shamed

Want to hear a little story? Alrighty...you've got it!

So, I make fun of people that take beverages or food items into the bathroom with them. I do it mercilessly. I am evil. I have found empty Golden Spoon cups in the bathroom at home. And since I didn't eat while sitting on the toilet, I have a pretty good guess who did. Siiiick. At work, the same thing....well not Golden Spoon cups, but you know what I mean. Right? Good.

Well, the other day at work, I was in a hurry. I had just transferred all of my phones up to a different part of the building, so that I could cover someone else's phones and my phones at the same time. I knew I would be up there for about an hour, and I knew my stomach would growl, and I knew that it was really quiet in that part of the office, so therefore I knew that someone 10 miles away would hear my stomach growl, and I knew I would be embarrassed at the astronomically loud explosion inside of my stomach that I knew that said person would mistake the growl for a fart, soooo...knowing all of this I brought along a granola bar. As I was traipsing down the hallway, I realized I had to pee. I was faced with a dilemma! Hold my pee for an hour (*shudder*) or take my granola bar into the bathroom with me!

Oh the horror!

A bead of sweat formed on my furrowed brow as I made my life changing decision. In a split second I had turned from avid believer in no-food-in-bathrooms to a practicing food-carrying-in-bathroom HYPOCRITE! A piece of me died inside. Just like when I found out Joaquin Phoenix laid down a rap record in P-diddy's studio *hangsheadinshame*.

Not only was I a hypocrite, I was a cowardly hypocrite. I quickly hid the evidence of the measly granola bar by pulling back my light sweater and sticking the bar under my armpit. Ah be quiet...I use Secret Maximum Strength, ok? Anyway, once the bar was secure I put my sweater back on and made my way into the ladies room.

After I peed, unthinking, I reached to press the flush handle with the same granola-bar-armpit-arm! I swear I saw my life flash before me as the granola bar ran away from it's hiding place. Thank heavens the Lord was with me and enhanced my grabbing-things-reflexes to Edward Cullen speed, because I was able to catch the bar before it entered it's watery grave.

I was able to leave the bathroom undetected. However, my conscience knows the great evil I did. I swear to never enter a bathroom with food again..especially for vain reasons like people thinking my stomach growling, may be a fart.

--------------------------------------

On that note, I leave you with my small birthday wish list.

(Ted already got most of my wish list stuff)

I know all of you have been fretting about my birthday.

(It's next week, by the way)

Fear not! I bring you linkies of great joy!

1. 1. Edward Cullen "action figure"
Before you laugh, listen to me. I will be using him for a feature I will be having on my blog. You may make fun now, but you will be regretting your teasing tenfold come a fortnight.
Can be found here
2. "I can has Catz" t-shirt
Can be found here

defending edward

Love Edward? Go here.

weekends are totally awesome to the max for shizzle for rizzle and I keep going on and on with this title. okay bye. peace out.

I would talk on and on about how I love weekends, but everyone would get bored and end up hating me. I will skip all of that redundant "I love weekends!" crap and get to the other crap.
So, this is how my weekend went down...

FRIDAY!

I have sort of started a tradition of making a fancy meal on Friday night, and inviting someone over. The meals I make are completely made up by me, so it is always a gamble whether people will think the meal was delicious or sicknast. This week I made stuffed pork chops, roasted garlic mashed potatoes, pesto-filled crescent rolls, green beans with sauteed pine nuts and homemade stuffing. It was quite an endeavor...and I almost died from starvation after slaving away in the kitchen for 2 hours...but I think our guests liked it. They didn't die from food poisoning or anything...so that's a plus.

We invited my parents, Zach and Ty and Sierra. While the girls cleaned the dishes, the boys played Playstation3. Such a man thing. Anyway...we were all quite stunned my dad joined in and played...so we took a picture of the historic moment. "Yo Dad Face, it's yeeer buurthday, wur gonna party like itz yeerrr buurthday..." (just ignore that little rap if you don't know who 50 cent is. No...it is not a monetary piece of coinage).


Speaking of rapping, I am going to let you in on a little secret. Ted and I are pretty much freakin awesome rappers. We are thinking of laying down an album in the near future. I am Lauren K Bee. He is Ted-un-awesome-rap-name-of-lame-ness. Anyway, we pretty much hip hop dance around the apartment and I drop it like it's hot every 5 seconds. You should be impressed with our gangsta skills. Look at Ted...

Get it Ted...Get it!

SATURDAY!

Sierra and I left at 6 forty-freakin-five in the morning to hit up the garage sales. We are pretty much rockstars at owning the garage sales. The following items I got for only 3 dollars TOTAL. Yes my friends...rock.stars.
This cute crystal candy jar fits in perfectly with my apothecary jars. I even already filled him with Almond Roca, and Hugs.
This ornate Jeffersonian candle holder is pretty cool...but I am not sure where I am going to put it. I just liked it's ornate-ness...plus it's dirt-cheap-ness. kthanxbye.
I decided to start a vintage dessert plate collection, after finding this plate. *dies*

The following wasn't picked up at a garage sale, but was purchased for dirt cheap, as well..
Meet Mister Hootie Pimpster. Yes, Ted and I named him. Check out his gold eyes...they are ballin'. And his feathers are so hot right now. We love our new owly friend.

SUNDAY!

After church, I made lunch for Ted and me. I created a little thing we call "tortilla pizzas". They are genius. I slathered pesto sauce on tortillas, sliced fresh tomato and laid it on, sprinkled on fresh mozzarella (sort of expensive...but worth it!), rough chopped some cremini mushrooms, and threw it in the oven. I am so domestic.

Tada! Tortilla Pizzas are bomb dot com and are sweeping the nation. OK...I lied. Maybe if all of you make one this week, then they really will sweep the nation!
After lunch we visited Ted's parents. Then we went over to my parents house. Since it wasn't quite time for their church to end, we just used my key and let ourselves in. We were playing with TJ bird when 5 minutes later the Mama Face emerges from her BEDROOM! We were like, "what the? did you ditch church?" And she said, "Just Relief Society...I needed a nap!" And we were like, "What the? You are satan?" And she was like, "Ummm Yah." And we were like, "Lauren is being really annoying in this 'she was all,' and 'we were all' crap." THE END
When Ted and I were picking up our mail, he pointed to the grass around the apartment and said...

TED: "That's a lot of dog poop."
ME (angry) : "I'M NOT GOING TO SIT IN IT!"
TED: "What the crap are your talking about?"
ME (cracking up): "Hahaha! I am insane I meant to say, "I wasn't going to step--" *SQUOOOOOOSH!*

Yes my friends, I am retarded and I stepped in poop.



This evening I started making super secrety Valentines that aren't soooo secrety, for my bloggy peeps. They are pretty much awesome. Want a sneak peek? Omar...you might want to sit down, I don't want you to faint with excitement...

(they are not finished...they are a work in progress)

random thoughts from the brain of lauren

I was looking through my picture file on computer de Lauren this evening, and found a few pictures that tickled my fancy or sparked my bloggy interest....

1. The Bad Side Strikes Again!
So, sometimes I hate myself. 9 times out of 10, I hate myself solely because I forget and pose for a picture where my bad side is predominately showing. It makes me look like I have a piece of "chaw" in my mouth. It is quite depressing. I saw this picture and almost cried in pity for myself.

2. La Push Driftwood Snakey Pet
Did I ever tell you about the driftwood snake? I thought not. When I was in Forks, this lady let me pick out a piece of driftwood that "was where Bella and Jacob sat together on First Beach". I almost vomited in my mouth...too much cheese! Well, I took the piece without looking at it. I threw it up onto Ted's dashboard and never thought of it again. Well, when Ted came home from Seattle, he said on the long drive home, when he started to doze off he would talk to the piece of driftwood that looked like a snake. WTFriek?

3. January 23rd, 2008
My friends...one year ago, tomorrow, Ted came home from his mission. I can't believe it has been a year! And I can't believe I survived that many days of him being gone. (refer to sticker calendar). And yes...that was my dream Edward in the back. And yes..I was tan.

4. Yay for Ted getting home from his mission!
That was the craziest, coolest, happiest day of my life. I knew, when I saw him, that we would get married. Even though he had greasy hair and bloodshot eyes. I forgave him.

5. Costa Vida vs. Cafe Rio Test
My friends...I did the nicest thing for all of you. I compared the Cafe Rio salad with my beloved Costa Vida salad. Can I just say, Cafe Rio is lame spice? Don't be fooled by this picture...this was me BEFORE I took a bite. I just told Ted tonight, that the owner of Costa Vida deserves a piece of my heart. I think he was a little jealous. Meh. All in all, Costa Vida gets a 10...Cafe Rio gets a lame spice.

6. Bachelorette Party
I just realized I never posted about my Bachelorette party. It was amazing. Sorry you couldn't be there. There was talk of all things scandalous, Costa Vida, and pizookies. I am pretty sure it was a perfect night. Can't go wrong with those three things. Pretty much story of my life.

7. Enlarge for scandal!
You know you want to.

8. If I was scandalized...well you don't want to know.
Oh you do? Two words: Flying Trapeze

9. On to things more tame..
I decided to color coordinate my closet. However, this picture was taken when 3/4 of my clothes were in the laundry basket. I have been short on hangers for months :(

10. I am scared to turn 21.
In 2 weeks from tomorrow I will be 21. I have been dreading this birthday of mine. Why? For one reason. FOREVER 21. My favorite store is like a bad omen to me. Are they saying, that once you turn 21 you are in your prime, and then after that you are just old. Am I only one year from going down hill? Ted thinks I am crazy...but I have been using anti-wrinkle cream everyday since I put the connection together! hahaha...but srsly. I have.

enchilada recipe coming soon :)

what's lauren happy about?

1. My new freakin' awesome to the max flower clip!
I bought it at Forever 21 for 3 bones, and it was one of the best bone-buying-experiences of my life. It rocked my foolish little world.

2. I am a good, thoughtful wife.
I am very in tune with the needs of my husband. Srsly. Monday he had the flu, and I had to leave him at home by his poor little self all day. It is a wonder that he didn't die. But, I came home with this magical treat and tada! He was cured.

3. My Honey-Lime Chicken Enchiladas of freakin' awesomeness.
I am pretty sure that if I had made these bad boys while Ted was on his mission, I would have had people paying me to marry them. For shizzle.

4. My mom is so funny.
I mean, what is she doing in this picture? Is she telling me I inherited her small bosoms? Because, she didn't need to point that out.

5. Picnik.com
It helps me add color to my pictures, so we don't look anemic. Because in reality...me and the mom face always are. (see that light on my face? Have you see "6th Sense"? Well I think it is a ghosty. Hopefully the one that says, "You can't hurt me anymooooooore". She has a siiiick voice.)

6. Cinnamon Chocolate Banana Muffins = YUM TO THE MAXi...pad!
I stumbled across this recipe on Stephanie's blog, and I fell in love with it immediately. I added a few chocolate chips...and then I died.

7. The inability to take normal pictures.
Thank you Ted for inheriting the Face Family trademark, of ruining every potential normal picture! :) You would be lame if you were serious. Actually, you would piss me off if you were serious. Keep up the good work, dear one.

8. Frames for the wedding pictures!
I have been on a serious hunt for frames such as these. Yesterday rays came down from heaven and cast themselves upon these beauties. Thank you frame gods!

9. My cake stands found a home.
They nestled themselves beautifully into the comfort of their home yesterday. They sit atop the bookcase with some damask hatboxes...awaiting more delicious decor friends to come.

10. Valentine's Day has come!
Pink, Red and glitter are Valentine's Day must haves. If you don't have them, please exit. Just kidding...please stay, and learn the ways of the V-day love. (I spy a peace sign...do you?)

11. Valentine's Day Lovey-Sparkly-Tree of cuteness!
Everyone needs a happy sparkly tree to brighten up their day...what say you?

12. Close up on the awesomeness of glittery tree-ness!
OOooo...I am in a trance from the purdy glitter. Ooo Awww Oooo.

12. Laundry Room (aka closet) that has a V-day sign on it!
Ooooo Awwww Oooooo. I spy a cuckoo clock.

13. Knives and Hearts...how fitting.
Doesn't everyone put their "Love" signs by their sharp knives? I bet freakin Bella would. Knowing her....

14. New Magnets of freakin awesomeness.
They always have rings at Forever 21 with those roses on them...but they never had my size! Probably because I have sausages for fingers. Srsly.

15. Mighty magnets in mighty action!
I feel like I should say "go go power rangers!" after that sentence.

16. I decided what to do with the Ung Drill.
I decided to take out the back. I love it this way. If you don't understand its awesomeness, please talk to Ted....he doesn't understand either.

17. Babushka Apothecary jar found a new home.
The other apothecary jars hated the baby one, so they banished him to the bathroom where the crapping takes place. Nice, huh? Anyway...I was gracious enough to spruce him up and put cute Q-tips in his innards. He is happy. And so are my ears. (Is anyone else obsessed with Q-tips?)

18. Tada! The Tedauren Bed Chambers!
Ooo, the bedroom...how scandalous! Anyway, isn't it pretty? It is a work in progress. For example, it was Ted's job to paint the furniture black...but the Playstation would feel neglected...so I let it slide. Speaking of friends...the corner shelves need some.

19. Christmas present pillows!
The mama face in her magic gift giving skills, ordered me these pillows for my luscious bed. Too bad she is awesome. And when I say too bad, I mean...w00t!

20. The devil (vanity) mirror!
When we first inherited this mirror from Ted's parents, I was frightened. I told Ted and my mom that it looked like, and I quote, "A devil log". I was so convinced Satan owned it, that I hid it under the bed...until my mom yoinked it, spruced it up and painted it black. I now love it. I spy a peace sign.

21. Cute
No seriously...so cute. Even though that is my bad side. siiick nast.

22. Dining area arrangement.
This arrangement is still in progress too....I still like it though. Don't be hatin'.

23. Picture holder thingy ma-bobs.
I saw this architectural element at a garage sale for fifty cents, so I snagged two of them in hopes of creating something awesome. My dad drilled holes through the middle, and I picked out knobs to have inserted. Now I hang wedding pictures, from ribbons, on them! Sa-weet.

I forgot to wear a bra to church...no one noticed.

First off, everyone please head over to my dear friend, Yvonne's blog, to wish her a belated Happy Birthday! I don't have any money, so I couldn't buy her a present, so this is the best thing I can do for her. Thanks!

QUIZ RESULTS!

1. What is my middle name?

ELISE. However, soon it will be my maiden name. I am still undecided whether I will keep Elise, and add my maiden name. Is four names too long? I dunno. In any event, Elise is my middle name.

2. In 5th grade, I ran for student council. What office did I hold?

I was Vice President. In 6th grade I was President. In 8th grade I was Vice President. In 9th grade I was Student body President. My senior year I was Social Director. Can you tell I am a bit of a control freak? A blogger mentioned that she thought I was too shy to be the center of attention. Oh contrare! I actually love being the center of attention, and am not really shy, at all. I savored being in command of the student body...which, you should know, was very little control at all.

3. I was a cheerleader in high school. True or False?

FALSE. I was a cheerleader in junior high. I tried out in high school, but didn't make it because I couldn't do a backhand-spring. Since I didn't make it, I took Accelerated Literature and History with a bunch of nerds. Best nerd class of my life.

4. What is my favorite color?

PINK. I am pretty sure, everyone got this question right. I love the color pink, but I don't look really good in the color pink. It is a shame.

5. What is my favorite book of all time?

BOOK OF MORMON/TWILIGHT. I would take either answer. I actually spaced on the whole Book of Mormon thing...because I am evil and obsessed with Edward. He eats my brains.

6. What is my favorite food?

COSTA VIDA SALAD. No one got this answer right. I actually dream about Costa Vida salads. I eat them about every other week. I would kiss the salad, if I could do it without getting dressing up my nose.

7. When did I have my first boyfriend?

5th GRADE. Now, don't go all crazy on me. I didn't say anything about "real boyfriend" in the question...I just said, "boyfriend". It is a very legit question. My mom was the only one to answer correctly.

8. I relate better to girls, than to boys. True or False?

FALSE. I love all of my bloggy friends, Sierra, my mom, and my best friends, but honestly, there are a lot of girls that I know in real life that I just can't seem relate to. Boys are so much more chill. Like me. Chillaxin is the best thing ever. Especially when you have a Costa Vida salad.

9. I saw "Hairspray" in theaters more times than I have seen "Twilight". True or False?

TRUE. I know, I know. Put the pitchforks down....set down your phones (don't text people telling them I am lame and not awesome). You see, I saw "Hairspray" 6 times when I was single and selfish with all of my money. Now that I am married, and have already spent 80 bones on Twilight, 5 times seems like a decent number.

10. Who do I like better, The Beatles or Acceptance?

BEATLES. I am a huge Beatles fan. I love "Penny Lane" the best. Ahh.

11. Who would I rather meet, Zac Efron or Robert Pattinson?

ZAC EFRON. Such a hard decision! However, it came down to this: as much as I love MOVIE EDWARD, he is just a character....and Robert Pattinson looks kinda smelly, sometimes. Zac Efron? He is real. And I love him. Even if Ted calls him Zac Gayfron.

12. I like my birthday better than Christmas. True or False?

TRUE. Psh. My birthday is waaaaay better than Christmas. Wanna know why? Because it is all about me. And people give me presents. And the reason for the season? It's to give me presents. That is love, right there.

13. I love sushi. True or False?

FALSE. Remember the wasabi accident of '07? It was horrible. I almost literally died. Srsly. It would have been a sad day in the blog world.

14. What is my favorite clothing store?

FOREVER 21. I love that place, because their clothes are really inexpensive. However, I loooooove Anthropologie...I am just too poor to buy the clothes.

15. I prefer Walmart over Target, because of their prices. True or False?

FALSE! Walmart will NEVER beat my Target. Oh how I love you, Target of delicious love.

16. I really like my handwriting, and have considered making it into a font. True or False?

TRUE. It is really cute...and I am conceded about it. So shoot me.

17. What day is my birthday?

FEBRUARY 6TH 1988. Yes, that is right my friends. My birthday is right around the corner...and I will be 21. I am thinking about hitting the clubs with Tedward. Get Ted a sick-nast silk shirt to wear...draw on some chest hair for him, with my eye-liner. It will be hott guys. Oh! And I can stuff my bra too. Sa-weet.

18. How did Ted and I meet?

THROUGH MY BROTHER/SEMINARY. I am taking both answers. If you answered "high school"...I am sorry, you lose. I will still give you a virtual hug though...because those give warm fuzzies to those in need.

19. Where is my dream vacation?

DISNEYLAND! It's where dreams come true, guys. Srsly. I have been there 500 times, give or take a couple hundred. We are going in a few weeks! Yay!

20. Who was my first blogger friend that I didn't know in real life?

TORI. Puuuleaze...who else? Tori is the bomb dot com, and she introduced to to the world of awesome bloggy friends. I adopted her as my older sister, because I was supposed to marry her younger brother...but he married someone else. I cried. And when I say cried, I mean, I didn't really care. I loved Ted, remember? Anyway, she is my sister.

-------------------------------

The winner of the contest was, omar...with 15/20 questions right! Omar, be expecting your prize in the mail in the next 3 years! Congrats!

"it's poop again!"

I am the kind of person that likes to suppress horrific moments, to the point where I virtually forget that the moment ever actually occurred. It is brilliant...you should try it sometime. For instance, the first time you farted in front of your husband, or dare I say, pooped? It was horrible right? Or did you not clog the toilet like me, so it wasn't so bad? Well in any event...negative memories are erased from my mind.

-------------------

Just yesterday, a person contracted a memory that had long since evaporated into oblivion, waiting to be reincarnated by none other than my own kin! Not a second-cousin-of-my-best-friend's-husband-that-let-their-secretary-borrow-a-paper-clip, type of kin. The kin of all kins. The motherload. And when I say motherload...I mean, my mother. Yes, my tender mother exposed me to an open wound of horrible-ness. The Mama Face, herself. I have a bone to pick with you mom...but before that, I will fill in all of the blog readers of the world, on what really happened: Lauren, style.



So way back in the 20th century, circa 1999, I went to a blessed school. Blessed school, meaning ghetto school. Yes. Emerson Elementary. Oh, I "soared with the eagles"...let me tell ya, I kicked it old school with the green and gold like it was nobody's bizzzzness. But that is another story. So, 1999 would take us back to my 5th grade year. Check it...


"Awww...look at you!"

"Wut a cute wittle girl!"

"I could just pinch those wittle cheeks of yours!"



Yeah, yeah, yeaaaah....save it. I don't care what anyone says, but back in the day I was hott, with two T's. I mean, look at that fluffy hair...that Backstreet Boys shirt...my crooked teeth that were being held down by extra strength crow bars. Ahh, the good old days of braces. But best of all...check out those bangs. Hawt. You all know how I do.



So, in class, I was seated by 3 boys. Want me to name them off? Ok, I will. First, there was Joe, then there was Ryan, and finally, there was Peter. *cue chirping birds and any other happy thing that's associated with twitterpation....oh, birds are the only thing? that's cool* Everyone loved Peter, myself included. However, I had two advantages. (1) I sat next to him in class. And (2) the talent show...


How could a 10 year old boy refuse that? Or my husband, for that matter. Anyway...yes, I tap danced in the talent show. Apparently my dancing skills, big bangs and little black number stole his little heart, because the next day he showed up at school with a wilted rose and a love note asking me to be his girlfriend. *swoon* A wilted rose? A boyfriend? All in one day? Hot Dog!



A couple fateful weeks later, school ended, and we proceeded to walk home. As usual, we didn't exchange any words whatsoever, because that would have been against the strict code of playground romances. It was awesome. Without conversation, all I had to concentrate on was being hawt. Not too hard to do. I worked my overalls, made sure my back pack was slung on one shoulder, and that my butterfly clips were in place. Holla! I was lookin' good, let me tell ya. Mid strut, something splattered onto my head in the shhhloppiest of slops. Something, wet, warm and gooey. Confused, I slowly touched my finger to the place of offense, and found a black smear, spotted with a white cream-like substance on my hand. As the realization kicked in, I looked up (shielding my face of course) and saw a pigeon fly away from the scene of the crime.

Horrified at the ginormous poop smear running down the side of my face, I tried to act as if nothing happened. I turned my head awkwardly, to hide the carnage. But I was too late! Peter saw what the little flying rat had done! Not only had the evil pidge crapped on my head of fluffy bang-ness...it pooped on a butterfly clip! Devastated, I literally ran home, poop dripping, and conditioning my hair at the same time.

A couple of days later, Peter broke up with me.

He said he liked a different girl, but I think that is a load of crap.