status updates.

All you that believe in the magical powers of Facebook, or have have been caught in the snaggerly snares of it's addictive hold, know all about status updates...

For those that don't know about them (MOM), this definition of awesomeness is for you. At the top of your profile it will say, "Lauren Middle-Name Awesome is..." and you have an area to type in whatever you want. For instance, "Lauren Middle-Name Awesome is pooping."..."Lauren Middle-Name Awesome is cold because she forgot all her underwear were in the washing machine."..."Lauren Middle-Name Awesome hates that her middle name is Middle-Name." See? It's quite addicting.

Well, as of late, I have had some mysterious status updates, so I will provide you with explanations, because I am awesome. And nice. And bored. And because this blog post idea came to me in the shower...and I NEVER deny the shower-interventions. Without further ado, the status updates!

March 23, 2009 - 8:34 PM
Lauren Secrety Last Name...Pocket Edward for President 2012!
Best.idea.ever. Want to know why? Because it came to me in the shower. And I rushed to the computer to type it out. But this was all before he turned up missing....*sniff* :(

Best comment:
Samantha...I would love to be his secretary of state! I know what the enemies are thinking and can have their facebook passwords in 60 mins. haha

March 24, 2009 - 9:08 PM
Lauren Secrety Last Name...finds status updates on Facebook much more appealing than the fast-pace environment of Twitter.
Srsly. Have you been on twitter? It blows my mind. So fast pace! I literally go...HOLLLLLLD IT! And I am fast. In a non-scandalous way. Facebook...I love you long time. Anyway, if you want to check me out on twitter...don't be expecting anything amazing from me...because, well...I will be still trying to get my bearings of the world around me.

Best comment:
Lauren (me haha)...It took me about a month to understand it...but I still am a retard at it.

March 25, 2009 - 5:34 PM
Lauren Secrety Last Name...was making hard boiled eggs. While they were boiling, she watched Lost with Ted. After a while she said, "I think I smell the eggs! They must be done!" and Ted said, "No...I farted." the end.
Umm....story of my life. My name is Lauren, and my husband farts. And I feel sad that they smelt like delicious eggs. I feel sad that I salivated a bit when I smelt the fart, imagining egg salad being swallowed down my belly. Man...I feel sad all around.

Best comment:
Nikki...dislike this
Nikki...so do I, so do I.

March 26, 2009 - 5:47 PM
Lauren Secrety Last Name...cooking food for the hungry husband while working out. I know...
Is anyone surprised by this? I thought we had already established the fact that I own the title of super-human-awesome-person. Oh...I didn't tell you? Well, I own the title. Ok...really, this is how it goes down. I turn on the Biggest Loser DVD. I start it. I start dinner. I do some squats while stirring something...I run back to the DVD. I may eat a piece of chocolate here and there...and jump onto Facebook. I dunno. kthanxbye.

Best comment:
Sara...hmmm this could be misconstrude:)

March 27, 2009 - 5:32 PM
Lauren Secrety Last Name...sometimes feels famous...and then remembers "everyone poops".
Ever read that book? It is genius. It sure deflates my puffed up head. I mean...imagine this...Catherine Zeta Jones POOPING? I can't imagine it...but it is true. :)

Best comment:
Holly...i thought i was the only one!


March 30, 2009 - 8:08 AM
Lauren Secrety Last Name...had an in-grown hair in her armpit. It hurt like a mother. So Ted pulled it our with Tweezers. He then wanted me to find another one because it was "fun". sigh...
True story. I get these sicknast armpit hairs...probably because I use a rusty razor...because I hate shaving...and well..it makes for ingrown hairs that are apparently awesome to extrude.

Best comment:
Sarah...tedward is something else...

Now for the most mysterious of them all...

March 30, 2009 - 7:02PM
Lauren Secrety Last Name...thinks it's even better than before.
No, I am not talking about certain marital acts. I am talking about this...


Have you voted for a second time? No? Go here! (Lauren for Top Female Twilighter)

I am a nerd .

I am a serious nerd.
But I really don't care.
Did Ted and I talk about Star Wars on our date last night?
Why, yes we did.
Did we talk about Lord of the Rings the other night?
Of course.
Is it really a surprise that I run a Twilight site?
I didn't think so.
Well, I have been nominated for "Top Female Twilighter"
And I would really love to win.
Like...I REAAAAALLLY need to win.
So, if you love me...or sorta like me, or don't really like me, and are just nice...
Will you vote for me?
Go here.
Scroll down to the category that says "Top Female Twilighter"
And click "Lauren" :)
Pretty please, vote for me?

Loves!

Pocket Edward is Missing!

Tonight started out like any other day.

Pocket Edward prepared a gourmet meal,
while I sat around eating chocolate covered strawberries
and watching the commentary of Twilight, over and over again.

Ted can't complain about Pocket Edward,
when he gets to feast upon his delicious Pesto-Mushroom-Pork Chops.
While we ate, I thought I should ask him for the recipe, so that I could give it to my readers...

...so I searched for him in the special designated "Pocket Edward Pocket" of my Juicy Couture bag, but he wasn't there...

...I couldn't find him in my vest pocket either...
...my last resort was to check my apron pocket...but alas!
I was so frustrated.
Did I carelessly misplace him?
Did a cat eat him?
Did I step on him?
Did Ted throw him in the oven again?
Did he take off because he got sick of making me dinner?
Did he have a secret Barbie girlfriend he was sneaking off to see?
All of the frustration took it's toll on me...

After deciding, that squishing my face into a pillow, made it a bit difficult for me to breath...
I decided to pull out the big guns.
Ice.Cream.
Don't even deny it's special healing properties.
Yes...even the "carb smart" ice cream works wonders.
kthanxbye.
About 3/4ths of the way into the carton, and 2 tissue boxes later,
I heard a knock at the door...
I found this on my door step:

To my complete shock, I found a ransom note inside!
It reads:
"ATTENTION: AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW, PRECIOUS POCKET EDWARD IS MISSING.
HAND OVER $1,000,000.00 AND THE PLASTIC DUDE IS YOURS. IF NOT, I HEAR HE DOESN'T LIKE FIRE."
Oh no they di'int!
Lauren does not tolerate terrorism of any kind,
if you think the threats stop here...you are mistaken...

...along with the threatening was this blank disk...
psh... old school. Who even, uses discs?
(I might, but that is besides the point. We are working with amateurs, apparently.)

I inserted the disc to find this.
* If you have small children, I advise you to have them look away *

Pocket Edward bound, blind folded, and HUNG upside down over a flame.
My heart aches for the poor little guy.
I bet his hair is all melty and sicknast.
I will even go as far as to say it looks...lamespice.
*cringe*

So, who do I think is the mastermind behind this? and by mastermind...I mean lamespicemind)
I have my suspicions.
I am almost 100% positive that it is that imposter "Pocket Edward" on Twitter.
Ever since I saw him appear this week, I knew he was bad news.
I mean...we all know the original Pocket Edward doesn't have internet access. He is always in my pocket! Duh!
Anyway, I am willing to bet my blog that it was him.
Watch your back, ya'll.

To be Continued...

hey neighbor boy.

Hey teenage-dude-that-lives-in-the-apartment-next-to-me,

Are you for real? Do you really burp that many times I day? I would say I was impressed if I wasn't so freakin annoyed. Ok...I am impressed. I really am. And annoyed, and don't you forget it! I have a few questions for you...

1. What does your mom feed you?
2. Why are you so gasy?
3. Why do your burps sound like the building is about to collapse?
4. Why do the walls shake when you burp?
5. Is the building going to collapse?
6. What is your burping average? I have counted about 43 burps from 5-9ish each day. Just want to make sure our stats are accurate.
7. Would you mind terribly if I punched you in the face?
8. How about if I kicked you in the knee?
9. Duct taped your mouth shut?
10. Why do you sag your pants so low?...ok ok ok...that doesn't have to do with anything, but I figured if we were asking questions, I better ask when I had the chance.

Here is the deal. The first 2 times you burped, Ted and I laughed. And we laughed GOOOOD....I tell you what. We even slapped our knees! (SHUT UP...you did NOT just burp again.) Yes, my friends...it was a knee slapper-Lauren-falls-on-the-floor-laughing. It was that funny. And I don't find offensive gas-explosions funny...because if I did, they wouldn't be offensive.

Anyhow, this is when your burp explosions crossed the line of Lauren-Acceptance:

1. When you WOKE me from my sleep.
Were you asleep when you burped? If you were, did it wake you? Because I can't imagine exerting that much force without waking from your slumber.
2. When you interrupted Edward Cullen.
Umm...my favy fav fake sorta-man was on my TV and you interrupted him. I never want to experience "You are my *buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurp!* now" ever again. It ruined it for me.

*By the way...you burped 4 times while I typed number 2. When I heard the 4th burp...I yelled "Shut the Freak up!" at the top of my lungs. I think you heard. The should keep you quiet for 2 minutes.*

3. You burped when I was showering and I fell down because you startled me.
And I was pissed. Enough Said.
4. I heard you when I was IN MY CAR with the music TURNED UP LOUD.
That should be impossible. Who are you? Seriously...who...are...you?

This is how it is going to be. (burped again. you couldn't even hold off 2 minutes). You are going to stop, or I am going to kick your trash. I see you everyday as I am leaving for my adult job, and you are leaving for pre-school. You are in pre-school, right? Anyway, I see you each day...it would be easy to suckah punch you then throw you in the recycling bin. Secondly, I am going to write your mom a note expressing my concern for you and sign it as Dr. Bee. I bet she needs a support group after hearing you burp so much, and at such volume. Lastly, try closing your mouth. It will work wonders. On second thought...a burp of that power might cause brain damage. Wait...on third thought, YEAH...close your mouth. Muahaha >:)

Your neighbors who want you to shut the heck up,
Lauren & Ted....but mostly Lauren.

hey mom.

Dear Mama Face,

I have favor to ask of you. I am in no way pregnant. I have no intentions of getting pregnant until I am a senior citizen...the ripe age of 35. Heck...Ted and I don't even believe in practicing making babies. How scandalous of you to even assume that! *crossesfingersbehindback*

Anyway, so Ted and I don't like babies and never want to touch one. At least not right now. But...when the day comes that Ted decides that we need the tax return incentives, then maybe I will bake a bun in the oven and shoot out a baby. So here is when you come in...

I need you to confirm that you will be in the delivery room holding my hand as I attempt to squeeze it off...then yank it out of it's socket. Since we will be in the hospital I don't think it would be too difficult for them to salvage your remaining limb and attach it some sort of way. No need to worry about that right now. Now, I know you are wondering why I would need you in the delivery room...well, take a look at this picture:

Do you remember that night? No? Let me refresh your memory.

So, we were watching LOST season 2, while you cut Tedward's hair...and while dad read the newspaper (probably just reading the comics). Well, during the episode they showed Mr.-Manly-McHottie-Pants-Jack perform a blood transfusion with a piece of bamboo. And it was bloody brilliant...in a sicknast sorry of way. Well, you noticed Ted turn a lovely shade of green and asked him if he were ok. At this point, I noticed Ted looked rather vomitous. So what did I do? Being the sweet and caring wife that I am, I whipped out my camera to document Ted getting sick from watching the TV show! As you can see...you are in the background obviously laughing at the vomitous Tedward. What the picture doesn't show is Ted in the backyard blowing chunks.

Ah...my husband is weak-sauce. And for that reason...along with his history of nearly-passing out when I was in the Pre-Op room with my IV...I highly doubt the Tedward will be present for the shooting out of our tax-incentive baby. I have already informed Ted that I expect him to be either (1)hugging the side of the crapper in the bathroom or (2) being tended to by his own nurse with a cold compress of some sort while I endure insane agony that I hear is a lot like the pain of a bohemian bikini wax...Holy Crap!

So you see...your services are needed.

Love,
Lauren

PS...I love babies.
PSS...I do not see them as tax-incentive awesomeness :)
PSSS...this is beautiful. the end.

a lame post

Ted thought this email I sent him was the funniest thig ever. (click to make bigger)

I re-read it and kinda liked it me-self.

Funny story from the Tedauren life.

I have a fantastic husband.

Yesterday, he made us a picnic so he could eat lunch with me during my lunch break.

He made me a vegetarian sandwich (on magic bread!) because he knows that's my favorite.

And he drove 20 minutes so that we could sit together, in the shade in front of the building of which I work.

After we ate our sandwiches, we decided Golden Spoon was in order.

As we were eating our Golden Spoon Ted abruptly said,

"We need to get going."

I said, "Oh...do you need to be somewhere?"

"Yes. Anywhere but here. I just farted and it smells BAD."

"...good call."

---------------

PS...who is going to Twilight parties tonight?
PSS...yes. Anonymous commenting is gone for now.

mini happy post of awesomeness

This is a public service announcement:
Let me just reiterate how important it is to me and my family that we keep our last name out of the blog world. We have tried our hardest to keep it secrety, but sometimes it leaks through. Please...if you have my last name on your sidebar or in your posts PLEASE remove it. "Lauren" or "Stupid Idiot" work just great :) Loves!

1. Cutest mirror evah!
Umm...can you say "Cherry Street Antiques"?!
I have been eyeing this little beauty for a while and finally talked myself into buying it on Saturday. Rewarding myself is my favorite :)

2. Stinker Tedward makes better cookies than I.
And it pisses me off.
No...it delights me and my belly.
No...it pisses me off.
Gah! I can't decide!

3. Zac Efron is the shiz.
And I love his one muscly arm.
Umm...when did he get so hawt?
Oh yeah...forevers ago.
I don't care what Tori says, he isn't gay.

4. Cuteness!
Found this little doo-hickey at the antique store for 3 bones.
And I fell in love.
And put mouthwash in it.
And my mom asked if I scrubbed it out first.
And I said yes...thinking I did.
But I just realized I didn't.
Oops.

5. Ted thinks he is Paramore.
And I love him for it.

6. This little paper in my mailbox...
Make me the giddiest girl in the world.
You will have to wait and see what came in the mail.
It was delightful..
(ignore the scraggly scraggle-mcfee-hairs)

7. Watching Zac Efron on my own TV.
This part happens to be my favorite scene in the movie.
The CGI basketballs flying through the air, make it.
Srsly.

8. I make stuff.
I designed and made 30 invitations for an event for the Young Women at church.
I thought they were fetching.
But...you know how it is :)

9. I wear Mormon shorts.
And it is funny.
And so stereotypical.
Loooove it.
Don't I just look so...married?

10. Clearance at Target rocks my world.
I wanted this overpriced pillow the moment my little eyes saw it.
Did I pay 30 bucks for it?
No...try, 8!
Suckahs!

Pocket Edward Pumps some Iron

Lately, I have been worried about Pocket Edward's weight. I mean, he weighs a whole 3 ounces these days...and I just don't want the other Pocket Chewbaccas and Pocket Troy Boltons to make fun of him for being a little chunky. For instance, the other day I couldn't find Pocket Edward ANYWHERE. He wasn't in any of his usual pocket-hiding-places-of-awesomeness.Well, I walked into the living room, to find a pile of chocolate dumped out the candy jar and onto the ground. Guess who was the cause of this....
Yep. Wee Edward himself. I decided it's about time I took matters into my own hands. (Since his hands aren't really functional...it was my only choice. You know how it is.)

1. The work out Equipment
I told Pocket Edward I would get him the manliest, most expensive weights he could ever possible imagine...

2. A secret.
Shhhhh...Don't tell Pocket Edward that I made his "fancy" work out equipment.
I don't want him to get pissed and bite my head off.
Because he would.
He has temper problems.

4. Weight lifting like it's no one's bizzzness.
I showed Wee Edward how the pros do it (since I am a pro)...

He thought he was the shiz lifting that really heavy QTip...ohhh...I mean...weight.

Oooo, look ladies...It's Edward pumping iron. Only the dream of your life!

5. Running in the sunset...
After lifting weights, Pocket Edward begged for me to go on a run with him.
No, I didn't ride on his back.
That would have been freakin insane.
My nose is longer than his body.
End of story.

6. Edward is a rock star.
From the moment I set him down on his wee wittle feetsies....

...he was OUT OF THERE!
He is so fast you can't even see him!
Amazing!

7. Edward does the "YMCA"...
He thought the 2D man looked ridiculous and thought it would be beneficial to the park for them to hire him as the new work out demonstrator.
I approve.

Look...he is so much cooler doing a jumping jack than that lame-spice stick figure of stupidness.
OK...I will admit it. He looks more like he is doing the "YMCA" than a jumping jack...but stop hatin! His joints are a little restrictive.

8. Edward (I) was not amused by this "Beam Jumping" dude.
He looks like he is praying to Mecca....not doing an exercise. In any event...Pocket Edward wanted to try out this exercise as well....

Here he is mid-flight...

Umm...Edward?

Oh Noes!
Edward's fallen...and he can't get up!

9. Pocket Edward thought this dude had a beer-belly...I concur.
Or is it a girl?

The push up bar was a wee bit too high...
( I am embarrassed for him, just looking at this )

So he kicked it old-school...
What a champ.

10. Umm...someone call 911. This guy looks like he is in need of assistance..of something.
Everything about this guy looked wrong.
Edward was not amused.

Perfect moment to say...
EPIC FAIL.
Just touch it Edward. I dare you.

11. The temptation.
After a long work out, we were getting rather hungry.
It was quite unfortunate that Pocket Edward spotted these poor little fellas...
"Here...ducky ducky ducky..."

12. refueling.
ATTACK!
"OM NOM NOM NOM!"

*FACEPALM!*