the lauren diaries: "lost girls"

if any of you are available, my friends sterling, adam and hannah's band are playing at 3 Fountains tonight at 7:30. you all should come and we can hang out and listen to good music! if you need directions, email me!

 

 

anyway...

 

 

last night was a doozie.

after watching the episode, i went and wrote down notes of what pissed me off, just so i could relive the anger i felt. i can't make these things up, ya'll.

today's recap will be in list form again...because that is how i roll.

 

 

 

1. so glad they had this guy again.

because dude. i could listen to him say "June 1953" over and over again and still laugh my butt off. worst actor ever? yes. pretty sure he just wandered onto the set while the real actor missed his "curtain call" and was drinking margarita's in his trailer.

 

 

 

2. let's talk about this guy...

someone died a little last night...and it was me. stefan is wearing a dress...

 

and the shoulders have pleating/gathering. he is wearing PUFFED sleeves. you know...anne of green gables style. obvi! do you understand the pain i have right now?!

i mean, i get that they are doing a flashback to the civil war era and stuff, and that's cool and all. but dude...couldn't they just have him shirtless or something? i dunno...

 

 

3. check out this skank named katherine who looks just like elena...

she is totes checking out stefan...and by checking out, i mean she is imagining what he would look like shirtless and totally NOT with that heinous "hair did".

 

stefan likes her bosoms...it's the CW! duh!

(and it looks like her slave is checkin' them out too...again, it's the CW)

 

i sense a civil war time scandal...a scandal that involves those bosoms...and stefan's man-dress-with-puffed-sleeves. just sayin'...just sayin'...

 

 

anyway...

 

 

4. so elena asks stefan "what are you?!"

and he pretty much looks so offended for like 5 minutes. check it...

 

 

 

 

and he finally says...

"i'm sexy. what else?!"

 

 

and elena goes, "did you seriously just say that to me?"

 

 

and he goes...

 

and she goes..."aight."

 

 

5. stefan prank calls damon...

stefan goes, "seven daaaays!"

 

and damon goes, "oh shiiiz!"

 

 

 

6. FYI...horseface isn't dead.

...much to my disappointment.

 

 

 

7. newsflash! elena is a B!

she asks stefan to meet her for lunch so she can be a beotch to him..check this:

 

 

 

she is totes going to have to get some olay regenerist creme to prevent getting some serious wrinkles between her eyes. i forsee early aging in her future.

 

but seriously...why is she mad at STEFAN for DAMON'S behavior? I will cut her.

 

i remember clearly from the books that once elena finds out stefan is vampire, they have a seriously hot makeout session. this elena is a freakin idiot. MAKE OUT WITH PAUL WESLEY. has she not seen "the abs"?

 

 

 

8. MOST attractive non-husband ever?

yes.

 

MOST retarded girl ever for being pissed at him the entire epi for no reason?

yes.

 

 

9. look...stefan and damon used to be BFF

aww...they are huggin' it out...

 

someone take a picture...it will last longer!

 

...because this lil' skank will be ruining the bromance in a hot minute.

but srsly...she goes, "which of you two will be taking me to the ball tonight?"

and they both volunteer...obvi! (they like the bosoms!...it's the CW!)

and she chooses to go to the ball with stefan. (good choice)

but then jumps damon's bones later. yeah...i just said that.

because yeah...it totes happened. katherine must be pwned!

 

 

10. i have never seen something so frightening in my entire life...

srsly. i am so freakin scared right now.

 

 

 

11. the mayor has a vampire compass.

and it was so 2nd hand embarrassing.

oh yes...it leads them to the vampires...and their abs.

which...in that case, i guess it is pretty handy.

 

KA-CHING!

the compass works!

 

 

 

12. horseface and damon hug it out...

that must have been incredibly scary for damon. i commend him.

 

and then he breaks her neck...

finally someone with some sense!

except...she didn't die. she is vampire.

yes. we are subjected to her for the rest of eternity.

 

 

 13. stefan tries to console a confused horsefaced girl...

all because elena blamed the whole situation on him when it wasn't his fault, but what else is new...

 and he goes..."it will be ok. once you feed, you will feel better. i know exactly the person you should attack first. her name is elena."

 

and vicky goes, "but...isn't that your girlfriend? i thought you loved her?"

 

and he is like, "that beotch? psh...whatev."

"oh...i have an idea. wanna see something awesome?"

 

"yes..."

 

and...while he is showing her the abs...

 

stupid guy with the vampy compass shoots him with a wooden bullet for being "too hott". it was a travesty. srsly...i can't make these things up.

 

and i screamed. i did...srsly.

 

but damon arrived, and dug the bullet out...while delivering one of the best lines ever known to man...

 

he said, "no one is allowed to kill you except me."

 

WIN!

 

 

and then damon thinks he is the shiz. obvi!

 

 

14. stefan arrives at elena's house covered in blood.

and she goes, "why do you have blood on you?"

 

and stefan goes, "just cleaning up damon's messes...that you think are my fault, and in the process i get shot because i am too hott."

 

and she goes, "wow. sucks to be you. but srsly...it is your fault."

 

and he is like, "are.you.serious?"

 

and she breaks up with him.

because she loses at life.

 

 

 

who wants to beat her up? because i do.

let's discuss...