends because a lot of the time someone has been there. BUT if my husband had a secret that he said he couldn't tell me, i would die. Nough said!
I think my comment made sense! It did in my head! ;)
I hate KNOWING secrets. I feel a weight about them.
I do keep some secrets from my husband. Sometimes little ones (presents, etc.) - sometimes big ones (I might die, etc.) I go with the spirit and try to be wise in what I share. If I am going to share something big (it's usually been health) only to make myself feel unburdened but I know it will now weigh on him and make him sick and worried - I've learned to take a wait and see approach. I share more when I know more. Sometimes, anyway.
He did the same for me last time he had cancer. He waited until he HAD to take action and knew all the results and then he told me. Looking back, he spared me many months of agony, but I would have been happy to help/know, too. He knew how stressed I was about other things, so he kept it quiet until there was something firm to share.
We have to keep lots of secrets b/c he has been in the Bishopric and I've been RS President. We're kind of used to it. I don't want to know who's getting welfare checks or who's been excommunicated and he doesn't want to know who is leaving her husband or being abused. So him having to keep secrets doesn't bother me - I assume if I should know, I'll get filled in. But that came with time as when I was younger, it would have MADE ME NUTS!
(I worked with someone in church who can't stand not knowing what her husband knows and she made so many messes of things trying to find out what was going on and being a busy body. It cured me forever of wanting to know what my husband knows. She caused me a lot of dramas because of her obsession and I couldn't trust her. Sucked.)
I am not married (obvious) but I hope when the time comes, my hubby and I will be able to tell eachother everything!!
As for now, I actually love secrets:) I love keeping them and telling them, I think it's sort of..thrilling. But when they are being kept from me, I HATE it because, being the busy body I am, I have to be in on everything. But with my personality, I somehow manage to manipulate other people into giving in and telling me...
I can't believe I just admitted that. Hahah I know I'm terrible.
1. No, unless it's like a present or something totally harmless like that.
2. I confide in my mom, but it's usually about stuff I'd tell Tony about too... husbands and wives should be able to talk about anything!
3. Yes, that would be so weird, I think!
Neither Bryce or I can keep secrets worth our lives! When we first got married Bryce would always say things like "NO ONE is supposed to know this but..." I felt great knowing that he told me everything, until the next day when I would hear him say to his brother, "NO ONE is supposed to know this but..." and say the exact same thing! That darn boy just tells everyone everything...and then they call me and Ashtyn "gossips!" Oh please. My point is, if you have a secret you don't want everyone to know, don't tell us. End of story :D
Oh crap, I didn't even answer the questions. No you should not keep secrets from the hubs, afterall, when you get married you become one. Bryce knows everything, and is usually the first to know. I would also be so bugged if I knew Bryce was keeping secrets from me. Although I'm pretty sure it's not even possible for him to do so!
Haha, I just read your bit after "leave your comment", and I'm totally laughin'.
1)Secrets, no. Sometimes there are things I wish I didn't have to tell him, but, can't keep 'em a secret. (Babe, I kiiiiiind of bashed the garage door in)
2)No. But sometimes, I need to talk to a friend, more than I need to talk to my husband because sometimes, boys just don't understand. Make sense?
3)YES yes yes a million times yes! Sorry, we got married, that means you spill all! But of course I won't tell anyone :)
I hate secrets being kept from me but I like keeping secrets from people (like presents/surprises-and only those).
1. I don't think it's ok to keep secrets from your husband unless its about presents or something of that sort. I feel like if you trusted that person enough to marry them then you are now joint & should not keep things from each other.
2. NO! Your husband should be the first person you go to & confide in.
3. Um if my husband said "I can't tell you...this person asked me not to tell you," that would totally bother me because I feel like things between a husband & a wife should be shared. No matter what. You are as one & as long as you trust each other/the other person to not go tell other people then I think it's fine. But if you tell the other person & then they go tell people...then it's just bad & you both look bad for not keeping it a secret.
1. If someone specifically asks me not to tell Scott something, I honor that request. But a true friend won't ask me to keep something from my husband. It's only happened one time, and this was involving a case of adultery. (NOT US! The friend!) I honored her request to not tell Scott, because of her specific situation. (Mostly because God forgave her and their marriage healed, and I didn't want Scott to ever view her in a less-than-flattering manner.) So clearly, it depends on the circumstances.
2. I tell Scott everything. He's my best friend. He's the shoulder I cry on, the person I dream with, the person I share my dreams with...the whole she-bang. However, if I've had a bad mom day...when I'm worn out, the house is a mess, I'm falling apart, and life seems hectic, I'll call one of my mommy BFFs to cry on her shoulder. 'Cause she understands and because I don't want Scott coming home from work to find me a whining mess. I want him to find peace at home--not chaos. So if I bawl it out with a girlfriend, I'm feeling better by the time he gets home. And then I share my angst with him...I'm just less angsty about it.
3. Scott is a doctor. If someone tells him something behind the doors of his office, he is legally and morally bound not to tell me. So he doesn't. He has never revealed ANYTHING about a patient to me. Even patients who are my close friends. On that same turn, I don't ask. So yes, he keeps secrets from me all the time. It's the nature of his job. Does it bother me? No, because I'm an adult and I wouldn't want my doctor telling her husband and pals all of my problems.
BUT...
there has been one time when he has not told me a secret someone shared with him. Again, it involved adultery (again, NOT US!)...a friend of ours was cheating on his wife and came to Scott for advice. This friend asked Scott not to tell me. So Scott didn't even mention it to me. Until after the fact and after the couple got divorced.
So...for us...we tell each other everything. Except for when there are exceptions to the rule. Those exceptions are extremely rare, but still.
(Dang, Lauren--I sound so well-adjusted. So glad you know the real me. HA!)
1. Yes - but only secrets regarding things like what you buy him for his bday and other gift-giving events, and especially if you are throwing him a surprise party! :)
2. Yes - if you need to vent about nit-picky things that aren't worth bringing up w/your hubby...for example...the other day I vented to my BFF that I had terrible cramps...you know, things NO boy likes to talk about anyway.
3. It would bother me that he didn't trust me enough to keep a secret - but at the same time, I think it is admirable that he is going to keep his word to the person who spilled the secret to him. I guess it would depend on the situation, really...
I have to agree with about everyone:
1. No secrets Yes surprises, but no secrets
2. Sure since my BFF is my husband :) After being married 20 years I guess I have seen some friends come and go as we've moved and gone through hard times, but my husband has always been my friend no matter what the secret has been, and I've had some doosies.
3. No. See 2. Plus he never has seen a reason to... as far as I know.
Love your Laurel and Hardy picture!!
one:it depends what kind of secret but i tell my hubby everything and so does he :-)
two:yes like "female" problems that a man just doesnt understands
three: yes and no, it depends which person told him to keep a secret..lol
I don't like secrets, but I love surprises. Yeah, Nancy! I don't keep secrets from my hubby, but sometimes I purposely neglect to tell him something, unless he flat-out asks of course.
I had this just happened to me where me mother inlaw told my husband not to tell me something that had happened in the family. It was very important and I think very inappropriate she didn't want me to know but everyone else knew. To make a long story he told her he wasn't going to keep it from me and came home and told me right away. I feel it was so wrong to make him keep it from me. But that is my opinion!
I pretty much know if I tell my husband he aint telling anyone.
I tell my husband everything...even things I don't want to! And yes, I would be very bothered if he said "I can't tell you...this person asked me not to tell you," (unless it was about a gift or surprise for me):) People should know that I am extention of him and what they tell him will be known by me :)
Can I ask if the same goes if your friends boyfriend tells YOU not to tell?
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